Dear Shaun T. (@shaunTfitness),

I used to think of  you as my personal fitness BooBoo. But now I think of you as the man that maimed me, you pretty uberfit sonofabtch. Let me start at the beginning.

So, I like to workout.  But, I also like to lay up with a cute boy and eat chocolate cake off of his ass, but that’s another blog for another day (But, I’m sure you feel me).  As an adult sized person who works full time and then said ‘hmm I want to change careers’ and goes to school full time, well I just dont  have the energy to go hard like I used to.  My morning 3 milers have gotten few and far between–but..there is always time for grown up boys, grown up boy asses and chocolate cake.  I’m on my grind, son!

Annnywho’s… starting to feel like a lard ass, I see your infomercial for your new program Insanity…that promises, major payoff for major sweat… 60 days to a hot body. “I CAN DO THAT SHIT!”  I pick up the computer and plunk down the virtual credit card. Game. On.

• Day 1. Fit Test. Not as bad as it could have been, based on the fact that I sit at computers for 30 hours a day.. Yea..do that math, I’ll wait.  Tania (@TaniaAnteBaron), the chick in the video (and a Shaun T. veteran), is blowing the water out of the dude next to her. This makes me feel like ‘yea….I got this!’. Sucker thy name is Elphaba.
• Day 2. DVD 1 “DIG DEEEPER!!!”  Holy shizz.. are you crazy man?  5 minutes in and I’m sweating like a fool. I love that!   Okay…sooo basically, this is a set of plyometric drills…ad nauseum.  Literally b/c I think I just threw up in my mouth. Bitch, did you just yell “‘GO FASTER’? I swear fo’ goodness, Oh Gah… I’mma throw up.
• Day 3.  My knees are on fire. I’m considering layering 3 knee braces, on the right one.  But, I can’t bend my knee after I layer on the 2nd. Crap.  I do two sets of the first warm up exercise. Say ‘Fugg this!’ and throw on an old Tae Bo tape,  that’s right, VHS, BITCHES!  I am instantly soothed by Billy’s sharecroppery vernacular.  I feel safe, like I’m down in the Martial Arts Bayou.
• Day 4. I wake, hearing Billy Blanks echoing, in my head,  like Bruce Leroy’s sensei ‘DON’T BE NO GIVER UPPER!!! You are the Masterrrr’ , I sigh and turn the Insanity DVD back on.  This time I notice the 10 minutes of warning.  IF YOU HAVE BACK OR KNEE PROBLEMS TURN THIS SHIT OFF AND ORDER SOMETHING ELSE, YOU GIMP.Pushing my previous herniated disc and subsequent months of physical therapy, to the back of my medula…behind the ‘vanity’ section.  I FF through that mumbo-jumbo, and get to the warm up.  I AM A MACHINE. I keep up. Not totally, but I actually get through the entire DVD. I am woman hear me ROARRRR! I hit the showers, snapping a towel at my own ass. You go, Tiger!  I get dressed and go to work.  Oh I didn’t mention that this self-torture is occurring at 4:45 am?  I get to the metro and take a little commuter nap-er-roo. You know the kind where you are in a deep sleep but somehow manage to get up just in time for your stop?  I wake up at my stop and get ready to fight my way to the door. I’m stuck to my seat. My back has locked in the sitting position and I can’t move. JIGGA WHAT!? I consider just riding on the metro back and forth all day, but this crowd just gets ugly after 9:30 a.m. I grab on to the handicapable, handrail and drag myself up to a 72 degree angle, and gimp it off the train. holy shit. Is this how THIS happens?   I spend the majority of the work day taking business calls from the floor of my half office (for some reason we all only have 2 actual walls…)  If there were straight men at my job, I would be concerned about all the upskirt pics they could snap. Luckily, instead I get snacks and drugs brought to me. I love my gheys!
• Days 5 and 6, I spend on my living room floor alternating heat and icepacks and snoring. What else can you do on your back…(no seriously, not even an option).
• Day 10- I can no longer take watching indie movies on Netflix “Watch Now”…I hate daytime TV.  So I drag my ass back to the office. I can’t take my prescribed meds because they make me fallout sleepy. I spend the day standing.  In meetings, at my desk, in my boss’ office.  Standing…like a butler.  Like a hunch back butler…like a hunch back Transylvanian butler!:
• 

Dreading another depressing MRI, and boring ass repetitive physical therapy. I do some research and find an alternative pain therapy and sports injury center.  And I think them mofos worked the root on me!  Massage and acupuncture, I love you. Not only am I in significantly less pain than when I walked in,but my surly–curse a dude out (yea around day 5  I unleashed the Kracken on some schmuck) ‘tude is gone.  And I’m clear headed and focused, for the first time in a long time. LIFE IS GOOD!

If you find yourself all Insanity Jacked up and are in the DMV,  and want some info on them feel free to email me @ sexygreenthang69@gmail.com .  I’m not giving out their name all willy nilly so I can’t get an appointment!

A month later, I’ve even started running (albeit slowly) again, and doing some kickboxing. But, I’m scared of Insanity.  I think it’s in cahoots with the makers of the medic alert bracelet. For reals.

So yea… in conclusion… bite me Shaun T…pretty muthaflucka…I never liked you anyway!