Not to be left behind by Erykah Badu, Kimora Simmons has twittered that she is in labor with baby Amistad.

So, Twittering while dilated is the new black?

Ok I ain’t neva birth no babies so I can’t say what happens to your body when you do (but I have eyes and I’m not blind and I’ve seen what happens to some of my friends bodies…… just sayin) but this damn Mel B. is confusing as fug!! This is a hot body pre or post baby and if I’m not mistaken she did not look this hot pre babies…. so wow! GO MEL!!! I guess going hard with the diet and exercise does yield results…..

IN YO FACE RASPUSHA!!!!!!

We Witches don’t really care about basketball like that. I cheer for the team with the cutest players who don’t have a whole bunch of tats and baby mommas. So while most of “my people” are consumed with the NBA finals, I’m preoccupied with the stars on the sidelines. What the f#k are they thinking while watching hot sweaty menzes run up and down the court?

Tom Cruise

“Yeah, look at me on the jumbotron. My spikey, slightly disheveled hair says ‘I’m still relevant’. No one is going to hold Valkyrie against me. These people around me are GLIB!”

Puff & Jay

Terri Hatcher

“I can’t cheer, my face is too tight.”

I can’t say I’m up on all the reality shows on the boob tube, but I do get in my fair share. I’ve never been a follower of TLC’s Jon & Kate Plus 8, but I know enough about their story to get the gist of the show.

That’s why it saddens me that the breakdown of their marriage is fodder for both the tabloids, and yes, their own show. We’ve even covered Jon’s alleged affair here at the Brew.

Truthfully, I’ve got my own issues to work out, so I’m really not too concerned about being all up in their marriage. But it does bother me that 2 people who loved each other at some point aren’t giving themselves the privacy they need to either mend their family or go their separate ways.

Close to 10 million people watched the show’s season premiere this week, a record for TLC. Jon and Kate Gosselin have reportedly racked up about $6 million from the show so far. Now, are the Gosselins that money hungry that they’d rather keep the cameras rolling while their marriage falls apart?

When is it time to kick the cameras out and bring the marriage counselors in? What’s your call?

Remember when boys used to pinch and elbow you in class to show they liked you? That led to them making you check ‘yes’ or ‘no’ to profess your love (or, your dislike) for them. If you played your cards right, the next step was something my aunties always referred to as courting. That’s some ancient process where the guy rolls out the red carpet for your affection.

I think the art of courting died somewhere circa 1950-ish. These days, you’re lucky if you get a Can I come over? text, or a What you doin‘ tonight? e-mail. And don’t hold your breath for him providing you with a meal because he’s coming over to your house to eat the food you bought and cooked in your kitchen.

So I ask, what happened to dating? Does anyone go on actual Would you like to go to dinner with me on Friday at 8 at Chez Whitey? dates anymore? Is dating dead or are men just cheap? Or, maybe women are giving the goods away without the need for the dates? Perhaps since courting died, no one really knows HOW to date anymore.

Not to toot my own stuff, but I think I’m well-worthy of being asked out, putting on some nice duds, being driven in your car (on your gas dime) and taken some place decent (it doesn’t have to be Le Cirque but it can’t be In & Out burger either) for a meal that comes with no strings attached. Unless, of course, a sista wants some after-dinner strings… hey, we all have needs & I don’t judge.

In return for these dates, I will provide you with my undivided attention, my witty banter, my blinging smile (no, I don’t have diamonds in my teeth) and, perhaps, some of the good softlip when the date is over (the lips on my FACE… get your mind out of the gutter!).

Now, you don’t have to take me out three times a week (I do have other things going on). And I’m well aware there’s a recession going on. But it would be nice to get a weekly offer to do SOMETHING (dinner, movie, ice skating, concert, museum trip, walk in the park, go karting, kumbaya-singing… something that brings us closer together)! These are all things we women ultimately wind up doing with our girlfriends. Some of my best ‘dates’ have been with my crew. Damn shame my girls love me better than any man ever has.

Women shouldn’t have to beg for a man’s time and likewise, we shouldn’t have to plan everything either. It wouldn’t kill you to shave, put on some real pants and take us out. Man up and take charge… we like that, no matter how independent we are or may seem.

I’m tired of dating myself, dammit!!!

