Hey Dudes!

 So how long is Too Long for a woman to wait for a guy to propose?

(She’s gonna be so pissed at the charm bracelet inside there)

  I have a friend who has been with her boyfriend for 10 years, for example, and she wants to get married.  He has had a decade to save for a ring, so call me crazy…I just don’t think it’s going to happen.  (She would probably call me a “hater” *blink*) This normally wouldn’t be my business, but for the last 5 years she is convinced that every birthday, Christmas, New Year, Chinese New Year and Flag Day will be THE DAY. It’s getting sad. Really really sad, mostly she’s getting annoying…REALLY annoying.

As a guy do you think that once you hit a double digit in years in a relationship you can pretty much say: ”Why bother?”  At let’s say the 4+ year mark, can you pretty much say you’re just riding the relationship along, waiting for her to realize you’re just not that into her?  Or perhaps you just really like to take your time and not be rushed.   And what about hints and ultimatums. What do you do with those if you have zero intention of caving in and proposing?

(The thing is, they’ve been dating since Undergrad)

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(It’s the) DIRTY MONEY:TEN FRIGGIN YEARS?!?!? Homie is NOT marrying her.  Period.  She should just come to terms with that and ride this thing here on out. A guy usually will know after about the third year. And at that point, he should at least be shopping for a ring. A hint/conversation should happen three times. If he can’t take the hint or converse with you about it for an equivalent of three times (the first time is usually, “I don’t know…”. The second is usually, “Yes, I love you but…”. The third time SHOULD be,”Yes, I give up.”. Lol, then it’s time to pack your vag and go.

But the lack of conversation about it will tell you where it’s going and if he has any intention at all of being your prisoner, – oops, I mean, husband.

REV REAL:  I think it really depends on the woman and what she is willing to endure. I dated my wife for 7 years before we got married, but I don’t think we would have made it to 8…I also think its fair for the woman to determine for herself what “too long” is. For example, I was dating an older chick who was ready to get married when marriage wasn’t on my radar. So, she walked away (or I let her walk away depending on whose vantage point you are considering).

Phlip!:  (check out his blog!) There is no ‘too long’ for something like this. The ONLY time coordinate up to question on such a thing is the intangible “when the hell ever [proposer] is ready” and not a second before. Some people – as in both partners – are (or claim to be) perfectly fine with the 10+ year relationships without having shared last names, lord knows I have seen it time and again.
Speaking for myself here, I can’t imagine riding ANY relationship that long with someone I was “just not that into,” eventually my allergy to wasting my time would kick in and bad things might happen.

For others, if elapsed time happens to become 5, 10 or more years, some solace should be taken in that right there is where they want to be whether or not a marriage ever takes place. Hell, most MARRIAGES don’t last THAT long, let alone an actual committed relationship. It is a bit pretentious to assume that EVERYONE is automatically supposed to be married, or even want to be.

Hints and ultimatums, though, are deal-breakers. Anything that suggests that our schedules for such things are anything less than in sync or understood would lead me to believe that I am being assigned someone else’s peace of mind. If there were ZERO intentions, the hints and ultimatums are time to make for the door, but if there was a chance, then a good long sitdown is to take place to discuss the direction and necessary time frame of things is in order.

The Zombie of Mr. Crab: The old saying is time waits for no one, unless you’re the Rip Van Winkle of relationships. 10 years is a long ass amount of time. Michael Jackson went from a child, to a man, to a light skinned man with less meat on his nose, to an even lighter man with even less meat on his nose, to eventually the ugly twin sister of Jackie O.

I don’t know what this guy’s lack of follow through stems from.  But if he does what the only guy I’ve known in this situation has done, he will:  continue to cheat on his girl, cave into pressure from her family and his to marry her, fly her to an exotic locale  to get engaged, buy a house and move her in, then accuse her of infidelity, and less than a month later, move his 6-month pregnant mistress into the house and kick her out.   In other words: Bitch, run for the damn hills!!!!!

(Today’s  avatars are brought to you by the many James Browns- RIP!)

