Posted by Piper from the Brew | Posted in brew commentary | Posted on 25-04-2011
For the most part I’m a pretty go with the flow kinda gal, you’re a little bit country, I’m a little bit calypso…. no problem mon! Everyting irie! But there are certain things that just make my teets sore, turn my frown upside down and just generally make me wanna pull a roach’s pupils out…
1. Bishes staring in my scalp trying to ascertain the realness or fakeness of my hair. Is you serious??? I can just see the “is that your hair?” question hanging off their lips and for the most part my illmatic glare usually stops them but every now and then I run across somone who’s eaten their “Weave Wheaties” and thinks they can just come out the mouth piece all crazy. Honey you are not my homegirl, fall back, I don’t care how cool you’ve decided I am.
2. Grown ass men with nicknames. Um ok listen Arnold, least I remind you that we grew up together….. ARNOLD….. you now wanna be called Twerkin Tombstone Tom???? Fa real??? GROW UP!!! ARNOLD! (and now you know why I won’t sleep with you, I simply can’t get randy for a 40 year old man with a nickname)
3. People who throw hygiene to the wind just cause they’re going to the gym. ” I mean Imma be sweatin anyway, so I’ll just wash when I get back” Oh really? But if you already smell like a doo doo half smoke with sauerkraut and french’s mustard, how is that okay?? Like in what country is it okay to do this to other innocent people???? I mean nobody smells “sex ready” in the gym but you can’t walk through the door smelling like you just left the medical examiner’s office post autopsy on your 3 month old dead body, not cool!
4. When ninjas call/text you after midnight and pretend “oh I was just thinking about you” Yeah you were thinkong about me alright, me and my sensual snacks of the vagicat variety, just beat it! If you want sex, call/text at a respectable hour sir! (with a steak on the grill) Once I’m in the bed, I’m not getting out…
5. Speaking of working out….. Helpful, encouraging mofos who wanna slap you a high 5 and 2 billion thumbs up as you jog pass them as if to say “awwww look at the lil slow, chubbin gettin her sweat on, that is just too precious!” I DO NOT LIKE THAT! Take those thumbs and shove em in a monkey’s vulva!
6. Breath….. really really really REALLY REALLY bad breath. There are simply too many tools and concoctions to alleviate this situation, it’s always the stankest breath ninjas that wanna swallow my face whole, “Sir can I offer you a Pine Sol martini???”
7. We simply cannot talk breath without talking teeth, speciafically the color. Now listen, it’s unrealistic for me to expect anyone to have teeth that can rival mine, ok I understand this but can we work on the color a lil bit??? Again, too many tools out here that can turn a canary tooth to at least beige, you gotta luv you before anyone else will! (Now I know some of these products can be pricey, so get the eye of the tiger, steal them! that’s what I do….. focus!)
8. Breaking down the 10,687 reasons why you think the child support you have to pay is unfair. Um sir did you not put yo thang in her thang??? Did you not learn what sex is for??? IT’S FOR BABIES JERK OFF!! So yeeeaaaaa, it just might be the case that every time you put your thang in someone, a human life might materilaize, yes and that life may need some clothes and a snack or two….. fook outta here sir!
9. People who try to make you feel like a loser beause you watch tv… “oh girl you know I don’t know nothing about what you taumbout, I’m waaaaay too busy to watch tv”. Oh word??? Did this bish just come for me?? So I have nothing of value going on cause I watch picture shows at home??? I mean just how much masturbating can one woman do??? I can’t watch tv in between???
10. Mofos who cut your throat but diguise it as a compliment ” man I envy you, you carry your weight well” or “you mad sexy with alla dat dere it, you keep it nice”….. *blank stare*, so what I just heard was “man I’m amazed how my peen gets rock for you in spite of the fact that you are tippin the scales”. How exactly does one keep their blubber nice?? is it by massaging it with honey butter every night? Some things should just be thought and never spoken. Good grief!
These are just a sampling of the things that aggravate my anus area, but with me they change by the hour. I just simply remind myself that anus itchy people and situations are a part of life, so I slap some ointment on it and keep pressin on! you should do the same………