I have drawn the short stick and had to suffer through this entire show to report the Brewshyt fashions that are bubbling up in LA. I predicted lots of gloves, glitter and penny loafers in misguided homage to the King of Pop. And your cousins did not disappoint.

*Brew Note: In an homage to this cheezy ass show, no purchase of a Getty image was going down! This review is gonna be as bootleg as the show it reps!

***

One woman’s struggle for relevance continues… So, it wasn’t enough that we had to give this broad a gyno exam on Twitter? I would think the only way to go from that is to be oh, just slightly moe modest.. no? No?
Seriously-
These cries for attention are boring me. Get a hobby, volunteer or something. Shit.

SIGH

WTF in the CandyMan Striper hell? Kudos on getting the weight down..but you coulda premiered it in something a little less ”What magazine would you like to read, sir?” fashion, Ant’nee Blackblush Anderson.
And Brandy’s brother… dare I say? You look *gulp* Good!

Mario- I know times are tough and all..but did you really need to recycle some of the satiny tops of your Dancing With the Stars costumes?
Nice biceps doe.. they almost distract my cougar ass from that dome piece!

Finest homewrecker in the land (allegedly)!

Even in his ‘mourning’, Joe couldn’t keep his eyes off of her assets… seriously Joe- we’re going to have to have a talk!

HER FACE IS UP THERE!

Amber Rose.. hi…Boo… I like how you and Kanye are role playing tonight.
Let me guess…Construction worker and naughty 80′s nurse?

Amerie, I wanna like you.. I always have, really. But zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Plus.. the bootlike sandals–while hot– look well.. FUGGING HOT! It’s the end of June in LA for goodness sake. It’s like Beach on top, winter in NY down below. Meh.

And…as if on cue..look at this escaped troll from under the London Bridge. She looks like a casual toilet paper roll. Is it formal denim? I don’t ‘get it’.

Fire your stylist- stat- she hates you! Keri. Damn, Great body, pretty face.. yet you have on the happy dinosaur cocktail collection, stars and scales oh my!

Ahh ‘Raji.. boo.. this isn’t a real awards show. Look at you taking it all serious like, looking FABULOUS.

See ‘Raji- you could have just pulled out your mom’s old ’80s Business wear.
It’s like she was over this already.. I don’t blame you Ty.. I don’t.

From the Broke Black Barbie Collection? No seriously: Fuchsia, Glitter…POUF ANNND FEATHERS? Omanosir!

My favorite performance ‘get up’ of the evening. Ya girl Bee… in her PANTIES, sanging ole Catholic Spirituals. I guess she put on the see thru Christmas Tree skirt to be respectful? WTF?

Though, I guess it’s better than this, SOUNDED. Holy Screechin‘ cat of all Tributes. Why does this woman have a career?!

7:58 pm: T-2 minutes til the start of the BET Awards and the highly-anticipated tribute to Michael Jackson. I’ve got my Jesus Juice ready and I’ve taken my pee break. Let’s get it!

8:00 pm: BET kicks off the show with a replay of MJ putting the cape on James Brown… cue to New Edition cranking that “I Want You Back/ABC” medley. Somewhere, our very own Vanessa is creaming her pannies!
P.S. Ralph Tresvant…where have you been and why are you the only one in tune?

8:02 pm: Somebody turn Bobby’s mic on… On second thought, DON’T!

8:03 pm: To quote Randy “American Idol” Jackson… “You’re sounding a lil pitchy, dawg!”

8:04 pm: Jamie Foxx comes out in a tight ass Thriller get-up. Not sure how I feel about this. Hmmm…

8:06 pm: Jamie leads crowd in a mammasaymammasahmammakusah call and response and a series of jokes. Stephen Hill, didn’t you get my memo? Where the hell is Beyonce? Paging Chris Brown. Why is Jamie still on? Didn’t I tell ya’ll there’d be some Jamie coonin‘? Who’s next?

8:11 pm: Jamie announces his camel toe. Can I turn the channel yet?

8:12 pm: Jamie moonwalks. I’d rather see Chris Brown do “Beat It.” (oops…maybe he shouldn’t beat anything else)

8:13 pm: Tyra Banks enters (her forehead appears first though)

8:14 pm: LeBron James gets Best Athlete Award. Will he walk off without shaking Tyra’s hand like he did Orlando?

8:15 pm: Lil Wayne wins Best Hip Hop. But did Tyra just call him Lil Weezer?

8:20 pm: Maxwell “Pretty Wings” commercial airs. So what, it’s not a part of the show. Sue me!

8:21 pm: Jamie’s now wearing the Billie Jean get-up. Sadly, he didn’t get the cue that the show started.

8:22 pm: Keri Hilson takes the stage. Again, WHERE IS BEYONCE? I need more MJ tribute action.

