Posted by Elphaba Of The Brew | Posted in Let's Discuss, Triffling Ass People | Posted on 30-04-2009
My ‘favorite’ Ask a Dude has a question of his own to ask. Lord Help us.
DUDE: Do me a favor.. take a survey of your male friends for me? Hell, u might want it for your blog. I’ve asked some guys I know… and most are balking at the question.. and only 1 answered but I don’t think he is realistic. Anyway..the question is…
BIANCA: “Do any of you handsome fellas wanna make love to a brother named DUDE?” (notice how he ignores me…)
DUDE: If you are involved with a married or seriously involved women. and she gets pregnant, and it’s probably yours–but she can and prefers to pass it off as her husband’s. Will you fukk up their relationship by wanting your child…or will u let sleeping dogs lie and let her live her life?
BIANCA: is that what you asked them? lmao dude that question is nuts, It’s a human being. How is it a sleeping dog?!
DUDE: No..the sleeping dog is the woman’s perfectly fine family, with husband that loves her…and doesn’t know she cheated— she is pregnant with the outside man’s child but will pass it off to her husband as his own.
BIANCA: I get that, but if you have a baby… that you know about and don’t claim it, are you a MAN? And if she gave a fuck about her “happy” marriage you wouldn’t be up in her RAW, would you?
DUDE: OK.. so can u ask your male friends without trying to be biased and guide their opinions please..b/c u already took a position and I don’t think u can ask impartially now.
BIANCA: Trust me, I can totally do that… (man get your own blog if you want unbiased!)
DUDE: BTW..this isn’t me! LOL I need to throw out that disclaimer
cause u know if it was..I would tell you. (SADLY, I BELIEVE HE WOULD)
Enjoy my boy who is NOT the father, a classic:
Posted by Piper from the Brew | Posted in bump and grind, car hoe | Posted on 29-04-2009
Okay I’m usually not a car hoe but if I knew a dude that owned this here ‘Red Ferrari Bubble Convertible’ joint, I’d do all kinds of nastiness to him at a moment’s notice just for a ride to the corner bodega. WHOO WHEEE!!!! It’s bizarre and odd looking and creepy and beautiful all at the same time.
Trust, I would have an extremely hard time keeping my pannies on in that bad boy, matter fact…. scratch the pannies altogether!!
Posted by Elphaba Of The Brew | Posted in Beauty, Free Stuff, hair | Posted on 29-04-2009
If you’re looking for a springy look AND you’ll be in NYC tomorrow, hop on over to the 5th Ave Sephora (between 48th and 49th) and let Frédéric Fekkai touch your locks. I know, you’d rather he touch your lady lumps…patience, my friend, patience.
The acclaimed stylist will be there from 11 am – 2 pm to give consultations to the hair-curious. Of course, he’ll also be pimping his at-home line Salon Color (no one does anything for free).
Get in line early. The great Frédéric is not taking appointments.
Allow the Brew to get serious for a minute. This swine flu is no joke (as we’re told by CNN 24 hours a day). It’s time to do the common sense things your Grandma told you: wash your nasty hands, don’t eat/drink after folks, don’t go to work/school if you’re sick and -above all- quit kissing random people all willy-nilly.
If you must travel, pack a mask. You know, like the one your manicurist wears down at the nail shop on 3rd. Ask her for one.
Posted by Elphaba Of The Brew | Posted in let's talk happiness | Posted on 29-04-2009
I wonder what the hell Nell Carter was thinking of in this pic, a cheeseburger perhaps??? ok ok , I know, I’m an awful awful person, the woman is dead but seriously I wanna feel that kinda joy. I think the last time I was that happy was when I found out there was gonna be a sale at my fav place to buy hair, 50% off on top of the line Brazilian/Indian hair no less! That and when I found out they were putting a Chipotle close to my residence when I still lived in VA, I mean I wanted to tongue kiss the lil burrito guy
What are some things that make you genuinely happy? Here are some of mine:
gettin felt up (the kind that doesn’t end in sex)
some new shoes
gettin felt up (the kind that ends with you gettin your wig displaced! YEAH!!)