 As the Brew has said time and again, Esperanza Spalding is an amazing gifted performer. She even has a bitchin’ head of hair. But don’t tell that to Justin Beiber fans. Pissed that she won last night’s Grammy Award for Best New Artist, Beeb’s dweebs decided it was WikiWar.

There’s a new strain of Beiber Fever, that apparently affects stans ability to accept defeat for an award they themselves were not up for! Beiber fever apparently makes you racist and stupid and makes you replace words with an “I” with a “Y”!  Go figure.

Beware the wrath of a Justin Bieber fan scorned. After the 16-year-old phenom — and, for that matter, Drake, Florence and the Machine and Mumford & Sons — lost the Best New Artist award to Esperanza Spaldingat the Grammys on Sunday, the little-known jazz singer found herself a target of the Beliebers.

Spalding’s Wikipedia page was attacked following her Grammy win, as random facts, misstatements and taunts were added to the site and then quickly removed. After a sentence noting her victory, for example, a user added the statement, “Justin Bieber deserved it go die in a hole. Who the heck are you anyway?”

                                               In other places, the singer’s middle name was changed to both “Justin” and “Quesadilla” and her Grammy win was written up with the addendum,          “Even though no one has ever heard of her! Yay!” At the end of her biography, one user wrote, “Biber 4 Lyfe.” Source: MTV

As for Beebs himself;  he seems to be fine, knowing that he is swimming in all the trim a 16 year old fella could ever want, must be a nice consolation prize! And why were his fans even allowed to be up so late?! Raise your friggen kids, yo!

They just don’t make men like they used to. There, I said it! But before I get accused of man-bashing, let me make the following disclaimer: I have met some great guys in my life, but there is a big difference in how they roll compared to the generations before them. Okay you say, that’s a given, these are different times. My response is the times are different but our core needs haven’t changed. Men say they’re so simple… in between sips of lattes and taps on their blackberries, but some are just as high-maintanance as they claim we can be. So where are the sturdy fellas? And by sturdy I don’t necessarily mean in stature, I mean in a more reliable, simplistic way.

So as we limp down that bumpy road toward Valentine’s Day, I’m going to spit some hot Dylan fire on the types of men that I have met and some I’ve wished that I hadn’t. First up…

The Magical Traveling Ninja:

This dude is all about adventure. He’s done Carnival (The real joint in Brazil, he’ll remind you) He’s scaled Mt. Everest (twice), and he’s eaten sushi with the sharks. On Facebook, he graces the common-folk with Nietzsche quotes attached to the obligatory picture of his sandy feet on various beaches.

He has a life-size map in his study with pins on every spots he’s visited. He shakes his head often, corrects your pronounciation of the Lourve and always begins every sentence with, “Well in (insert country here) they do it differently.” He’s usually very educated or well-read and mad restless because of the lack of real gelato and grappa in these here parts. This dude also goes “international” with other women from time to time to satisfy his constant craving for “something new”. Doesn’t matter that the “something new” is the maid in his Brazilian hotel room. When you threaten to rip up your college degree, put on maid gear and grab a mop he sums it up, “well she’s just different than American women and more appreciative”. Um, yes I would be appreciative too if your could provide me a green card out of this third-world hell hole.

My advice ladies? Stay away from The MTN. He’ll NEVER be satisfied with the norm.

Stayed tuned for my next episode. Witch, out!

Self esteem is a POWERFUL tool.  A healthy self esteem not only effects every relationship you have with others but the one with yourself.  If you love yourself, truly love yourself there are NO outside forces that can make you feel less than a masterpiece.  Unfortunately, some people are weak. Weak enough to make an appointment with a non medical professional in a non-medical setting to have some  non-medical grade silicone, injected in their hind-parts.  Low self-esteem and bargain hunting are a toxic mix.

A New Jersey woman who once received buttock-enhancing injections was the go-between who arranged the same procedure for Claudia Seye Aderotimi, an aspiring British actress. Police are now hunting for a second woman who they say handled the needles.

Aderotimi, 20, died Monday, two days after she had been injected in a hotel room near Philadelphia International Airport. It was her second trip here to receive the shots, billed as a way to change a person’s physique without surgery.

On a British website for aspiring performers, Aderotimi called herself Carmella James, adding, “but Superstar is my middle name.” She said she had been a back-up dancer for two musical performers and appeared in a short-lived television comedy.