8:25 pm: Keri does a mini-MJ tribute (or was she doing a tribute to the Fonz?). Epic fail? I dunno. I’m still hoping for more.

8:26 pm: Word to White Jesus, here comes Ne-Yo. And he took the hat off!

8:29 pm: Joe Jackson sighting. Doesn’t he kinda look like the devil?

8:34 pm: Bump back in with a mini MJ montage of his videos. Aside from Ne-Yo, the first 30 minutes were a snooze. See, you shoulda called me Stephen! And why is Anthony Anderson wearing that suit?

8:35 pm: KeKe Palmer inadvertently plugs her album with a “Who’s Loving You” verse. Blah. Can this Bobb’e Thompson boy just do the friggin‘ Nike puppet voice already?

8:36 pm: Are you forkin‘ kidding me. 36 minutes into the show and Jamie is singing the damn T-Pain Goose Nuvo song already? Ah well, at least Travis Barker was a bright spot.

8:47 pm: Who.the.fork.let.Soulja.Boy.in.the.Shrine.Auditorium?

8:48 pm: Can I gouge my eyes out now?

8:49 pm: Amber Rose sighting. Who has more hair, her or Kanye?

8:51 pm: Letoya Luckett on stage with Chaka Khan and Estelle. I didn’t think Mathew Knowles would allow Letoya inside the Shrine. Maybe Beyonce isn’t in the building yet.

8:52 pm: Jamie Foxx, T-Pain and T-Pain’s $400K “Big Ass Chain” win the best collaboration award. Quoting my boy Richard: “I Hope They Put T-Pain’s Big Ass Chain In MJ’s Casket…”
My sentiments exactly!

8:54 pm: Ne-Yo wins best male R&B artist and all he can say is “Damn, damn…” Oh, then he thanks White Jesus and Def Jam.

8:55 pm: Can Trey Songz read?

8:59 pm: BET honors the normal people who do good work. Somehow, I can’t buy this with Jamie wearing the Beat It jacket and after he just blamed it on the Goose.

9:00 pm: Finally! Beyonce!

9:01 pm: Beyonce does the Ave Maria without PANTS? WTF?

9:02 pm: I’m getting up right now to send a care package of pants to Beyonce, Lady GaGa and Katy Perry.

9:04 pm: Did Beyonce clear that song with the pet commercial and Sarah McLachlan?

9:05 pm: That was beautiful, B! Is that Italian (read: EYE-talian)?
Was she a bride, an angel, MJ’s angel taking him to Heaven? I’m lost…

9:11 pm: Jamie tosses to a “movie” promo that took a few shots at Tyler Perry and features Martin Lawrence and Jamie Foxx in their Shenehneh and Wanda drag. Clearly, BET put a lot of pre-production into the show and they don’t want to lose their money by just doing a full-on MJ tribute.

9:13 pm: Arsenio Hall sighting, in the audience though.

9:14 pm: I’m now wishing Monique was hosting this show.
Mary Mary takes the stage. Them girls got some hips. (Don’t strike me White Jesus)

9:16 pm: Aww shucks, King Queen Latifah’s in the building with Mary Mary! And she’s rapping, not doing that sangin‘ thing.
Wait, did dude just thank his SEARS co-workers? *Dead!*

9:21 pm: MC Lyte doing the voice over. Aww shucks, paychecks still coming in!
Nichelle Nichols is in the ladies room so Zoe Saldana has to present the award by herself. $20 bucks says Nichelle was in there getting it onnnnn with Captain James T. Kirk!

9:23 pm: Taraji P. Henson wins best actress award. Is this show on speed or something? We don’t even get the full list of nominees? Can we get a fullscreen list or something? Is Taraji rockin‘ a mullet? Is it that hard out there for a pimp?

9:25 pm: Keri Hilson wins best new artist. Something tells me we weren’t supposed to hear that snippet of her song with the words “big shit poppin‘”. Ooops, BET!

9:27 pm: Jamie sings that independent song. I’m sorry, is this the Jamie Foxx show?
Here comes Ne-Yo with that bald head again. This reminds me of the first time I saw LL Cool J’s head and wanted him to put the hat back on.
Fabolous joins the party. Every time I see him, I check to see if that tooth’s been fixed…….. FAIL!

9:30 pm: Oh, NOW Ne-Yo thanks MJ. It’s all good Mr. Yo. Singing Lady In My Life was enough.

9:31 pm: Keith Sweat is still begging. Keith Sweat still has Duke curl products in his hair. Some things never change.

9:33 pm: Guy takes the stage. That Crazy Legs dude is still dancing, but what the heck happened to Aaron Hall’s voice? Does he smoke?

9:34 pm: Bell Biv DeVoe performing Poison. Vanessa’s poopin‘ her pants! Somewhere Bobby Brown is mad these dudes get to perform twice.
Does this mean that New Jack Swing stuff is making a comeback?
What’s up, Troop can’t get no love? Mamacita…

9:42 pm: The Real Housewives of Atlanta without Kim? Was she “tardy to the party?” Epic fail!
No words for you Mr. Ray J.