kissing a boy who actually knows how to kiss and doesn’t try to suck my entire face and head in his mouth
shopping with my mamas money or anyone’s money for that matter
knocking things over by accident with my butt (that thing has a mind if it’s own and it’s so fun!)
witnessing people do kind things when no one is watching
the butterflies you feel when you think you might be falling in love
giggling about boys and life with my girls
lemon pound cake
that light feeling you have after you take a good dump
chicken and waffles
getting my teeth cleaned
when young boys lie and tell me I look no older than 26 cause they wanna ‘smash the old homie’, loves that!
the smell of fresh cut grass
soreness in my buttocks after working out
that rosy after workout glow (can be from either cardio or coitus, either one!)
ribs from Famous Dave’s
ribs from Famous Dave’s (oh my bad I said that twice, just in case you don’t get it…… ribs from Famous Dave’s )
and a slice of cake from Cake Love
These are some of the things that make a lady like me feel absolutely devine. What are some of yours?
Posted by Piper from the Brew | Posted in Gonna Have to Slap A.., Rant | Posted on 29-04-2009
If I have to watch you prime and Spackle that old wrinkly face ONE more day- I swear to White Jesus and all the Bi-racial Apostles, and Mexican Angels….I will slap you. I want to know how EVERRY morning your tacky ass is running so late, that you have to perform your grooming ritual EN ROUTE!? Get up 10 minutes earlier…orrrrr…here’s a novel idea- WAIT TIL You get to the office.
You have no idea how close you are to a beat down. For my freedom…please, I implore you: GROOM AT HOME!
Note: To this heffa who is grooming her child on the bus, while wearing a head scarf- like they are at home… I hate you.
Say it with me people:
GROOMING IS FOR THE POOPER ROOM!
Posted by Elphaba Of The Brew | Posted in Celebrity Love Letters, Come On Lemme Hit Dat | Posted on 29-04-2009
Oh, I almost forgot to ask…wanna do it?
Maxwell is back! Let’s all exhale in unison. The crooner is releasing his first album in 8 years. The new work, “BLACKsummer’snight,” is due out in July. Maxwell is touring this summer to promote the new project, including headlining a night at the Essence Music Festival.
The first single, “Pretty Wings,” debuted yesterday. Click below and relish in the moment…
Posted by Elphaba Of The Brew | Posted in sanitation poon, smelly snatch, Um Ew | Posted on 29-04-2009
Ladies, ladies ladies….. now I know we all can’t be massengil fresh every hour of everyday but why am I smelling vagi-snatch through your clothes??? Smellin like the ‘catch-0-the-day’ is not the jump off my friends. Let’s be a little more thorough when we are washing our asses? mmmkay.
Let’s worry a little less about designer bags and the like and step up that hygiene game, it’s only right. The young lady in question was very well dressed and attractive but sweet jeebus she was rank!! It just ain’t right for a woman to smell like that so I just wanted to post this brief PSA to all my lady friends. Fly chicks look and smell pretty, especially in the ‘lady parts’. Remember what Biggie said “Dey the ones I like cause dey they don’t get nathan but penetration, unless it smells like sanitation…..”
Posted by Elphaba Of The Brew | Posted in dumb ass questions, WTF? Files | Posted on 29-04-2009
Ok look! the information available to us is now limitless now that we live in the age of the WWW. There is nothing you can’t find out, no reason to ask “hey what’s a sea moose?” or “how do I spell cat?” or “where is that store located?” THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN’T FIND OUT ON THE WWW, NOTHING! It can make even the dumbest person appear to be smart. I beg you, please stop asking questions when a computer machine is right in front of you!!!
Posted by Piper from the Brew | Posted in celebrity news, gary coleman, Gucci Mane, Lil Wayne | Posted on 29-04-2009
People magazine has released its 100 Most Beautifulest People issue. This year’s winner is actress Christina Applegate a.k.a. Kelly Bundy. Gorgeous!
The rest of the list is made up of a lot of the usual suspects, a few newbies and even some members of President Obama’s team. Riddle me this Batman. Why is this list relevant? Is it so unfortunate looking people can feel badly about losing at the gene pool of life? We want to make the “strong-in-the-face” crowd feel better. So we came up with a list of The Brew’s Most Repulsive Celebrities.
The list is long and we’re still adding but here’s a sneak peak