Mark Sanford… it’s time to shut up! The South Carolina governor just can’t get enough of talking about his affair. Last week, he apologized profusely for skipping out on the state and heading south to meet his mistress (that’s her in the middle). Then the e-mails between the two came out. Then he apologized AGAIN to his colleagues. Now, he’s telling the Associated Press that he and his lady friend have a “love story… a forbidden one, a tragic one, but a love story at the end of the day.”

He even admitted to getting close to other women during his marriage to his wife Jenny (that’s her on the right).

Uh, sir, could you please stick a sock in it now? I mean, is this “In Treatment?” “Intervention?” What? Dude, shut up…already!

Meanwhile, Sanford’s wife –who has known of the affair for months, kicked her hubby out and demanded he never see the woman again– has gone public herself. Jenny Sanford says she doesn’t care about Mark’s political future. She just cares about the character of her children! Did you hear that Hillary, Elizabeth and Silda?

Way to go Jenny!

I’m just sayin’…

Today’s TNL is about the story we’ve all been following since last Thursday: Michael Jackson’s life and legacy. I first learned of his death as I emerged from the subway and overheard a rather loud man ask his friend “did you hear Michael Jackson died?” After I picked up my mouth, I snatched my trusty cell phone outta my purse and quickly went to TMZ (cuz they tend to be up on these things). Lo and behold the friggin’ TMZ site wouldn’t even load. By the time I made it to the car, I realized the news was true, so I was compelled to stop for ice cream (hey, life is short, might as well get your flowers now…and technically, it was frozen yogurt). I rode all the way home with my windows down and MJ’s music blasting on the radio. Well, blasting about as loud as my standard, dealer-issued speakers can handle. But you get where I’m going with this.

So that got me to thinking about what we Negroes love about the Jacksons.

Run it:

Michael

We loved his music and his moves. We even loved his fashion choices back in the day. Who else could pull off glittery socks? And how many of us had that glove or ran out and got Jheri curls? Of course looking back, we wouldn’t be caught dead in that stuff today. We love that he never let his curl get dry nor did he flood with Leisure Curl products. It was jussst right. We loved that he took one for the team and still did the Pepsi commercial even with his curl on fire. Now THAT’s dedication. We gave him a pass in the 80s when he started hacking away his nose and changing his Negroid features. But, many of us finally turned our backs on him after he morphed into a white woman and expressed his affinity for slumber parties. But, we’re all back on the Michael bandwagon now. Actually, I think we’re selectively remembering Negro Michael and even Mulatto Michael (from his Bad days). Whatever floats your boat, I guess. Hee hee, owww!

Janet

Sure, she’s sexy, she looks good in a dominatrix outfit, she gave Paula Abdul steady work in the 80s, she managed to secretly marry the finest of the DeBarges and she played the heck out of an abused child on TV (*looking at you Joe Jackson*)… but what is it that most of the Negroes love about Miss Jackson If You’re Nasty? That donk! Let’s keep it real, if you’re of the male persuasion (and some of you ‘shims’ too) you’ve been drooling over Janet since she was Penny on Good Times and you probably followed her to Diff’rent Strokes and even watched her on Fame. You love her chubby and you love her thin. These days, you still love her but every time you see her, you think “dayum, if Jermaine Dupri can get that, why can’t I?” Hey, maybe there’s still hope!

LaToya

She’s such a mess that you can’t help but love the girl. She was cute back in the day. Okay, that nose was taking up 2/3rds of her face but still, she was cute. Now, she’s posing with snakes in Playboy and is kinda scary-lookin’, all skinny and hiding under 20 lbs of yaki premium. Come back to us LaToya!

Rebbie

I’m still trying to find out if Rebbie is raising Janet’s secret child. I mean, can we get a resolution on that? Anyway, I don’t know about you, but whenever Centipede comes on, I must hit the floor and pretend I’m a worm. One-hit-wonder she may be, but everybody knows that song and remembers the video.

Tito

The most normal of the bunch. He looks like your uncle: got a little beer gut, a not-quite-right ‘fro and looks like he kept his nose! Yeah Tito!

Jermaine

Well, I’m not sure if there’s anything really spectacular about him to be honest (although Let’s Get Serious was the jam). I think the Negroes just love to look at him. Doesn’t he remind you of fried chicken with all that oil sheen on his edges?

Rockwell

Okay, so he’s not a Jackson but dammit he’s Berry Gordy’s son and that’s close enough. Give him an honorary pass for Somebody’s Watching Me. That song never gets old. Just ask Geico.

Family Ties

No matter how much they talk about their difficult upbringing, ‘dem Jacksons go hard for their family. We all know devil poppa Joe Jackson used to get in dat azz on the regular with switches, his bare hands, extension cords, his shoe, guitars, couches and microphone stands. But, somehow, they always stick together. Like Cephus & Reesie, they tight!