9:43 pm: Uh, could we get an intro for Ciara? Who signed off on her singing a ballad?

9:45 pm: Paula Patton & Mike Epps. Where’s Robin Thicke? Can we see him?
Aww shucks, Monica & Keyshia Cole. Let the party begin! Is Keyshia wearing a Peggy Bundy outfit?
I sure hope those Monica stans come back here and comment!
Eh, I preferred this song more when it was called “The Boy Is Mine.”

9:51 pm: Let me get a sip of this Jesus Juice. Where the heck is Chris Brown already? I’m ready for a real MJ performance.

9:55 pm: Jamie tells the story of the Black mayor of Philadelphia, MS but the dude doesn’t get to talk. Womp, womp.

9:57 pm: Jeremy Piven & Marlon Wayans present best female R&B artist but, first, they must give a shout out to Joe Jackson. Beyonce wins.
Joe Jackson takes a good look at Beyonce’s rump as she walks to the stage. You ain’t slick Joe!

10:00 pm: Jay-Z kills Autotune!!!!!!!!! Swagger on 100 now that he cut that awful Michael Evans ‘fro.
Funny he’s killing Autotune after Jamie and T-Pain won for it tonight.
Sidebar: Jazmine Sullivan is doing cotton commercials? A check is a check…

10:09 pm: Crazed fans in the nosebleed seats take out the BET camera man. Hey, everyone needs some shine, I guess.

10:10 pm: Day 26 introduces Don Cornelius. I thought he was doing time for wife beating?
Suddenly, this show just earned 15 extra minutes because you know Don can’t say a sentence in 5 minutes.

10:12 pm: Al Sharpton sighting. Damn, his edges are tighter than mine. Paging a perm…paging a relaxer…stat!

10:13 pm: Don Cornelius begins the O’Jays tribute.

10:15 pm: TEVIN CAMPBELL!!!
Should we go get Kathy Griffin and the rest of the D list?

10:17 pm: Johnny Gill left Eddie Murphy’s guest house long enough to join Trey Songz and Tyrese to tribute the young O’Jays.
Sidebar: This Trey kid is kinda sexay. You don’t need to be able to read to be my man. I’m just sayin‘…

10:22 pm: Oh shucks, they’re singing Stairway To Heaven… I think I just heard panties drop across the street!

10:27 pm: And Don Cornelius is still talking!
Finally, the O’Jays take the stage. Uh, why is the new O’Jay allowed to talk. Get your Michelle Williams on and let Eddie and Walter talk.
Did Walter just thank Donnie Simpson? Donnie don’t play no O’Jays music anymore.

10:30 pm: Eddie Levert takes the stage. Is he gonna talk about Gerald and Sean? Grab my tissues. Please don’t make me cry.

10:31 pm: Eddie said “shit”… haaa. Too late BET censors!
What, no mention of your kids?

10:33 pm: The Mighty O’Jays take the stage. They’re doing Let Me Make Love To Ya Baby. I think I may have been conceived to this song. I’m just sayin‘…
Now they’re doing For The Love of Money. Doesn’t Donald Trump own this song now?

10:37 pm: Norwood Young & Niecy Nash sighting. Is she wearing gold lame?

10:43 pm: Johnny Gill tells his story of first meeting MJ back at the Grammy’s at an afterparty. How you doin‘?

10:47 pm: Sherri Shepard and Idris Elba introduce Debra Lee but first, Idris sends a prayer to Catherine Jackson. The man has class and a sexy accent.

10:49 pm: Debra Lee gives props to Stephen Hill, BET employees and celebrities for putting this BET Awards show together in honor of MJ. Mmmm, I’m not convinced yet.

10:52 pm: Debra announced Wyclef Jean and Mashonda’s husband stealer Alicia Keys will get the humanitarian award. Alica won for her work in Africa. Wyclef won for his work in Haiti. He also reminded us he came from a hut.
Sidebar: Where are they hiding Maxwell?

11:06 pm: Taraji is back. Tyrese thinks he’s Baby Boy still. And, scene…

11:08 pm: Taraji and Tyrese present the viewer’s choice award to T.I. and Rihanna for Live Your Life. T.I.’s babymamma Tiny accepts it. I’m not even gonna say anything. Sigh.

11:10 pm: Now Ving Rhames wants to get in on the re-creation of Baby Boy. I’m over already. Why couldn’t he come out butterball nekkid like he did in the movie? Then, I’d have something to blog about.
Uh, someone tell Ving these are not the BET Video Awards.
Beyonce wins video of the year for Single Ladies. Aww, a little peck for Mr. Carter.

11:13 pm: Jamie plugs his tour. But you already knew he was going to do that, right?

