For the most part I’m a pretty go with the flow kinda gal, you’re a little bit country, I’m a little bit calypso…. no problem mon! Everyting irie! But there are certain things that just make my teets sore, turn my frown upside down and just generally make me wanna pull a roach’s pupils out…

1. Bishes staring in my scalp trying to ascertain the realness or fakeness of my hair. Is you serious??? I can just see the “is that your hair?” question hanging off their lips and for the most part my illmatic glare usually stops them but every now and then I run across somone who’s eaten their “Weave Wheaties” and thinks they can just come out the mouth piece all crazy. Honey you are not my homegirl, fall back, I don’t care how cool you’ve decided I am.

2. Grown ass men with nicknames. Um ok listen Arnold, least I remind you that we grew up together….. ARNOLD….. you now wanna be called Twerkin Tombstone Tom???? Fa real??? GROW UP!!! ARNOLD! (and now you know why I won’t sleep with you, I simply can’t get randy for a 40 year old man with a nickname)

3. People who throw hygiene to the wind just cause they’re going to the gym. ” I mean Imma be sweatin anyway, so I’ll just wash when I get back” Oh really? But if you already smell like a doo doo half smoke with sauerkraut and french’s mustard, how is that okay?? Like in what country is it okay to do this to other innocent people???? I mean nobody smells “sex ready” in the gym but you can’t walk through the door smelling like you just left the medical examiner’s office post autopsy on your 3 month old dead body, not cool!

4. When ninjas call/text you after midnight and pretend “oh I was just thinking about you” Yeah you were thinkong about me alright, me and my sensual snacks of the vagicat variety, just beat it! If you want sex, call/text at a respectable hour sir! (with a steak on the grill) Once I’m in the bed, I’m not getting out…

5. Speaking of working out….. Helpful, encouraging mofos who wanna slap you a high 5 and 2 billion thumbs up as you jog pass them as if to say “awwww look at the lil slow, chubbin gettin her sweat on, that is just too precious!” I DO NOT LIKE THAT! Take those thumbs and shove em in a monkey’s vulva!

6. Breath….. really really really REALLY REALLY bad breath. There are simply too many tools and concoctions to alleviate this situation, it’s always the stankest breath ninjas that wanna swallow my face whole, “Sir can I offer you a Pine Sol martini???”

7. We simply cannot talk breath without talking teeth, speciafically the color. Now listen, it’s unrealistic for me to expect anyone to have teeth that can rival mine, ok I understand this but can we work on the color a lil bit??? Again, too many tools out here that can turn a canary tooth to at least beige, you gotta luv you before anyone else will! (Now I know some of these products can be pricey, so get the eye of the tiger, steal them! that’s what I do….. focus!)

8. Breaking down the 10,687 reasons why you think the child support you have to pay is unfair. Um sir did you not put yo thang in her thang??? Did you not learn what sex is for??? IT’S FOR BABIES JERK OFF!! So yeeeaaaaa, it just might be the case that every time you put your thang in someone, a human life might materilaize, yes and that life may need some clothes and a snack or two….. fook outta here sir!

9. People who try to make you feel like a loser beause you watch tv… “oh girl you know I don’t know nothing about what you taumbout, I’m waaaaay too busy to watch tv”. Oh word??? Did this bish just come for me?? So I have nothing of value going on cause I watch picture shows at home??? I mean just how much masturbating can one woman do??? I can’t watch tv in between??? 

10. Mofos who cut your throat but diguise it as a compliment ” man I envy you, you carry your weight well” or “you mad sexy with alla dat dere it, you keep it nice”….. *blank stare*, so what I just heard was “man I’m amazed how my peen gets rock for you in spite of the fact that you are tippin the scales”. How exactly does one keep their blubber nice?? is it by massaging it with honey butter every night? Some things should just be thought and never spoken. Good grief!