Aderotimi got far more publicity in death than she had in life. British newspapers have published stories about her life and death and have sent reporters to Philadelphia.

Investigators spent part of Wednesday interviewing the Saddle River, N.J., woman who they said set up the Saturday appointment through e-mails and telephone calls, and was in the hotel room while the injections were administered. She has not been charged.

A search warrant was executed on her New Jersey home Tuesday night, Philadelphia Police Lt. Ray Evers said. Various “electronic items” were removed, police said Wednesday.

The second woman, who police say they believe performed the procedure, lives in the Philadelphia area. Evers would not say whether the two women previously worked together, but he said other clients might come forward. Aderotimi’s earlier treatment was in November, Evers said.

source

 Sometimes a quick fix, will fix you for good!  I wouldn’t even want my ass to look like this face.

(liquid silicone gone wrong)

Like many kids, 9 year old Ty’Ge Davis has a cell phone as his “security blanket,” so his family will know he’s okay before and after school. Well, his security blanket was just violated by a sexytime text message that would make Chris Hansen salivate. A man sent a photo text message of a couple getting real oral on a couch. When Ty’Ge texted the number back to let the person know he’s only 9 FRIGGIN YEARS OLD the perv gave him one helluva response.

Let’s go to the video…

UPDATE: Turns out US Weekly, us and probably a bunch of other sites were duped on this Palin story by a parody website called ‘SuperTuesdayNews.’ The sad thing is, the quotes were totally believable! Very crafty work people, verrrrry crafty. Hats off to you and your dupey ways…

Former vice presidential candidate and all-around WTF? face inducer Sarah Palin says she’d deport Christina Aguilera for botching the The Star-Spangled Banner at the Super Bowl Sunday night. Here’s what Palin had to say during an appearance on Sean Hannity’s radio program on Monday.

“Quite frankly, Sean, public figures must be held accountable for what they say. Here’s another case of an airhead diva going on TV, running her mouth off, sounding like a fool. She doesn’t understand something so basic about America, yet we’re supposed to tolerate her diva behavior? Americans can see through that, Sean. Unemployment is at nine percent, yet we have to suffer through a performance by a foreigner with a poor grasp of the English language? If I were president, I’d deport Ms. Aguilera back to wherever it is she’s from and give Amy Smart a call. I’m sure Ms. Aguilera is a very nice person, but I just think the American people deserve better than a demanding beauty queen who’s clearly in over her head.”

Side note: Aguilera was born in NY and raised in PA.

So lemme get this straight… SARAH… the woman who makes up words, can’t name a newspaper or magazine she reads and thinks she can see a few Russians at the local 7-Eleven is pulling Christina’s card for being an “airhead” and flubbing a couple of words in front of the biggest crowd ever? Really, Sarah? Really?

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Steamed shrimp? sure! steamed broccoli? absolutely! Steam a shirt? yup! Steam room at the gym? damn skrait! (and butt azz nekkid preferably). But who knew there would come the day when I would be intrigued by possibly having my vagicookie steamed. You can have your love dungeon steamed at Body Odd  Spa in NY,  the treatment is said to reduce stress and even help you get preggers. I’m not interested in either, I’m just obsessed with doing things to my vagicat, add this to the list!

 According to a story in the Los Angeles Times, chai-yok (not to be confused with bok-choy, also good steamed) is a “centuries-old Korean remedy that is gaining a toehold in the West,” thanks to its many purported health benefits.

Those benefits – none of which have been studied – are said to include everything from reducing stress to fighting infections to helping with infertility. Not surprisingly, vaginal steams are also supposed to help with hemorrhoids.

Treatments cost anywhere from $20 to $75 (depending on your location) and basically involve perching naked on a bottomless stool over a boiling pot of water infused with mugwort, wormwood and a variety of other herbs.

While some women swear by the “V-steam,” (a 45-year-old woman interviewed by the LA Times says she not only had fewer body aches and more energy, she also became pregnant after just five steams), doctors seem dubious.