11:14 pm: Ok, Maxwell. I can die now.

Sorry, blog break.

11:20 pm: Okay, I’m back. All systems shut down when Maxwell is on. Even my Momma called me. Oh, that man and his Pretty Wings (now that’s how you do falling feathers, take note Beyonce!)

11:24 pm: More real people get awards (Food From The Hood organization) but again, we don’t get any comments from them.

11:25 pm: Drake performs with Lil Wayne and the rest of those Cash Money people. I’m sorry dude, you were on DeGrassi. I can’t with you.

11:26 pm: Lil Mama sighting. Wonder where she got that ponytail? She should return it.

11:27 pm: BET censors suck. I really did not need to hear Lil Wayne tell me he had that “dope dick.” Eww… I need a shower.

11:31 pm: Mom calls me and I quote: “Now this is some filth…are those girls underage?”

11:37 pm: Aww damn. Tearjerker. Here comes Janet Jackson! She says to the audience, Michael was an icon. To her, he was family. God is surely lifting her up. She looks strong.

11:39 pm: Jamie & Ne-Yo sing I’ll Be There. Touching moment. But are there any other crooners there besides Jamie? Where’s Mariah?
Ne-Yo touches my heart. I love that guy. He gets the magnitude of this moment.

11:42 pm: Show ends.

I’m left feeling a little duped. While there were several songs done in tribute to Michael and performers like Keri Hilson and Ciara gave a nod to him with their wardrobe, I just wanted to see a full on Michael Jackson moment. Breaking news catches the unprepared with their pants down. Perhaps that was the case here? Maybe I just expected too much for 3 days of preparation. I know how hard it is to pull off breaking news, so decent job BET. I think?!?

Good night!
-Jem.

11:35pm
Ne-yo and Jamie Foxx (*again*) singing, “I’ll Be There”…this was a nice way to end the show. Should it have followed, “Always Strapped?” Um, no…but hey somethings are our of our control. Next up Jamie & Ne-Yo Collaboration, “Best of Both Worlds: We Run BET”.

11:25pm
Drake singing “Best I Ever Had”…wearing a Kanye college dropout collection sweater. Bringing light-skinned back again. No chains, just a beaded necklace, nice style. He has a thick ass neck. I like that he’s not all jumping around on stage…uh oh, cue the prayin mantis, Weezy F. Makedembabies. Dang, can’t hear half the song because of sensors. We know the words BET, now you want to sensor? Hold up. Rapper dude with a hot leather jacket, dude with a lumberjack. Lots of confusion on this stage. Hold it down Drake. They are going to have to throw away Weezy’s mic after this performance because it cannot be used again…ever! I liked that they brought all types of girls on the stage not just LSLH. Cue Baby on stage.. it’s taking a turn for the worse..rapping “Always Strapped” Did they really just say “Rest in Peace MJ” then say the N-word in the next sentence? Really? Gonna have to throw Baby’s mic away too. This is pure ass!

11:15pm
I’m awake now….MAXWELL!!!! Singing “Pretty Wings”..still a cutie, wish he grew his hair long again. Just him and smoke on stage. He really doesn’t need anything else. This is a nice song. Confetti fallin’ are these “wings”? Nice effect, ‘cept they keep hittin’ him in his dome. Couple of spins. That’s some grown man ish right dere Maxi! Paid homage to MJ at the end. Yes!!!! 10 out of 10. Let’s put this puppy to bed…please.

10:33pm
The O’Jays — “Let Me Make Love To You”..okay I can’t really talk about the O’Jays because old folks are off limits. Eddie can do no wrong anyway. Bless his heart. Next!

10:15pm
Tevin Campbell “Forever Mine” wow…he looks road hard and hung up wet. Poor thing. He still sounds better than a lot of the other acts tonight. He’s got that blunt smokin’ lips. Stepping from side to side. I guess that’s all we’re going to get huh TC? He’s only on for a quick minute before he introduces Trey Songs, Tyrese, Johnny Gill. I guess he’s in the bathroom smoking by now. They’re singing “Backstabbers”. All dressed in all black. I’m confused. Isn’t this supposed to be about Mike? WTF are you singing the O-Jays? Is there some connection that I’m missing? They sound okay. Johnny Gill mushes his lips together like an old man who wants more jello.

10:00pm
Jay-Z, “Death to Autotune”…okay must admit I’m biased about this because this is my husband in my mind. He shut it down very simple. Not brewchies dancing, no hype man, just him bringin’ it. B was on stage getting her award when Jamie escorted her back to her seat instead of her walking off to the back. He told her something exciting was about to happen and that’s when Jay popped on stage. I was wondering where we was. 10 out of 10. This show can end now.

