Ladies…let’s have a chat. Now that Spring hath sprung, you’ve cleaned those dust bunnies and groomed your mannish facial hair, it’s time to get on the ball with your #1 friend…your va-jay-jay. Enter: Sweet Spot Labs.

They offer everything you need to make that cooch sing with glee, from a gentle wash to a “bidet in a bottle” to Terrence Howard’s favorite baby wipes. I never leave home without the On-The-Go Wipettes. They’re like the AMEX of freshness.

What’s the point in having a fresh outfit on with a dust bunny free attitude if your snatch smells like it’s holding dead people hostage?

Remember… like they say at the sushi restaurant: good fish should not smell like fish.

Yes I think I have a nice voice, not sure of the precise reason why it’s nice but I’ve been told a time or two that I do have a nice speaking voice. Even at work , every so often I’ll get a call from strangers who point out that they know it’s unprofessional but still feel compelled to tell me they think I have a great voice. Ok, so we’ve established that it is likely that I do, in fact, have a nice voice, but nice enough to make a straight man gay??? Hmmmm….

Well yes! So says a young lad I once knew. He was just the cutest! Nice face, nice body, nice smile…. just yummy. So as our relationship progresses and we begin to talk more, our phone conversations start leaning towards the sexy side (yes, phone sex) Now I’m not sure about anyone else who has ever indulged in phone sex but I never actually do the things I say I’m doing, I’m usually eating a snack but I have an unusual gift you see. I personally think phone sex is wack and corny and well a waste of the time that could actually be spent getting it on fa real fa real, you feel me??? But he was cute, so sue me, I indulged him!

But as with most things in my life , shit took a quick turn for the worst. As I’m going through my sex talk theatrics with this lad, he starts mumbling something about a dude, but remember I’m multitasking (moaning and eating a rib, brilliant on my part sense ribs really do make me moan) so I’m not really paying much attention til he says “yeah girl , so you wouldn’t mind? You wouldn’t mind me giving a another dude a bj?” WTF!!!!

HOLD EVERYTHING YOU FORKER!!!!!

So I quickly shake off my rib induced high and repeat what I think I just heard just to make sure he said what I think he said and his response was: “I mean I don’t know what it is, your voice is just so sexy, I mean damn, you just make me say the craziest things” HUNH???? No kneegrow! You said you wanted to suck another mans joystick, my voice did that? Really? My voice made you gay????

Needless to say he stuck to that ridiculous story and our love was therefore not meant to be. So to the ladies with the butta creamy, velvety smooth voices out there, be careful, you might make your man gay….

I’m sure you’ve seen the alerts by now but “your people” are hardheaded, so it begs repeating. Do not eat any roasted pistachio or any products made with pistachio. They have been contaminated. In layman’s terms, “deez nuts” are dirty! The Food and Drug Administration bitches say a California food processing plant is voluntarily recalling up to 1 million pounds of roasted pistachio products that may have been contaminated with salmonella. The nuts came from Setton Farms in Terra Bella, California. No illnesses have been linked to this case. Now I know for many of my folks their peanut game is not that exotic. They haven’t really made it past the salty ass Planters cocktail peanuts that sit out on the counter at Ray-Ray’s Bar and Grill. I provided a picture to help, they’re the ones look like lil’ Pac-Mans!
I guess the FDA has to announce a chicken recall for yo mofos to be up in arms over the impending lack of 20 pack wings at Shoppers!

It’s Tuesday Negroes…time for another installment of what my people can’t get enough of. Today’s edition is in honor of those of you with extensive, polished and refined vocabularies. Yes, those of you who took AP English and read those novels sold out of car trunks. Yes, you, ‘the learned.’ I’m calling this the Things Negroes Like: Cliche Edition.

Run it…

Per se
My girl Fawnda loves it when you people say this. Dictionarily (you like that word, don’t you?), per se means ‘intrinsically: with respect to its inherent nature’ but you know your edumacated friends are not using it in that context. Do me a favor…ban this phrase because you ain’t French and you know ‘intrinsically’ isn’t part of yo’ vocab.