These are just a sampling of the things that aggravate my anus area, but with me they change by the hour. I just simply remind myself that anus itchy people and situations are a part of life, so I slap some ointment on it and keep pressin on! you should do the same……… 

Where has the time gone? It seems just yesterday four, witty friends were sitting in a cafe creating the concept for a new blog because we knew we could do it better. Thousands of posts later, we’ve made the big boys a little scared and we’re still having fun. So what better way to celebrate than with a happy hour and birthday celebration for Witch Hazel?!? Come and join us Wednesday, May 11, 5 – 9pm at Bar 7, 1015 1/2 7th Street NW, Washington D.C. For our fans out of the area, raise a glass in spirit of The Witches! Hope to see you there.

Tyler Perry’s sixth “Madea” film opened this holiday weekend and, like the others, I’m sure he’ll make millions from it and be able to add a new shoe closet to his house. But, Perry tells Conan O’Brien that “Madea” does have a shelf life. He claims he’ll end it if people stop going to see her.

OK, SO… YOU KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!

And, in other TP news, he’s doing a spinoff TV show based on his Why Did I Get Married series called For Better Or Worse.

Image via Lionsgate
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I know. I know. You’re already thinking “another movie about black maids, the deep south and racism, yawn!” But, follow me a minute. DreamWorks is bringing Kathryn Stockett’s bestselling novel “The Help” to life this summer. “The Help” is based on a group of women –both black and white– living in 1960s Mississippi. One of the main characters bucks the tradition of her white friends and A) takes on a real job and B) subsequently sets out on a journey to write about how black maids are treated in the deep south. And getting those details about the real struggles of black maids is where the book flourishes. I hope the movie does the same. Emma Stone is the central character with the über-talented, Oscar-nominated Viola Davis and Octavia Spencer taking on the leading maid roles. Bryce Dallas Howard is, for all intents and purposes, the “villain”… and I’ll stop there.

Taste The Brew for a clip

It obviously takes alotta donuts to keep Basement Grandpa Gregg well-fed because NeNe is cranking them out like that little Dunkin man (may his soul rest).

On top of her ongoing Real Housewives and Celebrity Apprentice duties, NeNe is co-starring in a chitlin circuit My Arms Are Too Short To Box With Jehovah And My Feet Are Too Big For Louboutins traveling play called “Loving Him is Killing Me.” Oh, but there’s more…

NeNe is teaming up with blogger Perez Hilton to host a royal wedding special, “Will & Kate Forever,” on Wedding Central. The one-hour special airs next Friday, April 29th at 7pm (ET).

Word is NeNe also has aspirations to host her own talk show now that Oprah is going off the air. Good luck with that.

Bloop bloop!

Image via PRN/PR Photos
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WHAT. IS. THE. MEANING. OF. THIS? I’ve seen many things in my #$ years of driving but this right here always confused and scared me. I immediately want to hit the accelerator, catch up with the driver and ask the following questions:

1) Are you the keeper of some sort of weird stuffed animal farm and this signals to other drivers to follow you to the furry motherland?

2) Do you ever talk to them? Like if you had a bad day or something they could serve as your sistah girls?

3) They’ve probably been held captive in those close quarters for a minute so what do they smell like exactly?

4) Are you going round up these all mofos when you get a new car or just pitch them and the car off a cliff?

5) Do you have bodies in the basement?

Witch out!

 

He is so happy he never has to hear your voice!

So, last weekend I enjoyed a Boozy Brunch with my Lady Boos at remarkably un-bourgoise TASTE SENSATION in DC.  BOTTOMLESS MIMOSAS, HOLLA!  The Androids, iPhones, Blackberries and world’s last Razr (shout out to my technology retarded homie!)  never leave the table.  At intermittent times, my boozy brawds and myself steal a moment away from the convo we’re having to thumb box with the suitor on the other side of the text bubble of our respective phones.

This brings about a never ending conversation, no not about how rude we all are. (We’ve known each other for 20 plus  years…whatevs). But, has modern technology taken the woo out of men? The theory that I posed is, ‘Eh, texting is just for bulljiving around. No one who likes you or is pursuing you would do so via thumbs!” (Then I took 2 more mimosas to the head, and requested a dixel from my TextLovah).