9:45pm
Keyshia Cole & Monica — Singing, “When Hoodrats Attack”….just kidding. Singing whatever their new song is. Monica is full dominatrix gear and Keshia in a hotpink picnic outfit. Um, they’re both talented..and need to stroll down a different musical road. I’m not feeling this. Standing at the top of some steps? For what? Oh, I get it, the stage is rotating. Wowzer! Keyshia legs look like yellow pixie sticks.

9:43pm
Ciara – I think. Gag me with a hot poker. Singing “Heal the World”…someone heal her voice, stat! Glad they kept that one short.
Next!

9:34pm
BBD singing “Poison” …..um yes, I could use some right about now. All the old heads in the crowd are trying to do the wrecks ‘n effect. This song is still the shyt though. Ronnie still looks the same. Here come the Brewchies. Actually this performance isn’t that bad. It has some energy. Please don’t ask the crowd to sing along, clearly they’re not. Why are you back on the stage Ne-Yo?

9:32pm
Keeping with the old man in the club theme…Here comes Aaron Hall singing “I Like”….pass the tea and honey to his ass cuz he sounds like he swallowed a hair ball from Rick Ross’ beard. No LeBron isn’t doing the “shake and bake” to this.

9:31pm
Old man in the club sighting number #7 Keith Sweat and his whiny ass singing “I Wanna”. He sounds like ass. Shiny suit and S-curl in effect. Holding his imagination. Who is the little Buckwheat lookin’ dude on stage with him? This sucks.

9:27pm
Negro Vu? Nope, it’s Jamie Foxx…again. This time he’s with Ne-yo so I’ll forgive his frequent performances. Now he’s at a piano. This dude is a freakin’ Prince tonight. They’re singing “Independent” remix. Love this song. Again with the ass and the smoke! Ballet? Really? No more gloves people, seriously. Neyo has a red ones. Fabo with a puffy vest making me hot. This is boring….zzzzzzzzz…

9:14pm
Mary Mary – singing “God in Me”. I noticed not a lot of people standing on this one. Heathens!!!! Queen Latifah with the long weave rapping, very nice. I like this song and I can’t talk about another Christian on a Sunday. Next!

9:00pm
Uh oh — B’s in the house, cue fan machine. Singing Ave Maria..wait is someone getting married? Wonder woman get up. That’s still my girl and at least she can sang like the good Creole she is. Uh oh. They’re giving her sea amoeba for a skirt. It looks like a placebo. What was the point? Ummmm, I do like this B, not feeling this one bit..now she’s singing that background song for the third world pet adoption commercial. I’ve got the sads. Where’s the razor? Geeze, can you end on Freakum dress? Now it’s snowing. This is eerie as fuck. This is over their heads B. The crowd is probably like Ava who? Who dat?

8:47pm
Soujah Boy Tell Em — not even sure if I spelled his name right, who gives a fuck. Rapping “Turn My Swag On”. What is this low-budget special effect bullshyt? Is that a leather vest? No sir. He took off his vest and lumberjacket. Bird chest. Pants hangin off his ass. Stupid ass. He looks 12 1/2. Camera man can you stop fast zooming, you’re making me dizzy as hell. All that zooming and his jumping is not the biz. Uh oh, the porch monkey’s off the porch. He’s in the crowd, gave Kanye dap. Back on stage and ran off. I give him a 2 1/2.

8:36
Jamie Foxx –Singing “Blame It”…came out in all white sweat suit, MJ shirt, brewchies in the background, shameless plug…album cover on a big as bottle of champagne. Lots of smoke and ass. Tyra Banks knows the words to this? WTF? Kayne and his video ho enjoy this song too? Here come the minstrel show that is Snopp wearing a hot ass leather down to his knees. Jamie’s a little boring on stage. Here comes T-Pain running up the aisle with his BIG ASS CHAIN. He’s sporting a Rick Ross stinky beady beard. I know those mics smell like death and ass. All Shyt!!! Travis Baker is on the drums??!!!! It’s about to get stupid now. He’s dope. Jamie has a guitar. He really thinks he’s a rock star. Didn’t Jay do this already?

8:27
Ne-yo — Singing “Lady in My Life” sans hat. Egghead need steze but that boy can blow…er…sing! I like Ne-yo ever ever since he told that chubby girl who liked cake that she should lose a few because the biz was shallow as hell. He keeps it real. Back to his noggin, it’s big and I can’t concentrate. Kept it short and sweet. Goodbye!

8:22pm
Keri Hilson — She came out on a motorcycle complete with a smoke machine. Rihanna “Bad Girl” steze. Starting singing “Turing me on” then “Knock You Down” , white glittery Michael Jackson socks, cuffed jeans, just surfed into the crowd, that was kind of hot but what if they let her drop? Her outfit is a little plain though. Whole set is tough girl “West Side Story” lookin’….reeks of dykeness…hmmmmm. She’s taking off her jacket, doing a little MJ tribute, cute but uhhhh ohhhh she’s going rogue, asking the crowd to repeat “when it comes around…” (*crickets*) I’ll give her 5 Brews out of 10.