That day is coming, the day that the single and bitter (me) dread every year, especially when you work in an office building fulla delusional broads who put all their hopes, dreams, and 401K on what they will get for Valendoom’s day. We walk around, pinching our nipples in sweet anticipation of what we’ll get and from whom. I think it’s a dreaded day on both sides, men have a huge amount of pressure placed on them to ‘come correct’ cause coming other than correct can change the entire course of the relationship. I think it’s absolutely asinine to place so much significance on this day and while I’m sure I’m not alone in that sentiment, the frenzy and angst surrounding this day is not going away anytime soon. As such, I have identified 10 “Valentine Types”. You may know all of these women or just a few, you may even be one of these women…….

  1. The Bad Bad Dresser

You know this one well, she’s the lady who wears elastic band pants and Christmas sweaters(all year round). “My husband always sends me a bunch of roses on Valentine’s Day” .Hey there chubby middle aged lady, that’s great! your husband had a funeral home fulla red roses delivered to your cubicle….. WHOOOOO HOOOOO, EFFIN AWESOME, now go jog thickums!!!!

2. The “SURPRISE!!” Bish

“Omigod, my hubby won’t tell me what he has planned, it’s all a surprise”…… Can’t wait to hear about it, hope it’s that he’s doing your brother…..

3. The Food Whore

“He made reservations at my favorite restaurant”.……… Do you really want me to believe that you only frequent this fav restaurant on Valentine’s day?? Lady c’mon!

 4. The Stone Cold Liar

“I could care less about Valentine’s Day”.………. this one is famous amongst the ugly. Of course she doesn’t care about Valentine’s day. Her Valentine has always been her grandpa and now that he’s dead no one else in her family wants to pick up grand daddy’s secret admirer slack. Ain’t nothin like a grandpa’s love, he believed that love was thicker than ugly

5. The V-day Snob

” I just don’t understand women, who wants a man who’s only nice to them on Valentine’s day?”….. Uh me bish! that’s who! Gimme gifts and lobster, and then don’t call me for the rest of the year, I’m totally ok with that……

6. The Valentine Militant

“I am a queen, mother of the earth, I do not bow to the marketing tactics of the oppressors who seek to engulf my people in a whirlwind of economic despair with their attempts to poison our minds with images of a nekkid little white boy in a diaper, I AM A NUBIAN QUEEN!!!!!”…… Uh geesh ‘sista’, get the afro pick and sulfur 8 outta ya ass for a hot sec, what’s wrong with a small bouquet, a nice meal and maybe some light humping afterward??? It’s not that serious Nefertiti, damn!

7. The Valentine Vegan

“I wish a ninja would buy me some muthajumpin chocolate! I do not eat animal flesh, I do not put junk inside my  body!” Girl bye! so you ain’t never had no bad peen in you??? Peen that makes you wanna call your mom who just became an ordained minister and say “Ma! you would not believe the bad peen I just had in me!” SATDOWN! the only people interested in your hogwash is PETA………

 

8. The Valentine Virgin

“My man ain’t gettin no poontang until Valentine’s day, not til I see what he gets me”…… Well aren’t you a remarkable lil whore???? holding on to that trifling ass vagicat til you see what kinda trinkets you get??? Why don’t you just give it up and leave the man a tab??? SMH……

9. The Bragger

“Ugh, I wish he didn’t go all out like this, a helicopter ride, dinner with Diddy Dirty Money, a horse and carriage ride through Compton, and to top it off my favorite brand of weave hair!”…….. *yawn*, besides the weave nothing about your Valentine’s day is making my nature rise…… NEXT!

 10. The Super Nice Broad You Like But Want to Hate

” I don’t know what I did to deserve such a great guy, he’s so thoughtful, he planned this awesome day of activities and we did all the things he knows I love doing, I mean he didn’t miss a beat”…… Oh STFU! All I wanna say is “it won’t last”, “enjoy it now boo”, “oh he must be cheating on you”…. You know, all that common hater ish but as surprising as it is some women truly have great dudes (and I do believe there are plenty out there, seriously)

In the end, we shouldn’t get sucked up in this day, sure we are women and gifts and trinkets often make us feel special but if your special someone doesn’t do Valentine’s day in the way you wish he would don’t let that ding the progression of your friendship/relationship. It’s one day out of 365, how does he treat you on the other days? that’s what really counts. With that being said, HAPPY LOVE DAY! Pray that I get that exclusive cut of rib eye I been hinting around……… cause I clair fo Gawd if I don’t….. HEADS WILL ROLL IN THIS MUG!!!!

