Move over New Jersey, here comes Washington, D.C.!

On Tuesday, Bravo announced that it is expanding its popular Real Housewives franchise once again, this time heading to the nation’s capital and seeking women for The Real Housewives of D.C.

They are looking for influential people who rub elbows with the elite…

So Southeast Sally or Northeast Nancy is not on the calling list? I’m just saying. There are some respectable hooker housewives that live in Anacostia and Congress Heights….

What this really means is that these Housewives probably WONT live in DC proper, but instead will hail from our suburban cousins, Chevy Chase, Bethesda and Potomac in Maryland and McLean, Leesburg or Reston and some other far reaching suburb of Virgina. That is where the REAL cash in this area lies…

Prince George’s County (cause it’s only PG when referring to the hood) Woodmore Residents need not apply! We get enough negro from Ne Ne in Atlanta.

Nonetheless, I’ll be watching. And waiting for the moment when they are in Filene’s basement in Friendship Heights and I’m stalking the camera behind them..

oooo–shouldn’t have given away my secrets

So, I spent the holiday weekend ‘way down in the country deep’, with the fam, toasting a graduate and cooking out. You know how we Negroes do when it gets hot. As I was sitting and observing my surroundings (as any decent hood journalist does), I started to analyze all the tattoos I saw this weekend, coupled with all the awesomely bad tats in the NBA playoffs. That got me to thinking: what is it with the Negroes and body art?

Run it…

Baby Momma/Daddy Names

You know you will not be with this person past next year. Please don’t get their name scrawled across your back or (worse) on your neck. You do not want to see this person’s face when you look at your child much less inked across your thigh. Avoid the urge my people… just get a t-shirt with their name instead. The Negroes love t-shirts.

Fallen Homies
Why do the Negroes love to get their dead homies inked on their bodies? I mean, I love my girls and all, but trust, I’d just pour a little out for them and remember the good times. I wouldn’t get homegirl’s name on my calf so everyone can ask me for the rest of my life “Who’s Rita? I thought your name was Tiffany?” It’s just not a good look. Just get a R.I.P. sticker and put it on your car. The Negroes love that too. Better yet, take that tat money and donate it to a charity. A novel idea!

Children
Ooh, I might touch a nerve with this one (please don’t strike me White Jesus). You know the Negroes love to honor their children in random ways: putting the light bill in their name, opening a credit card under Lil Johnny’s Social Security Number, you know…hood stuff. We take it even further by putting all (yes, allll) the kids’ names on our bodies. You know your arm is going to run out of space for listing all dem kids anyway. As if the world doesn’t know you’re Lil Peaches’ momma. How ‘bout we start Peaches a college fund, mmmkay?

Bible Verses

And since we’re striking a nerve with White Jesus, let me just say, the Bible verse you have in the ‘tramp stamp’ area does no good as a reminder to you that ‘The Lord is [your] shepherd’ because you cannot even see it back there and we know you’re not reading it backwards in the mirror for inspiration. And while we’re on the topic of biblical things, please stop getting angel wings, praying hands, crosses with roses, Jesus with a crown of thorns, (I can go on and on)… Jesus would rather see you in church!

Chinese Characters

Are you an expert in Mandarin? Not the fruit fool, the language? Do you read from right to left? Can you even use a chopstick? Then why are you trusting a dude with a button-hole in his earlobe to tattoo the word “HOPE” in Chinese across your arm? This dude doesn’t read Mandarin either and that tat really says “5 Dolla Sucky Sucky.” Go down to Chinatown… you’ll see.

I have one request, my people: can we get our tattoos to have some kind of theme please? Especially if you’re going for the clustered or sleeve of tats look. The record company’s logo right next to the baby’s face beside the Chinese characters underneath the Zodiac sign next to your mother’s name with a rose through it above the Bible verse next to the loaded gun and bullet hole is not a good look!

I stumbled across this picture of Monica, Keyshia Cole and Ciara today and had to blink twice at CiCi. WTF? Are you a cat burglar or something? Is this your interpretation of a Rihanna “you so out-the-box” ensemble? Hood at the top, ladylike at the bottom. Confusing…and country. I’ma need you to resume your steze, stat!

Well, well, well what do we have here? I go out of town and return to see Ms. Halle bringin’ the fire with her new short do! I was silently praying to White Jesus that she would leave the weave be and muh prayers have been answered (**spoken with southern drawl) This is the Halle we all know and love… the “love-should-have-brough-you-home-make-me-feel-gooooooodddd” Hallee! That’s one fly MILF! For more pics check out YBF.com!