8:00
New Edition MJ Tribute — Oh yeah!!! Old men in the club unite! Started singing “Oh Baby Give Me One More Chance”. Their moves are nice, segued into “ABC”. Good opening of the show, but these mofos were probably fighting like hell until the curtains rose. Bobbayyyyyyy, your mouf is still crooked. Still good to see them all together. I used to love Ralph. He’s looking a little skeletor like. Struggling on some of the notes. I think they’re getting winded…

7:57
Day 26 — Singing “I’m A Put It On Her”….no I’m a turn this off. I can’t really say anything bad about these dudes.. Well yes I can. I guess corny nerd glasses are the theme because Mike is looking really “what you talkin’ about Willis” with his. Why is Rocsi’s accent so freak fake? Que is rocking one glove with his bitchass. Uh, they cut them off, fade to black, show time!

7:45pm
Jeremih singing “Birthday Sex” if these pre-show minstrel acts are any indication of how the show is going to go then we are in trouble…trouble. Again with the backup dancers? I’m mean damn, straight from the stroll to the stage. People please!

7:30pm
Pleasure P — Coonin’ to “Boyfriend Number 2″. What is with the twin backup dancers theme? Their jumpsuits are hot though. Uh oh, he’s giving a shout out to MJ, while singing that shitastical song? Um, no sir!!!

7:20pm
First up — LeToya Luckett. I really like this chick because she refuses to bow dow to the Beyonce’s machine. But her performance during the pre-show, not so much. LeToya sang “Not Anymore” and I wasn’t feeling the sub-par dance routine or her twin backup brewchies at all. She’s hot though, no denying that. There’s just really no room for her in this “Beyonce-Rihanna world” as Charlemagne put it.

New Edition (all 6), Jamie leaning with a first edition MJ jacket….what more do you want!!!! They didn’t sound their best, but Ricky’s mic was out and Johnny looked crazy trying to be Tito with that damn Guitar!

Jamie’s Monologue will go down in HISTORY as the most crass, brew-tastic brewshit in history!!! Wanker yanking aside….the moonwalk across the stage bought a tear to my eye.

Ne-yo just RIPPED it singing “The Lady in My Life”. The tributes continue…and I will keep you posted.

And why is Joe Jackson in the audience??? Shouldn’t he be with the rest of his kids in the house?

Next tribute comes from Ciara…who needs to SHUT THE HELL UP…Boo they pay you to dance, that’s it.

WHERE IS THE OFFICIAL TRIBUTE!!! DO WE HAVE TO SETTLE FOR CIARA AND NE-YO???

Still waiting on the tribute. These half assed Micheal Jackson memory moments could have been done a little better.

So I hope that Drake and his limping self and Wayne and the Pedophila was NOT the tribute to MJ…Joe Jackson’s ass should have the flipped the switch and turned off the mics!

This mixing of the show that was already planned and the injection of the MJ is really not working. They should have JUST planned a complete tribute show to be aired a later date.

So I’m sure the Grammy’s will do a MUCH better job at an official tribute. This brewshit is for the birds……

Janet Damita Jo Jackson was extremely poignant. Thanks for reminding us that Micheal is more than a performer. He is a member of her family. She is hurting. They need to grieve and we need to respect them for that….

The Coonery of the night was in no way a tribute to MJ….the white folks at the grammy’s, oscars and AMA’s will do a much better job!

SMDH!

7:28
Ewwww Mario…. no hur??? NO SIR!!!

7:32
Fuck Jeremiah and this wack ass “born day sex” shit! freakin garbage. Mike is not happy with this!

7:41
Hmmmm Monica’s hur???? hmmmm…… (I’m not gonna even post a pic, last time we said something about Monica we got e-slapped…)

7:58
Ok Imma be needing Overbite Combs to sit dern somewhere and let these tools perform….

8:00
New Edition, opening…..not bad, not bad at all…. Ralph was a lil winded though.

8:05
Jamie Foxx, “Beat It” this some funny shit! He’s a fool! doin it in his Beat it Knickers!

8:15
Truly hate the NBA players and their addiction to grandma’s jewels…. ugh! Your iced out eear

8:17
Hmmm Weezy looks like he got a facial…. good shit dude

8:23
Kurry Hilson, okay, just okay, that fit at the end….. thumbs down! (did she get the wrong memo? We lost MJ genius!, Elvis already left us….)

8:26
Neyo, why do all the wrong people have baldies tonight??? NO SIR NEYO!!!
great job on your song though, really……

8:35
Holy Retina Batman! is Anthony Anderson thin?!!!!??
KeKe- the sangin…. hmmm ok – still not clear what the pink and red get up was about Ant but eh! eff it! So did you call 1-800-Jenny?

