The woman above is not necessarily a whore or French.  Please don’t sue.  We have no money.

Please welcome the newest addition to the Brew Family. While the Dudes give you perspective into the several different  (often scary) ways the male mind works and help your heart to be smart; our friend Babette LeMoan, retired from the world’s oldest profession, (AND she’s from French! )  wants to help you with your down belows.   She knows her way around le boudoir (and le backseat),  and will answer any question of a sensual nature.  There’s not a sexytime problem she can’t fix, when you put Babette in the mix!

Without Further ado, Old French Whore…

Allo, Brewchies!! , you may call me Frenchie, mon petites!  Eet is soo bon, to be here to azzist you weeth your problems avec le passion! Let us get right to it, shall we? OUI!

Dear Frenchy,

I met this really great guy, he’s fun, he’s handsome and smart.  I’m very attracted to him, but he has a very small penis. I’m talking about the size of my thumb. What do I do with that?! I have never encountered anything like this ever!  I don’t want to dump him BUT, in this world of STDs and AIDS.. I like to have the encounters I have actually COUNT. If you know what I mean?!

Signed,

So Small It HurTs!

Dear SSIHT!,

Ahhhhh, this classique, conundrum.  Great homme,  wee peepee.  Une of all, let’s get these myths out of the way.  It is NOT le motion of zee ocean. It IS THE SIZE OF THE SHIP! Who wants to ride a dingy?! Non, non, non! That said, you can not throw out the babydick with the bathwater. That is just the reality of the situation.  A man is more than the sum of his tiny little parts.  Ask him if he will not be creative in ”other ways”.. . SEE MY VERY NOT SAFE FOR WORK LINK.  If he is adamant about not ”aiding the sitution’  then his  ego is grander than his privacies-which is another problem and I would advise walking away  And personally, this is just me, I would tell him exactly why.  EX:  ”JEAN, I CANNOT FEEL YOUR PETITE LOINS WHEN YOU CLAIM THEY ENGAGED IN THE COITUS!  IT IS NOT ME, IT IS YOU. BONJOUR!”

We are doing a disservice when we lie to these men to protect their egos. As you negroes (ooh I do  so love that Josephine Baker) say:   ’TELL ZEE TRUTH SHAME ZEE DEVIL!”

That is all,

Frenchy

Please to send ANY questions for Frenchy, care of Elphaba (sexygreenthang69@gmail.com, oh even that Elphie knows.. 69 is prime–well minus 2!)

The Old Spice dude is back and he’s still shirtless (there is a God). Dare I say his abs are in even better form than before?

Whoa. He got a donk!

Want more Witches’ Brew? Add our feed & follow us on Twitter!

Zoe Saldana is about to take the marital plunge. And it only took a decade.

Saldana and her boo, Keith Britton, are engaged after 10 years of dating. See, all that encouragement to date “something new” doesn’t always mean he’ll put a ring on it right away either. These things take time, I reckon.

Anyway, Britton is the CEO of something called My Fashion Database (suddenly, I’m intrigued and about the hit the googoo).

Saldana is keeping quiet about the relationship and engagement because she wants to keep her private life just that…private. Good for her.

Ladies, is 10 years too long to wait?

Source

Want more Witches’ Brew? Add our feed & follow us on Twitter!

I think Jay-Z is trying to run the Tri-State area…

Mr. Carter and the Russian billionaire/new owner of the New Jersey Nets, Mikhail Prokhorov, are gracing a new mural on the side of a building overlooking Madison Square Garden… you know, WHERE THE NEW YORK KNICKS PLAY??? That’s like your husband’s old flame moving to the house across the street and flaunting her assets when you go out to get the mail. Scandalous!

The 225-x-95 foot mural should be done this week. When it’s complete, it’ll show Jay and Prokhorov with the Nets’ logo and the words “The Blueprint For Greatness.” The Nets’ CEO says it’s all part of an “aggressive marketing platform” to get New Yorkers on the Nets’ bandwagon since the team will move to Brooklyn in a few years.

So, Knicks fans… y’all mad? Wait. Are there any Knicks fans?

Source

Want more Witches’ Brew? Add our feed & follow us on Twitter!

Dear Rozonda Ocelean Thomas,

You are one hot MILF (good, we got that out of the way), but your recent fashion choices are surely perplexing. Now, you were in one of the hottest groups of all time, you’ve got that lil find a man show on VH1 and your babyfahvah was the maestro behind some of the best jams of the ’90s and whatnot. So, surely, you’re getting some checks from somewhere and can afford a stylist, a style godmother or a really trendy gay to shake his head and say “mmm mmm girlfriend, that ain’t the move.”

Don’t get me wrong. You’ve come a long way from wearing condom tee shirts and pajamas. I just don’t get why you’ve resorted to simply phoning it in on the style front for your last two major award show appearances, when you’ve got the frame to set.it.out on the red carpet. You could put these little pop tartlets who are half your age (and with half your hits) to shame.

I mean, shiny jumpsuits? On a red carpet? Really? Did you sleep in them?

C’mon Chilli. Don’t let me down.

Signed,
A Concerned Fashion Observer Who Really Hopes You’ll Get That Man So VH1 Can Give Your 60 Minutes To Fantasia’s Brother Teeny

Want more Witches’ Brew? Add our feed & follow us on Twitter!

