Carlos Irwin Estevez is on a one man mission to topple his career and -quite frankly- I’m tuning into this train wreck like it’s appointment television. It’s better than anything Andy Cohen has ever put on Bravo. In case you missed the gems coming from Charlie Sheen’s mouth in the series of radio and TV interviews he’s given during the last week, here’s a rundown of some his greatest hits.

“I am on a drug. It’s called Charlie Sheen. It… it’s not available, because if you try it once, you will die. Your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body.”
-Today Show

“I probably took more [drugs] than anyone could survive. I was banging seven-gram rocks, because that’s how I roll. I have one speed, I have one gear: Go.”
-ABC News

Reporter: Are you worried you’re going to relapse?
“No. Not going to, period the end. I blinked and I cured my brain. Can’t is the cancer of happen.”
-ABC News

“AA was written for normal people. People that don’t have tiger blood and Adonis DNA.”
-Today Show

“If you borrowed my brain for five seconds, you’d be like, ‘Dude! Can’t handle it, unplug this bastard!’” It fires in a way that’s maybe not from, uh… this terrestrial realm.”
-ABC News

“I’m different. I have a different brain, I have a different heart… I got tiger blood, man.”
-ABC News

“I am battle-tested bayonets, bro.”
-The Alex Jones Show

Reporter: Some are saying that you’re bipolar.
“Wow. What does that mean? I’m bi-WINNING.”
-ABC News

“You have the right to kill me, but you do not have the right to judge me. Boom. That’s the whole movie. That’s life.”
-The Alex Jones Show

“I’m sorry, man, I’ve got magic. And I’ve got poetry in my fingertips. Most of the time — and this includes naps — I’m an F-18, bro. And I will destroy you in the air.”
-The Alex Jones Show

“The run I was on made Sinatra, Jagger, Richards, look like droopy-eyed, armless children. I expose people to magic. I expose them to something they’re never going to see in their otherwise boring lives. And I gave that to them. I may forget about them tomorrow, but they’ll live with that memory for the rest of their lives, and that’s a gift, man.”
-ABC News

“I dare anyone to debate me on things.”
-The Alex Jones Show

“They lay down with their ugly wives in front of their ugly children and just look at their loser lives, and then they look at me and they say, ‘I can’t process it.’ Well, no, and you never will, stop trying. Just sit back and enjoy the show.”
-The Alex Jones Show

“Oh wait, can’t process it. Losers. Winning. Buh bye.”
-The Alex Jones Show

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