The  sad downward spiral that keeps getting sadder.

Lindsay is accused of stealing a $2,500 necklace (pictured above) from a Venice, CA jewelry store on January 22.  Surveillance video from the store shows Lindsay with the necklace in question and there are photos of her wearing what appears to be the same necklace a week later.

If convicted …  Lindsay faces a maximum of three years in state prison.

Sources connected with Lindsay tell TMZ … Lindsay says she’ll fight the charge and she’s sticking with her story that she took the jewelry on loan.

The case could also have a dramatic impact on her ongoing DUI case in Beverly Hills since she is currently on probation.

(source: TMZ, up in errybody’s bidness)

Um, call me crazy…but when people LOAN you stuff don’t they generally have knowledge that you will be taking it with you when you leave?  Furthermore, that is the ugliest and cheapest looking $2,500 necklace I’ve ever seen. IF she really stole that crap, this is a serious cry for help…especially for her fashion sense. Yikes.

You ever go out on a couple of dates with someone that you’re sorta feeling, then for some unexplained reason you both never bother to call or text again? Days go by and that person who initially made you swoon dissolves into oblivion. You might even bump into him or her months later and just throw out a nod or smile and act like you never knew them; no conversation necessary, as Jilly from Philly likes to sing. From then on you only think about that person during an occasional scroll through your phone book but you always wonder what happened. Well Brewchies, I have developed a term for this phenomenon. It’s called “The Black Breakup”. Now, before you get your panties in a pinch, I’m not referring to race with this term, just the selfish manner in which they are conducted. B.B.’s are stealth, covert and quick. They’re a parting of ways without announcing said parting of ways. And it doesn’t just happen with potential love interests. Your longtime hair stylist can jack up your ‘do, or a friend can unknowingly take a joke a little too far and once that happens, it’s B.B. time! B.B.’s can be cyber too. Like, when someone says sayonara on Facebook and you only discover it weeks or months later when you try to peep his or her awkward family photos. We even have saying for it: “keeping it moving”. Problem with this way of thinking is that it never allows for any accountability on either side. I’m sure a jilted lover would appreciate some feedback on their crazy. A service provider could probably use some constructive criticism so they can build their brand. Or, a friend can be given a second chance after a stern dose of “act right”. In this day and age though, options are abundant, which means we never have to offer any feedback, solutions or for some closure. We just KEEP. IT. MOVING. So the next time you get ready to B.B. someone, think about whether that person deserves one more chance, in other words, B.B. responsibly!

Ever since Janet Jackson’s black-eyed-susans were put on display for the world to see back in 2004, Super Bowl organizers have basically banned women from performing during the halftime show…proving America’s fear of a black nipple. Anyway, tomorrow, Fergie and her Black Eyed Peas people will put some femininity in the game, so to speak. The Super Bowl higher ups have already told her there will be no nipple this year. Ferg says:

“It is a challenge because you want to give a little sex appeal but you don’t want to get into any trouble. So we’re very particular on the wardrobe. There will be no more malfunctions.”

I actually thought the hint o’teetay was a nice touch. Go figure.

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As if you needed more “unscripted” TV to junk up your DVR, Hoopz –Flavor Flav’s old piece turned Shaq’s new nugget– is working on a reality show of her own. She tells the Boston Globe that the new project will detail her life in the suburbs (with Shaq, I presume) and her “foray into the athletic-training business.” Hoopz (real name: Nikki Alexander) wants to become some sort of Billy Blanks meets Guardian Angel health master, promoting good health and self defense for the ladies. Word is she’s already got a production team and is working on episodes. Sorry, my eyes glazed over typing this (this show’s gonna need a lot of Shaq to keep me interested).

So, will you watch?

Somewhere, Deelishis is sitting on her rear cushions, real mad.

Image via Essdras M Suarez/Globe Staff
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