One of my friends completely disagreed. ”Why would a guy waste his time?”  My answer…” Well, how much time does it take to say “LOL”?  Anyways I promised to take it to the dudes.  So here we go:

True or False 

“A guy, when he is “liking on a gal”, will pick up the phone and speak to her and not text her to death?

If you are not getting calls, he does not like you.”

Dudes, you say?!

 

 I DO NOT UNDERSTAND THE CONCEPT OF THE OPTIONS YOU PRESENT  ME:

Rev Real: Depends. He may really like but her be texting  because he lives with someone and calling is inconvenient. Then you have some dudes whose written communication is better than their oral. So not calling doesn’t mean he’s not interested. Usually this just requires a tweak, i.e. The girl saying something like “I like it when you call” to get him to call more often. If he doesn’t call after that…him no likee she.

 

 

 

Simon Sez:  His minutes might not start til nine.  Or he’s at work?

 

 

 

 

Elphie:  Reviews the concept of TRUE OR FALSE.  Nope…hasn’t changed. These guys.

FALSE!:

    The Casher!:  That’s a double-edged sword, but I’ll lean on the side of false. It’s not that guys don’t want to call and talk to you. Sometimes, it’s us not knowing how to get OFF the phone wit yo ass. There were plenty of times when I started to call a woman and thought, “damn…if I call her, she’s talk so much the wax in my ear will boil over and f*ck my phone up. Lemme text her.” True, I liked her. But I know my weakness. If I talk for a few hours on one day, don’t expect me to do that every night. And some women are like that whether they want to admit it or not. Texting allows you to do other things and say what you need to say. I’ll call, but if I don’t, that doesn’t mean I’m not feeling you like that.                                                       

 

 TRUE, WITH A SIDE OF “MEH”:

  SUpreme:  My initial response would be “true”. If I’m just using myself and the guys I know and talk to/hang with, that’s a definite true – texting comes off as though you don’t REALLY want to be bothered that much. But in this new age and time, people act differently…so, playing Devil’s Advocate – let’s say he has a job that doesn’t permit him the freedom to talk when you’re free (he works the night shift, you have a 9 to 5). Maybe that’s his way of trying to keep in contact?

I DO know a guy who keeps in touch with HIS WIFE via Facebook when they’re not together due to conflicting work schedules. So I’ll say and over 30 “true”, but I can’t speak for these young’uns.

 TRUE NUFF!:

The Zombie of Mr. Crab: True. He will talk on the phone unless he’s otherwise occupied (shitter, other poon, Rikers Island/Central Booking). Unless he would rather not hear you babble (#1 reason why texting beats talking to a woman on the phone or in person). Churrrch!

 

Elphie Sez: I’m not sold yet.  If you can’t suck up listening to a lady’s  mundane convo, do you deserve the vagicat? WORK FOR IT GUYS, SHEESH! And for the fellas trying to text while their lady is sitting next to them. Part of bartering for vaginacat (I buy dinner. You give me a handie.) is that you have to listen to some boring broad babble about her boring life. I’m sorry that’s the price you pay for getting your babies gargled. It just is!  If you’re lucky enough you will run into a woman like myself, who  spends at least 5 hours out of her day talking, for a living.  She will NOT want to keep you on the phone for long. But she will appreciate that you wanted to hear her voice.  My point, fellas? Put a little effort into your vagina prospecting, and you might yield better swallowing results!  And ladies, if you want some more attention…SAY SO! AND STILL I RISE.

Today’s Avatars brought to you by, Berry Gordy’s “The Last Dragon”!

Ah yes, Easter Sunday is fast approaching, it’s the one day of the year pacifically (yes pacific) centered around pastel electric boogaloo bammas like this:

These here bammas represent the type that plan for Easter like it’s a Quinceanera,

seeking out a seamstress and having fabric imported from New Orleans (or any other bamma town they can find). Let’s face it, if you’re colored, you know these bammas, you are one of these bammas, you’re engaged to one of these bammas or you play cricket with one of these bammas. So I’m here to say, fine! ya’ll win! go forth and be the Easter bammas you are but don’t forget what the day is really about. After you come off your ugly pastel suit/ big stupid hat high remember to give thanks, not just for all that is right in your world, but for what’s wrong too. You gotta let the universe know you appreciate all your life’s experiences, even the ones that don’t feel too good.