Singer Lloyd says he told Chris Brown to cry during his Michael Jackson tribute at Sunday’s BET Award. In case you missed it, Breezy broke down in tears while singing “Man in the Mirror” and just like that all was forgiven with your cousins. Hmmmmm….I’ll take a big plate of gullible with a side of “I’ve been had”!

Grandma Vivica might want to think twice before she comes at Monica again. Like the rest of us, Vivica Fox was not feeling Monica’s batwing dress at the BET Awards, so she shared her thoughts as part of her job as BET’s fashion correspondent or whatever (Auntie Viv will collect a check, won’t she?).

Once Monica heard about the diss, she went to Twitter (where else?) to air Viv out:

#POW

Then after a few more tweets, Monica -being the survivor, still standing, I been dragged through the mud, yaada yaada kinda girl she is- tweeted that she’s not going to expend any more energy on the situation.

Now, the two have talked and it’s all gravy:

Mmmmm hmmmmm.

Yeah, he’s not buying it either…

GIF

Want more Witches’ Brew? Add our feed & follow us on Twitter!

I wish your cousins would use their creative minds in another way. This boo kitten thought it was a good idea to paint her badoink and march around South Beach. Sad face time

Don’t act like you didnt watch the original Beverly Hills 90210.  Who could have predicted out of that entire cast of ’90′s sideburned goodness;  that the original dork,  David Silver would be the one to get keep the the most prime of the time Hollywood panties of them all. 

Vanessa Marcil

, Kelly Kapowski (Sure, she has a real name but she’s always Kelly Kapowski to me!)

… man eff 50 Cent. Brian Austin Green’s got the Magic Stick. 

Maybe it’s his ill dance moves and butter lyrics?

I pride myself on two things, my nosiness and my cunning. I would make a MAGNIFICENT spy. Ask all my ex-boyfriends! (I’ll BBM you all their numbers) I can find ANYTHING on anyone… just gimme a strand of hair and the name of their third grade pet. I’M THAT SICK WITH IT.  So, I’m a little miffed that the US  Gubment has not called me to work on a little counter intel mission of our own! I’m certainly cuter than the Russian chick they arrested! TEAM AMERICA, FOCK YEA!! (See, and I’m patriotic!)

Anna Chapman, arrested for being a Russian spy

The FBI has arrested 10 alleged Russian spies and broken up a “long term, deep cover” network of agents that spent years adopting American identities and gathering an array of intelligence, from information about nuclear weapons to the gold market and personnel changes at the CIA.

In an indictment that might have been taken from the plot of a cold war thriller, the FBI alleges that the Russian intelligence service, the SVR, sent spies to live in the US under false names with the intent of becoming so Americanised they could build relationships with sources and gather information without raising suspicion. Some of the agents lived as married couples and had children who have grown up as Americans unaware that their parents are Russian.

The arrests were made in Arlington, Virginia – close to the Pentagon and CIA headquarters – and in New York, Boston and New Jersey. One of the detained couples lives on the west coast, in Seattle. The justice department said one other alleged spy, who is accused of delivering payments to members of the ring, is still being sought.

STORY

This shit is sooo Bourne Identity Stylee. Call me CIA, I’m also trained in the Black Tae Bo arts!

Leather Alaia booties. I. DIE!

Um excuse me sir! But did I miss something? Is this facebook or shegottadonkIwannahump.com? How you sending me a note via facebook taumbout “hey we have mutual friends, you are sexy! can I get to know you?” HUH????? Ok now there are days when I’ m nearing desperation, sure, I’ll admit that but as a woman of age (and by ‘woman of age’ I mean 22) I am sooooo put off by facebook predators that lurk in the crevices of their 50 Mbps fios innaweb connection speed nukkin pa nub. Like ikk dude! Seriously!

I like interacting with my friends and such via facebook, indeed I do, but I DO NOT wish to make love connections this way. Stop being cheap! sign up for eharmony muth-effa! Can you possibly meet the love of your life on facebook? I guess anything is possible, but some people actually wanna social network just to social network. I suppose my real question is, why do some men take any and every opportunity to holla??? It’s not even that serious, you are looking at pictures and deciding “yeeeeeaaaaa, let me spit my game at that right dere!” boy sit down!

Black love is in a state of emergency anyway. I don’t have a steady and have been cutting my dates down to about 4 a month since I’ve been able to splurge on some extra groceries with my own money (oh the horror!) thereby diminishing the need to date feverishly, but as an observer I see and hear everything. Like I the guy I saw the other night that was supposed to be on a date slide off to the bathroom so he could get the digits of a girl who’s tittyballs were spilling out on top of the bar, his real date looked classy, guess that’s not hot. Or how bout the time I was on a date and a man walked up to my guy and said “whoooo wee, you sure are lucky!” and my date in turn said “Man this mofo crazy!” what is he talking about?” Excuse me sir! Needless to say the date crashed and burned from that point on as my date couldn’t wrap his mind around why someone would find me hot. It’s not like I paid ole boy, I date to get quality meals, do I look like I have extra money to dish out as payola????? *sigh*

In closing, I simply wanna facebook on facebook. I wanna update my status letting my friends know when I have a wedgie or tell them about the times I put my pannies on backwards, maybe solicit people to buy me Chipotle, or ask people to drive me to Philly for some cheesesteak. I prefer to meet my menses the old fashioned way, in the grocery store, specifically the meat department, somewhere between the steak and the pork chops (chicken/turkey men rub me the wrong way……. literally )