Until next week, pour some out for Jacko! (I’m not even gonna make a Jesus Juice joke…dangit, I just did).

So while Beyonce was preparing to take flight in her pannies at the BET Awards, her sister Solange was channeling her inner Rainbow Brite in this spandexy get-up at the Annual LGBT Pride parade in San Francisco over the weekend.

Well, pose for the camera now…click, click honey.  You are working that, uhm, nail polish?

I got nothing.

Damn I lost one-hundred dollars to my Granny bookie! I bet her it would take Shady Sharpton three days to inject his “for-profit” foundation havin’ ass into the Michael Jackson fiasco when it took five. Sharpton and Katherine’s baby-daddy gave a press conference today to discuss the pop star’s estate. From what I can make out between the rambling, Joe feels the family needs to be cautious to preserve Michael’s legacy. Makes sense to me. When reporters pressed him on a time frame for funeral arrangements he responded, “didn’t I just answer that question?” Then he plugged his record company. But back to Al. Have you no shame? What is your purpose here really? These opportunists need to fade to black, stat!

What is it about the colored and fast food joints? Police arrested this Hungry-Hungry-Hippo after he called 911 repeatedly claiming he got short-changed from a McDonald’s ringer-upper near Portland. 23-year-old Jeremy Martin told police he gave the girl at the window a ten dollar bill but only got a “burger and a fry”. Dispatchers told him to step, but he kept calling. So they hauled his bloated ass to the clink. Big boy you are the Brew’s Cornball of the week, weak, weak!

If you’re like me, you like to keep your vagicat in a silky, smooth state. Perhaps you leave a strip, just clean up the edges or you go for the full Monty and wax it all off. Whatever your pleasure, beware, there are some hazards to bikini waxing.

MSN reports one New York woman got a wax and wound up with something called cellulitis (sounds naaastay). It’s a potentially life-threatening bacterial infection of the skin. It nearly killed the woman. She spent 15 days in the hospital. Waxing pulls off the top layers of the skin which creates an opening for bacteria to walk right in. And voila… you’ve got cellulitis!

So, here are some tips to keeping your vajj smooth and your butt alive:

1. Choose your waxer carefully – Just like you do background checks on a man or a potential hairdresser, make sure the wax place is clean!
2. Ask what type of wax is being used – make sure it’s chemical-free
3. Watch out for dirty birdies – Did the waxer clean her funky hands? Is she double dipping the wax? Ya know, stuff like that.
4. Buy yourself some post-shave/wax cream – That will keep bumps from appearing because you don’t want to look like the before photo in the Magic Shave commercials.
5. Watch out for infection – Duh!

Happy waxing ladies (and, well, gents…how you doin’?).

Amid all the gangstaliciousness at the BET Awards, we managed to lose another one.

Popular TV pitchman Billy Mays was found dead in his home on Sunday. He likely died from a pulmonary embolism in his Florida home. Mays had an enlarged heart but results of his autopsy won’t be known for weeks.

Mays became famous for his pitches of various household products like Kaboom! and Oxi Clean.

In an odd twist, Mays was on a Saturday flight that had a round landing. He reportedly hit his head during the landing. But officials say there was no sign of head trauma.

Mays was just 50 years old. Man, life is so short.

Let’s all pour out a little Oxi Clean dust in his honor.

*ok deep deep heavy sigh* Beyonce is a beauty, seemingly inside and most definitely outside. She seems humble and appreciative of all that she’s accomplished. She gives 280% on the stage. Whether you are a fan of hers or not you cannot deny that fact, the woman means bitness! and comes to work to work. Sasha will not be issuing any refunds! best believe that….

Um but recently I became an observer in a twitter debate where it was suggested that she is now the heir to the musical icon throne now that my dear, sweet baby Michael J is gone….. to that I couldn’t help but be like

I give the B’ster all the props allowable by law but I promise you there is NO ONE to fill Mike’s shoes, no one! man, female, cat, dog or sea moose. He is it and all we’ll ever have. Are there talented people left? of course! But Mike kicked doors down and the beauty of it all was that he was just doing what he loved, it consumed his very being. His smile was electrifying when he was performing. It’s almost like we weren’t even there and while I’m sure he was happy to be a pioneer in the music world, I can assure you he wasn’t thinking “yeah let me put the best music out here coupled with impeccable dancing so that later I can afford Soulja Boy Tell Em the opportunity to be heard by the masses”. yeeeeeeaaaaa, NO! Everyone acknowledges that without him they’d be nothing, so why are we looking for another him? You won’t find one, Ever!

Beyonce gets me crunker than a mug when it comes time to shake my ass meat, no doubt! And I can even get with her sometimes when she gets on her slow mode shit, (I still cannot get on board with the acting, sorry guys!) But stop inserting her name in these sorts of debates and just let her talent stand alone for what it is. Heir to the MJ throne????…… BLASPHEMY!!!