Trials & Tribulations
If I have to hear this one more time when a celebrity f*cks up, I’m going to scream. You know what I’m talking about: ‘Every relationship goes through its trials and tribulations’ (re: Chris Breezy & Rihanna) or ‘T.I. proves we can all go through trials and tribulations and come out stronger’ (I actually heard this on the radio Saturday and wanted to toss my car over a bridge). Really? Can we swap this tired phrase and just say what you know you really wanna say? Chris effed up and T.I. got caught. Period. The end.

I Know That’s Right
This is the Black woman’s anthem. When we have nothing else to add, we tell you we already knew what you were saying was correct. Doesn’t really mean anything, but it’s our way of co-signing what you just said. Really, we could just nod our heads and keep it movin’.

Irregardless
Who is the genius that came up with this word. Regardless IS regardless…without regard…in spite of everything. You don’t need to further negate it. Every time I hear this one, I vow that I’m officially done with Black people but they keep pulling me back in with their greens and red Kool Aid and shiz.

Monday’s “Cornball Corner” post is a little late cuz I was out doing hood rat stuff. Today’s post is dedicated to the 20 million dollar bama that his Rick Wagoner. The former General Motors CEO was forced out after running the company into the ground. Did he get a spanking and mouth balls like Ving Rhames on “Pulp Fiction”? Nope, he got a $20 million dollar retirement package. So this bitch is set…fo life..and my life and your life and your mamma’s life. Wagoner worked for GM for nearly 32 years and he’s vested according to a GM spin doctor. Wagoner hasn’t official left the company yet. He’s too busy asking the government for more money to bailout the lagging auto giant. Rick Wagoner you are the weakest link, goodbye!

I am not going to debate this for one damn minute. WOMEN SHOULD NOT HAVE EXCESSIVE FACIAL HAIR. I don’t care what your momma or your man says. THAT SHIT IS DEAD WRONG. Here’s a check list, if you find yourself falling short or exceeding the facial hair limit. You need to get your ass to an Alase spa of your choice.

FACIAL HAIR CHECK LIST

2. EYEBROWS.

That’s it. That’s it sisters! Not one long eyebrow that looks like a catapiller is taking a short cut accross your face. Not a ‘stache so thick it looks like you have been getting grooming tips from Magnum PI.  Not a wispy beard that blows in the wind. TWO DAMN EYEBROWS. PERIOD!

Spring has offically sprung, and with the normal spring cleaning of one’s home (Sexy girls do not have dirty houses). Perhaps it’s time we take stock of the emotional garbage weighing us down (sometimes literally)?

Women have a tendency to hold on to broken things for far too long. And I’m talking from my own experience here. We get so attached to the feel good portions of relationships that we brush the ugly stuff under the rug. The stuff that doesnt honor who we are, what we want and mostly what we are worth. We get so caught up in the ‘what he wants’ drama, that we ignore our own desires. For what? To have someone, anyone? To not have one more failure under your belt? Because the sex is good? Are these good enough reasons to sacrifice your total happiness?

As I am every day striving to become a better woman, these reasons are no longer good enough for me to hold on to broken relationships. So, I’m cleaning house. And I challenge you sisters who cry too many tears and laugh not enough, to join me.

Make a final break with already broken relationships. Let a man who doesn’t know what he wants, go forth and find it, without you and leave you free to find someone who knows what he wants. Let someone who keeps you on the outskirts of his life ‘get away’, because he’s telling you as plain as day that he does value you. So let’s value ourselves.

STOP lying…everyone remembers MISS CLEO!! And I know you’re hands were itching and you needed an update…well:

Our favorite Pyschic Network TV fraud is letting the world know that she is still reading palms and she loves the va-jay-jay. In a recent edition of the South Florida Sun Sentinel, Ms. Cleo catches you up on her goings on after being sued and unsued and everything else that goes along with being a fake psychic.

Ms. Cleo, who has spent her time away from the spotlight producing a spoken word cd and reading palms down in Florida, just wanted us to know she still exists.