Pop “singer” Britney Spears apparently lost track of time and forgot Auntie Flo was comin’ for a visit. During a photo shoot for Elle magazine, the singer produced a homemade “Bloody Mary” all over several expensive dresses. Little birdies on the set also said that the shoot had to be stopped down repeatedly so Spears could take pot-tay breaks. To top it off she bounced wearing $14,000 worth of borrowed gear! It’s not the first time Spears has had a wardrobe malfunction. Back when she was shaving her dome and tryin’ to meet White Jesus, she let her dogs boo boo on a 6,700 Zac Posen dress and wiped her chicken grease on another expensive frock during a photo shoot. Man, talk about “hood rat stuff”. She’s cuntry as hell!

The Modern Man’s Guide To Cheating

Step 1:

Step 4:

Do not attempt to lose a pound, put down the dumbbell and pick up a hoagie- you hear me!? First of all you are the MUTHAFLIPPIN MAN! Why would you need to tighten up that gut? Secondly, you would never want your significant other, to think you are getting it tight for her or anyone else. DAMN THAT! Enjoy your beer, your boobs AND your babes. Trust me, the women you cheat with and on, will be so damn confused that you could possibly share that puzzle-bod with anyone besides them, they’ll never believe it!

What in the FredSanfordblackundereyecirclesnappyheadedhoe ish is this about? Geesh Red Alert, you were one of my hip hop idols. You made me want to be from New York. WTF happened? This can’t be your life now — all sweaty, disheveled and without most of yo teefs? Get a makeover, stat! Why must I make this blog cry?

Meet Desmond Hatchett. This poor lost soul is 29 years old with 21 (yes, count them) 21 CHILDREN by at least 11 women. And you guessed it, he can’t support them all on his minimum wage salary.

In typical “what had happened was” fashion, the Tennessee man says he never meant to father all these babies. He says “it just happened.” Uh, yeah, and it just happens that I like cake but I know when to push away from the table. Anywho, Hatchett claims all of the baby-mamas knew about his, well, situation. Take a look…

The kids range in age from newborn to 11. Legally, only 50% of his income may be used for child support. Now, I’m no math wiz, but that means by the time all his pesos are split among 21 children, some of these kids will only get about 2 bucks a month. I feel for you taxpayers in the Volunteer state (note to self: cancel that move to Memphis).

Does this dude have the Magic Stick? What is he telling these women? And shouldn’t his crotch be on fire by now?

I quit life. I have officially seen it all. Bury me face down with my iPod on so I don’t have to see or hear any more nonsense like this in the afterlife.

Baby Mamas pay attention. Play yo’ position for almost a decade and he’ll put a ring on it…before he peaces out for prison. T.I. reportedly married his longtime fiance Tameka “Tiny” Cottle in a super secret ceremony in Miami. The perennial couple tied the knot in front of family and close friends. The honeymoon was short lived because T.I. surrendered to authorities to begin serving his 1 year prison bid. I’m mad at the fact that it took him this long to make Tiny an honest woman but at least the brother came correct. Congrats to the couple. I’m sure they got it on and poppin’ before T.I. left even though Tiny has always had that “crunchy underwear” look to me. Forgive me White Jesus and let’s hope someone doesn’t wife Clifford in the clink!

I have a friend who has a major crush on this cutie who plans to move away very soon. So she’s won’t let herself fall for him. When I asked her why she looked at me like I had five heads and answered, “why fall and I’m just going to get my feelings hurt?” To which I replied, “why the frick not?” That night I thought a lot about our conversation and came up with a theory. I think we as women deny ourselves full pleasure. Don’t get me wrong. I think women enjoy themselves, I’ll even go as far to say we have fun, but we don’t give 100% in love anymore. It may be because early in life we are more free to love too hard and too soon. Eventually, that hard lovin’ may wear and tear on our hearts causing us to grow cold and immune. Immune to the flutter that used to raise from our bellies, immune to the special things in the beginning like a kiss, a compliment, a look. Our heart doesn’t recognize subtleties. We think a slight in schedule is a full fledged assault on us. We wake up numb and go to bed the same way, caught in a routine that at times can be comforting or crazy, depending on the day. My conversation with my friend has prompted me to make sure I dive in head first to everything without reservations. Forget the statistics that tell me that I may never get married, or have children or do whatever it is that I want to do.  I am closing my eyes and jumping off the cliff of life doing the “Stanky Leg” in 3…2…1!