8:36
Jamie’s back with “Blame It on the Alcohol” I love him, right now he can do no wrong

Tyra bet not sweat too much, her glued yaky pieces gon slip out…. trust me, I know….

T-Pain and his Big Ass Chain….. DIE!!!

Travis Barker!!!! YES!!! ok this was hot, dope, ya’ll know….

Tiny, Toya… have a suicide party…. good grief!

8:48

Mike’s glove is turning doo doo brown right now with the Soulja Doofis shit….

8:51
hmmmm Chaka took a couple bags of hair out her head…. interesting…

damn T-pain look like a barbecued raisin, WTF!

yes Neyo…. think hats… always…. even in the shower boo…

is Tre having a hard time reading??? could be that u have on SUNGLASSES INDOORS YOU DUMB FUCK!!

9:01
ok it’s ya’lls second coming of Jesus with a vagina…. Beyonce…let’s see…

she singing that song from the ‘save the dogs” commercial w/ Sarah Mccoughlin, gets me every time..this vagina Jesus gon make me cry

I’m confused as fug by this performance but B got mad, crazy, stupid Stans and I don’t want no trouble….. I come in peace…

9:11

Shanaynay and Wanda…. “Skank Robbers” I’m dead, YES!

9:14

oh shit these God broads gon have me in here humping my sofa, ….. “God in me…”
They a lil sexy for Jesus but that’s for another blog……

King Latifah came out and really put it down! “Give it to em King!”

9:23
WHAT IN THE FUCK IS ON TARAJI’S HEAD????? A HAIR HAT??

9:27
Neyo didn’t I tell you hats at all times?! even in the shower…… I hate forkin repeating myself! shit!

9:30

oh no no no no, me no likey the Sweat….. what is this elderly 2 step he’s doing???? get off that stage pops!

9:33

Aaron Hall pay your video hoe baby mama her child support!!!

9:42
oh CiCi, go model and stop punishing me with this singing…. what the fork did I ever do to you?? damn!



10:01
That is one sexy ass Camel…. “HOVA HOVA HOVA!”

10:08

So when will this thing come back around to MJ??? they are not focused…

10:11

Um Don Cornelius finna die up there people!!!

Seems like Don can’t read…. he got that Tre Songz, it’s like the Swine Flu of reading….

10:18
Damn Johnny got that aggressive R&B voice, I think my pannies just fell….10:28
Ok I need Don escorted off…HIM IS RAMBLING AND HIM CAN’T READ!!!!10:33
Took a dump during the Ojay segment….

10:40
Ok I’m back and they are still performing, we need a BET sniper….. STAT!

10:43
Ok no disrespect, but is it a good thing for Michael Jackson to say ‘I like what ur wearing?” I’m just asking Johnny Gill??? just asking….

10:56
So Chris Brown doing “Beat It” must be the crescendo for the end huh?

10:59
wow! check out Mr. Keys finally looking like she only has a vagina as opposed to a peen too….. you go! beautiful!

11:07

Oh God, I wanna burn Taraji’s hair hat!…….

11:09
OH-MY-GAWD!!! Tiny is accepting: “mah husband in the pin ova dat thing, but we is reel reel thankful, watch mah show!”

11:15
NO! FAIL MAXWELL!! teeny weeny afro does not make my loins jump…..

11:20
Toya: “for years I been stuck in this box” roach motel?????

11:27
Um Drake looks like Jason Kidd and Tony Parker’s love child…..

11:37
Awwww Janet….

11:40
I absolutely cannot take seeing pics of young Michael, the first boy I ever loved….

“Tat tat tat it up, tat tat tat it up”…People we must address this atrocity stat! Just because you can, doesn’t mean you should. Tats are so not for everyone. Think about it. Do you really want to be an old ass wrinkly heifer sporting a nasty blob that used to be a rose on your long ass droopy tittay? And let’s talk about your big ass cross/heart/baby daddy name/kids’ faces/ on your swole ass arm that resembles a stuffed hoagie cuz your ass don’t work out. Enough! Ladies, please consider the consequences before you get a “skank stamp”. Express your self in other ways, like poetry, hood rat stuff, sumthin! You could be rockin’ couture, but your ass will always look dirty with an visible tat. We don’t have to be ghetto all day, do we? Really?

Singer, songwriter and model Steph Jones is definitely a cutie. He hails from Houston and is the brother of comedian DeRay Davis which I found out because I stalked his little ass on the internet. He’s also rumored to be dating Jordin Sparks but something tells me he and his little Lenny Kravitz steze is going to leave that good girl from some freakier waters real soon.