 

HAPPY EASTER!!!!

Frugalista

-noun

1. A person who lives within her means and saves, but still looks good, eats well and lives fabulous.

© Natalie P. McNeal

Do you yearn for the day that you don’t see “U.S. Dept of Ed” on your caller I.D.? Or, when you can look forward to opening the mailbox without getting the bubble guts? Then “The Frugalista Files: How One Woman Got Out Of Debt Without Giving Up The Fabulous Life” might be for you! The book is a daily journal by former Miami Herald reporter Natalie McNeal as she attempts a spending fast to knock out $20,000 in debt.  Yeah, I’m sure many of us can relate. The book was a quick and easy read, marked by one too many “mehs”, but vocabulary ticks aside, Natalie kept me very entertained. So in keeping with the frugalista theme (which she trademarked by the way), I can’t pitch the book too hard, especially since we’re not getting any kickbacks, but she is a sistah on the come up, so I say it’s worth checking out. There’s nothing groundbreaking in this book and it’s a bit on the fluffy side. Like when she opted to stop getting her eyebrows done and found that clear mascara helps to tame wayward hairs which I’ve been doing for years. She also turned into somewhat of a drink jockey/borderline moocher when it came to going out which wouldn’t sit right with moi, but I did appreciate financial tips from someone like myself  who has caviar taste on a beer budget. Let’s challenge ourselves to be more financially independent in 2011!

Here’s my Brewgal money tip: buy it, read it, then recycle it in a cute gift bag for your bestie’s b-day.

 

Hey Boos…

Are you thinking what I’m thinking?

If so, you’ll know that it involves the 3 of us, a slip and slide….a jug of extra virgin olive oil, a  case of chocolate Hunts Snack Packs, roller blades, a blind a mute camera man (though a tripod will do), 3 blind folds, 2 sets of handcuffs (the real kind, the fuzzy are just for punks), a jar of marina sauce,  a barely ripe banana, Season One of “Who’s the Boss” on DVD, a gallon of protein shakes and a Mr. Cheeks CD.

Luckily for us all, I keep such a kit handy.  You know,  in case I ever run in to you guys.  Time’s a wastin’ let’s do this!

Love,

Elphie



Would-be presidential candidate/“birther”/complainer Donald Trump is trying to clear the air with black voters, now that he’s been spewing nonsense about President Obama’s birth certificate. His critics say the more he pushes the “birther” thing, the more he distances himself from black voters (as if he’s really on black radar anyway). Trump acknowledged that –if he runs– he doesn’t expect to get a lot of votes from the African American community… but he’s still trying to salvage a nugget of hope with the coloreds. He went on to say this during an interview with Fred Dicker of NY’s Talk 1300 radio:

“I have a great relationship with the blacks. I’ve always had a great relationship with the blacks.”

THE BLACKS? Why not just call us Negroes and be done with it?

Has The Donald’s tirade against the President made you less likely to support his other ventures, like Celebrity Apprentice? I loved watching Meatloaf’s meltdown and Dionne Warwick’s rants against the “hussies” on the show, but the more Donald talks about Big Barry O, the more I want his show to tank. What’s your call?

Image via NBC Universal/Kevin T. Gilbert
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The hotel parking valet who was on the receiving end of Gloria James’ parking lot pimpin’ slappin’ now wants 15 grand!

Rockfeller Sorel filed a lawsuit on Tuesday, accusing LeBron’s mother of assault and battery. He claims he suffered pain, humiliation, mental anguish and loss of capacity for enjoyment of life. He wants money for his “medical” costs and lost wages too.

Meanwhile, TMZ caught the surveillance video of the incident and it doesn’t look like this case is so cut and dry against Gloria. Judge for yourself…

So basically, LeBron is about to pay to make this go away.

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