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Witches' Brew | White Jesus Approved Rss

Dear Old French Wh@re

9

Posted by Elphaba Of The Brew | Posted in Old French Wh@re, Uncategorized | Posted on 30-06-2010

The woman above is not necessarily a whore or French.  Please don’t sue.  We have no money.

Please welcome the newest addition to the Brew Family. While the Dudes give you perspective into the several different  (often scary) ways the male mind works and help your heart to be smart; our friend Babette LeMoan, retired from the world’s oldest profession, (AND she’s from French! )  wants to help you with your down belows.   She knows her way around le boudoir (and le backseat),  and will answer any question of a sensual nature.  There’s not a sexytime problem she can’t fix, when you put Babette in the mix!

Without Further ado, Old French Whore…

Allo, Brewchies!! , you may call me Frenchie, mon petites!  Eet is soo bon, to be here to azzist you weeth your problems avec le passion! Let us get right to it, shall we? OUI!

Dear Frenchy,

I met this really great guy, he’s fun, he’s handsome and smart.  I’m very attracted to him, but he has a very small penis. I’m talking about the size of my thumb. What do I do with that?! I have never encountered anything like this ever!  I don’t want to dump him BUT, in this world of STDs and AIDS.. I like to have the encounters I have actually COUNT. If you know what I mean?!

Signed,

So Small It HurTs!

Dear SSIHT!,

Ahhhhh, this classique, conundrum.  Great homme,  wee peepee.  Une of all, let’s get these myths out of the way.  It is NOT le motion of zee ocean. It IS THE SIZE OF THE SHIP! Who wants to ride a dingy?! Non, non, non! That said, you can not throw out the babydick with the bathwater. That is just the reality of the situation.  A man is more than the sum of his tiny little parts.  Ask him if he will not be creative in ”other ways”.. . SEE MY VERY NOT SAFE FOR WORK LINK.  If he is adamant about not ”aiding the sitution’  then his  ego is grander than his privacies-which is another problem and I would advise walking away  And personally, this is just me, I would tell him exactly why.  EX:  ”JEAN, I CANNOT FEEL YOUR PETITE LOINS WHEN YOU CLAIM THEY ENGAGED IN THE COITUS!  IT IS NOT ME, IT IS YOU. BONJOUR!”

We are doing a disservice when we lie to these men to protect their egos. As you negroes (ooh I do  so love that Josephine Baker) say:   ‘TELL ZEE TRUTH SHAME ZEE DEVIL!”

That is all,

Frenchy

Please to send ANY questions for Frenchy, care of Elphaba (sexygreenthang69@gmail.com, oh even that Elphie knows.. 69 is prime–well minus 2!)

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Brew Tube: Old Spice Man Is Back

23

Posted by Witch Hazel | Posted in Brew Tube, old spice | Posted on 30-06-2010

The Old Spice dude is back and he’s still shirtless (there is a God). Dare I say his abs are in even better form than before?

Whoa. He got a donk!

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Brew Love & Stuff: Zoe Saldana’s Engaged

24

Posted by Witch Hazel | Posted in Brew Love N' Stuff, zoe saldana | Posted on 30-06-2010

Zoe Saldana is about to take the marital plunge. And it only took a decade.

Saldana and her boo, Keith Britton, are engaged after 10 years of dating. See, all that encouragement to date “something new” doesn’t always mean he’ll put a ring on it right away either. These things take time, I reckon.

Anyway, Britton is the CEO of something called My Fashion Database (suddenly, I’m intrigued and about the hit the googoo).

Saldana is keeping quiet about the relationship and engagement because she wants to keep her private life just that…private. Good for her.

Ladies, is 10 years too long to wait?

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Brew Pics: Jay-Z Really Is The King of NY

20

Posted by Witch Hazel | Posted in Brew Pics, Brew sports news, Jay Z, nba | Posted on 30-06-2010

I think Jay-Z is trying to run the Tri-State area…

Mr. Carter and the Russian billionaire/new owner of the New Jersey Nets, Mikhail Prokhorov, are gracing a new mural on the side of a building overlooking Madison Square Garden… you know, WHERE THE NEW YORK KNICKS PLAY??? That’s like your husband’s old flame moving to the house across the street and flaunting her assets when you go out to get the mail. Scandalous!

The 225-x-95 foot mural should be done this week. When it’s complete, it’ll show Jay and Prokhorov with the Nets’ logo and the words “The Blueprint For Greatness.” The Nets’ CEO says it’s all part of an “aggressive marketing platform” to get New Yorkers on the Nets’ bandwagon since the team will move to Brooklyn in a few years.

So, Knicks fans… y’all mad? Wait. Are there any Knicks fans?

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Dear Chilli…

24

Posted by Witch Hazel | Posted in Celebrity Concern Letter, Celebrity Letters, chilli | Posted on 30-06-2010

Dear Rozonda Ocelean Thomas,

You are one hot MILF (good, we got that out of the way), but your recent fashion choices are surely perplexing. Now, you were in one of the hottest groups of all time, you’ve got that lil find a man show on VH1 and your babyfahvah was the maestro behind some of the best jams of the ’90s and whatnot. So, surely, you’re getting some checks from somewhere and can afford a stylist, a style godmother or a really trendy gay to shake his head and say “mmm mmm girlfriend, that ain’t the move.”

Don’t get me wrong. You’ve come a long way from wearing condom tee shirts and pajamas. I just don’t get why you’ve resorted to simply phoning it in on the style front for your last two major award show appearances, when you’ve got the frame to set.it.out on the red carpet. You could put these little pop tartlets who are half your age (and with half your hits) to shame.

I mean, shiny jumpsuits? On a red carpet? Really? Did you sleep in them?

C’mon Chilli. Don’t let me down.

Signed,
A Concerned Fashion Observer Who Really Hopes You’ll Get That Man So VH1 Can Give Your 60 Minutes To Fantasia’s Brother Teeny

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