Police in Cali are reportedly “searching” for Michael Jackson’s personal doctor who lived with the pop star. They towed the doc’s ride, but so far he’s M.I.A. Many fear this quack has been feeding MJ the “good good” to ease his physical and mental pain. This sounds all too similar to the circumstances that led to the untimely death of actress Anna Nicole Smith. In that case, her shady attorney/lover/friend Howard Stern watched as she popped endless pills until her body gave up. Another hanger-oner who seemingly turned a blind eye to a very visible and slow descent into recklessness. Tragedies are only tragic when no lesson is learned from them. So the lesson for today: beware of your hangers-oners. Enablers are not good in any capacity. It doesn’t matter if your rich, or if you’re “black or white”. You could be a normal mofo livin’ from check to check and have them in abundance. They could be your girls who don’t tell you the truth when you’re making a fool out of yourself, then criticise you for your bad choices. They could be the partner that picks your self-esteem apart to the white meat and convinces you that your unworthy. Michael Jackson and Anna Nicole’s death give me the sads on so many levels. Of course we mourn, but maybe it’s time for us to look closely at our “hangers-oners” and do a little house cleaning. These u-peep’s (unecessary people) in your life may not be helping you mainline that bin Laden, but they may be draining you in other areas. Michael Jackson and for that matter Anna Nicole Smith had a lot of fans, friends and family but they were really very lonely people and for that they may have paid the ultimate price. R.I.P!

Now that Michael Jackson has gone to glory, I’ve been mentally producing the BET Awards, which air this Sunday night at 8 pm. What can I say, I have a vivid imagination and a journalism degree. Sue me! I’m hoping BET gets this right. I’m hoping they don’t just slap together a Michael Jackson video montage and leave it to the artists to say kind words in their acceptance speeches. This man will always be the KING OF POP! Honor him, regardless of how kooky he was.

So, here’s my plan for the BET Awards:

Show opens with a montage of Michael’s best dance moves… moonwalking, crotch-grabbing, hee-hee, acha-oooh, hooin’ and shamonin’.

Then lights go dim and all you see is glittery feet. Then we get a little Usher moonwalking across the stage, singing a little Billie Jean number.

Insert dramatical (yes, dramatical) music interlude.

Enter…Beyonce. She’s wearing a sequins silver glittery get-up (c’mon, you KNOW she has one in the closet) and she descends from a grand staircase (she doesn’t fall this time) and starts singing a few bars of Off The Wall.

Insert another dramatical interlude.

Here cometh Ne-Yo for some of that dance across the floor, year of the gentlemanly stuff he does with canes and fedoras and whatnot. He does a little Smooth Criminal but can’t quite accomplish that lean.

Sprinkle in a little Justin Timberlake somewhere in the mix (because he thinks he’s an honorary Black anyway though many of us still haven’t forgotten how he did Janet dirty).

Another dramatical interlude and up from the floor come Jay-Z and Lil Wayne who do some ill tag team freestyle of Dirty Diana.

Here comes Jamie Foxx (you know he can’t host a show without singing, plugging a movie and suggesting you buy his new album) to officially open the show.

Blah, blah, blah, awards are given out. Blah blah.

Midway through the show, in a surprise “I can’t believe BET pulled it off” moment, the remaining Jackson siblings are all on stage (yes, even Rebbie “Centipede” Jackson). Maybe they sing a little diddy, maybe they don’t. But the crowd erupts in tears and has a complete come to White Jesus moment at the sight of Tito, Janet and Jackie Jackson (who was always the cute one in my book) all on the same stage.

After the Jacksons depart the stage, we get another little mini-tribute from the standard tribute-giver: Yolanda Adams, who sings that Free Willy song.

Then in another dramatical moment, BET dusts off Chris Brown who sings a somewhat captivating, attempt-to-save-my-career rendition of Man In The Mirror (which applies to him in more ways than one). The crowd eats it up…except for Rihanna who is the first shot camera #2 picks up once the performance is over. Her face is tight, kinda like Justin Timberlake’s after that Britney-Madonna kiss at the MTV Awards.

Blah, blah, blah, more awards given out.

Closing the show… Jamie Foxx plugs something then Stevie Wonder appears, cuz he always closes shows. He’ll sing whatever the hell he wants to sing cuz he’s Steveland Friggin Morris. Somewhere, Anita Baker, Chaka Khan and Patti LaBelle emerge and a full on let-me-out-sing you battle erupts and you forget what song is actually being sung.

Credit roll…

Tacky post-awards show begins.

Everyone goes to sleep, except for Paul McCartney who is secretly plotting how he can acquire the Beatles catalog.

Call me Stephen Hill… I’ve got ideas man!

OK REALLY! WTF!! ok we have already covered Reverend Psycho Ass Moron here at the Brew but now I done found this here gem where he’s pushing a Jesus rag that cures back pain……

OK SO NOW DO YOU WANNA TAKE THE WHEEL JESUS???? HUH??? DO YA?????

This guy clearly must have some followers otherwise he wouldn’t be around. I know one thing, he would get punched right in his muthaeffin face if he screamed that “AND GAWWWWDDD!!” shit in my face…… nutbag!