Umm yeah…okay..thanks for the update.

Check out the recent on goings of our favorite Pyschic at : www.the-real-mscleo.com

If not…have a good laugh on me..and remember: THE CARDS NEVER LIE!

Um yeah…. this is supposed to be Tracy Morgan and wife……. sure thing buddy!

Ok now as a sturdy girl myself, one would think I was an advocate for foundation garments such as girdles and the like but not so! I HATE THEM!!! Everyone who knows me knows you’d have a helluva easier time getting me to go commando before I’d be caught dead in a compression undergarment so imagine my surprise when this site that features “man girdles” was bought to my attention.

ARE YOU FORKIN KIDDING ME??!!!

Well no, unfortuantely this is no joke, enter Mengirldes.com and they got man corsets out the ass for dat ass!!! I mean seriously? Are men really buying these things like hotcakes? like seriously?

All I imagne is meeting that hottie at happy hour and him accidentally ending up at your house that same night. After some steamy heavy petting you start feeling around to get a sense of things and them bam! you feel what you are 100% certain is a garment made of playtex material , MUTHAEFFIN PLAYTEX!!! when should there ever be a time when you are getting felt up and trying to return the favor and get cock blocked by a man girldle?! I ususally like my mens in fairly decent shape but I say to hell with it, if you’re a big boy let your shat hang and swang before you ever let yourself get caught dead in a girdle.

And is it me or does it seem that the man girdle is also compressing the main vein there? oy vey!!

My fav (and hopefully yours as well) plastic Diva was on the scene this past weekend it seems and this was the end result. Um er rah… um I mean her retina looks nice! it brings out the white in her shirt…

The real world…aka..the mortgage maker…got in my way last week as I canvassed the east coast looking for the best colleges and universities for you, but I am BIZZACK. And what do I see as soon as I turn my computer on…that the New Edition THIEVES, aka New Kids on the Block are going back on tour. Their Full Service tour begins on May 28th in Atlanta and features America’s Best Dance Crew Season 1 winners Jaberwockez as their opening act.

Poof boys…BE GONE. Stay away. Go back to dancing with stars, reality game shows and horrible albums.

You thieves do not acknowledge for one nanosecond that you would not be where you are without the God given talent of the loves of my life…Ronnie, Bobbie, Ricky, Mike, Ralph and Johnny. And for that..I detest you.

I detest the sheets, the lunchboxes, the dolls, the millions of dollars you made when my NE had to stretch their last dollar. I detest the go hard attitude of Donny Walhberg, the sappiness of Joey McIntyre and the pretty boy eyes of Jordan Knight.

Their most recent album…and I refuse to go look up the name…has one jam that caught my eye when I heard it on Ne-Yo’s cd…I almost gagged in my mouth when I found out that it was actually a NKOTB song. That jam is called Single. And Neyo’s version is MUCH better.

I digress…just waiting on the day that the New Edition tour dates are announced.

But for those who care.. opening tour dates are below.

Dates for NKOTB’s Full Service Tour:
May 28: Atlanta (Lakewood Amphitheatre)
May 29: Birmingham, Ala. (Verizon Wireless Music Center)
May 30: Tampa, Fla. (Ford Amphitheater)
May 31: West Palm Beach, Fla. (Cruzan Amphitheater)
June 2: Charlotte, N.C. (Verizon Wireless Amphitheater)
June 3: Raleigh, N.C. (Time Warner Cable Music Pavilion )
June 5: Virginia Beach, Va. (Verizon Wireless Amphitheater)
June 6: Camden, N.J. (Susquehanna Bank Center)
June 7: Washington, D.C. (Nissan Pavilion)
June 10: Scranton, Pa. (Toyota Pavilion)
June 11: Pittsburgh (Post-Gazette Pavilion)
June 12: Wantagh, N.Y. (Nikon at Jones Beach Theater)
June 13: Holmdel, N.J. (PNC Bank Arts Center)
June 14: Buffalo, N.Y. (Darien Lake Performing Arts Center)