The Memorial Day holiday is wrapping up and ya girl just got back from a fun filled trip out West. My travel bliss was cut short at the airport because I HATE PEOPLE! So here are a few travel ticks that irk the s%$t out of me:

Slow Rollers

Asses in the aisle

Cabin Coughing

Bratty Babies
I don’t give a rat’s ass that little Tommy is crying because it’s his first flight and his ears are locked and loaded. Please keep him seated because if he looks back here one more gin’ I’m going flick him on his fivehead. Get some tussin from Cabin Cougher and sedate his little ass before I do! And stop asking the flight attendant for extra unnecessary shit that they don’t have. Like extra pacifiers and ointment. This isn’t CVS.
Happy Travels Bitches!

Here’s some stuff to do, in between getting black-lung by inhaling charcoal fumes. GO MEAT!

Friday– Support the Oldies

(Why do I feel like they are on an oldies tour like the Four Tops?) Sounds from the 90′s will be in effect with Mint Condition… Guess Toni put your boy back to work. I’m sure tix are still available…imjussayin‘.

Ram’s Head Tavern

Saturday and Sunday–Drinky Drinky with de Cocos dem…
CARIBBEAN WINE FESTIVAL

2009 CARIBBEAN WINE FESTIVAL May 23-24, 2009$15.00 (21 and older)$10.00 (18-20 years old)Under 18 free with adult. Photo I.D. Required for Wine Tastings

Through the weekend:

Get your patriotism on, remember why we get the day off, in the first place!

(Our Hot Prez would approve!)

Ok,let’s set the scene, he was FIONE!!! I mean fine like you never seent fine befo! Seems like once we met, we were inseparable. I wanted to be under him all the time and he wanted to be up under me. We refrained from becoming intimate right away because we were committed to getting to know one another better and building a good friendship. How could this go left I’m sure you’re wondering…. well let me tell ya….

His ding dong was BIG! now again I’m sure you’re thinking “and what’s the problem?” There are lots wrong with a flinestone size peen. Just like with a vienna sausage sized peen, you can’t do anything with a monster peen besides look at it, take pics of it for facebook and for proof cause you know when you tell your girls that the ninja was packin 13-14 inches they gon be like “this trick stay lying”. There are so many problems with a peen of this magnitude, if you are like some ladies *cough* not me, but some ladies that enjoy things that are oral in nature you can’t even do that without permanent jaw damage.



So needless to say we simply cuddled, and kissed and talked and I stared. I don’t have babies yet and if I woulda allowed that thing to go poking around in me he woulda had my fallopian tubes wrapped around my neck like pearls, so I had to respectfully decline. His ego was through the roof that his ginormous peen sobered me up and if it was any consolation for me, he could NOT kiss worth a damn! Just an awkward transference of loads of saliva and very little tongue. He probably never bothers to perfect his kissing game cause he figures he has that big, ignornat, giant peen and that will make up for any foreplay shortcomings. This is the problem with most men with ample peen, they think big giant peen is all they need to bring to the table (or back alley, or car, or kitchen counter, or parking lot) and that is simply not the case!

I hear he’s married these days, wonder how the wife is handling that ‘situation’, she’s certainly a better woman than me or perhaps a ‘wider’ woman than me……..

Uh huh…TOLD YOU MY DADDY IS THE PRESIDENT!

Let’s just say that today’s TNL comes from a broken and bruised employee (ok, that’s kinda drastic, but a sista is tiyud!). I was sitting on the train last night (at 9 pm, *eyeroll*), lamenting my lack of life these days, when it hit me, what do we like about work? Is there anything good about work, aside from direct deposit? So that started this mental list… run it:

T.I.’s days of freedom are winding down. The mini-rapper will serve his prison sentence in Arkansas beginning May 26th. T.I. will get credit for 305 days of house arrest that he’s already served. So, technically, he’ll spend just 2 months in the federal prison. Not enough time to really get his “swole” on in the weight yard.

T.I. will likely get a cell mate (they have bunk beds at this prison). And once young Clifford Harris gets out of the pokey, he’ll be on probation for 3 years. He also has to pay a $100,000 fine.

In case you forgot (but how could you?), T.I. was arrested after trying to buy unregistered guns from the feds back in 2007.

I don’t know about you but the best thing on TV this season (aside from Ray J…yeah, I said it) was TV One’s Unsung. The show focuses on “unsung” and fallen stars in Black music. Unsung is gearing up for a new round of profiles.

Starting next month, TV One will profile Supremes founding member Florence Ballard, Minnie Riperton, Shalamar and Melba Moore.

I’m getting my popcorn ready for Howard Hewitt’s silky mullet right now!

The new season of Unsung will kick-off Black Music Month with the untold story of Minnie Riperton. The new season premieres June 7th at 8 pm (ET).

Four more episodes of Unsung will air in November. Take that BET!