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Ask A Dude© : The 10 Year Courtship


From the mind of Elphaba Of The Brew | Posted in Ask A Dude, Ask A Dude The Round Table | Posted on 02-14-2011

Hey Dudes!

 So how long is Too Long for a woman to wait for a guy to propose?

(She’s gonna be so pissed at the charm bracelet inside there)

  I have a friend who has been with her boyfriend for 10 years, for example, and she wants to get married.  He has had a decade to save for a ring, so call me crazy…I just don’t think it’s going to happen.  (She would probably call me a “hater” *blink*) This normally wouldn’t be my business, but for the last 5 years she is convinced that every birthday, Christmas, New Year, Chinese New Year and Flag Day will be THE DAY. It’s getting sad. Really really sad, mostly she’s getting annoying…REALLY annoying.

As a guy do you think that once you hit a double digit in years in a relationship you can pretty much say: “Why bother?”  At let’s say the 4+ year mark, can you pretty much say you’re just riding the relationship along, waiting for her to realize you’re just not that into her?  Or perhaps you just really like to take your time and not be rushed.   And what about hints and ultimatums. What do you do with those if you have zero intention of caving in and proposing?

(The thing is, they’ve been dating since Undergrad)


(It’s the) DIRTY MONEY:TEN FRIGGIN YEARS?!?!? Homie is NOT marrying her.  Period.  She should just come to terms with that and ride this thing here on out. A guy usually will know after about the third year. And at that point, he should at least be shopping for a ring. A hint/conversation should happen three times. If he can’t take the hint or converse with you about it for an equivalent of three times (the first time is usually, “I don’t know…”. The second is usually, “Yes, I love you but…”. The third time SHOULD be,”Yes, I give up.”. Lol, then it’s time to pack your vag and go.

But the lack of conversation about it will tell you where it’s going and if he has any intention at all of being your prisoner, – oops, I mean, husband.



REV REAL:  I think it really depends on the woman and what she is willing to endure. I dated my wife for 7 years before we got married, but I don’t think we would have made it to 8…I also think its fair for the woman to determine for herself what “too long” is. For example, I was dating an older chick who was ready to get married when marriage wasn’t on my radar. So, she walked away (or I let her walk away depending on whose vantage point you are considering).




Phlip!:  (check out his blog!) There is no ‘too long’ for something like this. The ONLY time coordinate up to question on such a thing is the intangible “when the hell ever [proposer] is ready” and not a second before. Some people – as in both partners – are (or claim to be) perfectly fine with the 10+ year relationships without having shared last names, lord knows I have seen it time and again.
Speaking for myself here, I can’t imagine riding ANY relationship that long with someone I was “just not that into,” eventually my allergy to wasting my time would kick in and bad things might happen.

For others, if elapsed time happens to become 5, 10 or more years, some solace should be taken in that right there is where they want to be whether or not a marriage ever takes place. Hell, most MARRIAGES don’t last THAT long, let alone an actual committed relationship. It is a bit pretentious to assume that EVERYONE is automatically supposed to be married, or even want to be.

Hints and ultimatums, though, are deal-breakers. Anything that suggests that our schedules for such things are anything less than in sync or understood would lead me to believe that I am being assigned someone else’s peace of mind. If there were ZERO intentions, the hints and ultimatums are time to make for the door, but if there was a chance, then a good long sitdown is to take place to discuss the direction and necessary time frame of things is in order.


The Zombie of Mr. Crab: The old saying is time waits for no one, unless you’re the Rip Van Winkle of relationships. 10 years is a long ass amount of time. Michael Jackson went from a child, to a man, to a light skinned man with less meat on his nose, to an even lighter man with even less meat on his nose, to eventually the ugly twin sister of Jackie O.

I don’t know what this guy’s lack of follow through stems from.  But if he does what the only guy I’ve known in this situation has done, he will:  continue to cheat on his girl, cave into pressure from her family and his to marry her, fly her to an exotic locale  to get engaged, buy a house and move her in, then accuse her of infidelity, and less than a month later, move his 6-month pregnant mistress into the house and kick her out.   In other words: Bitch, run for the damn hills!!!!!


(Today’s  avatars are brought to you by the many James Browns- RIP!)

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