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Witches' Brew | White Jesus Approved Rss

Things That Make My Anus Itch….

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Posted by Piper from the Brew | Posted in brew commentary | Posted on 25-04-2011

For the most part I’m a pretty go with the flow kinda gal, you’re a little bit country, I’m a little bit calypso…. no problem mon! Everyting irie! But there are certain things that just make my teets sore, turn my frown upside down and just generally make me wanna pull a roach’s pupils out…

1. Bishes staring in my scalp trying to ascertain the realness or fakeness of my hair. Is you serious??? I can just see the “is that your hair?” question hanging off their lips and for the most part my illmatic glare usually stops them but every now and then I run across somone who’s eaten their “Weave Wheaties” and thinks they can just come out the mouth piece all crazy. Honey you are not my homegirl, fall back, I don’t care how cool you’ve decided I am.

2. Grown ass men with nicknames. Um ok listen Arnold, least I remind you that we grew up together….. ARNOLD….. you now wanna be called Twerkin Tombstone Tom???? Fa real??? GROW UP!!! ARNOLD! (and now you know why I won’t sleep with you, I simply can’t get randy for a 40 year old man with a nickname)

3. People who throw hygiene to the wind just cause they’re going to the gym. ” I mean Imma be sweatin anyway, so I’ll just wash when I get back” Oh really? But if you already smell like a doo doo half smoke with sauerkraut and french’s mustard, how is that okay?? Like in what country is it okay to do this to other innocent people???? I mean nobody smells “sex ready” in the gym but you can’t walk through the door smelling like you just left the medical examiner’s office post autopsy on your 3 month old dead body, not cool!

4. When ninjas call/text you after midnight and pretend “oh I was just thinking about you” Yeah you were thinkong about me alright, me and my sensual snacks of the vagicat variety, just beat it! If you want sex, call/text at a respectable hour sir! (with a steak on the grill) Once I’m in the bed, I’m not getting out…

5. Speaking of working out….. Helpful, encouraging mofos who wanna slap you a high 5 and 2 billion thumbs up as you jog pass them as if to say “awwww look at the lil slow, chubbin gettin her sweat on, that is just too precious!” I DO NOT LIKE THAT! Take those thumbs and shove em in a monkey’s vulva!

6. Breath….. really really really REALLY REALLY bad breath. There are simply too many tools and concoctions to alleviate this situation, it’s always the stankest breath ninjas that wanna swallow my face whole, “Sir can I offer you a Pine Sol martini???”

7. We simply cannot talk breath without talking teeth, speciafically the color. Now listen, it’s unrealistic for me to expect anyone to have teeth that can rival mine, ok I understand this but can we work on the color a lil bit??? Again, too many tools out here that can turn a canary tooth to at least beige, you gotta luv you before anyone else will! (Now I know some of these products can be pricey, so get the eye of the tiger, steal them! that’s what I do….. focus!)

8. Breaking down the 10,687 reasons why you think the child support you have to pay is unfair. Um sir did you not put yo thang in her thang??? Did you not learn what sex is for??? IT’S FOR BABIES JERK OFF!! So yeeeaaaaa, it just might be the case that every time you put your thang in someone, a human life might materilaize, yes and that life may need some clothes and a snack or two….. fook outta here sir!

9. People who try to make you feel like a loser beause you watch tv… “oh girl you know I don’t know nothing about what you taumbout, I’m waaaaay too busy to watch tv”. Oh word??? Did this bish just come for me?? So I have nothing of value going on cause I watch picture shows at home??? I mean just how much masturbating can one woman do??? I can’t watch tv in between??? 

10. Mofos who cut your throat but diguise it as a compliment ” man I envy you, you carry your weight well” or “you mad sexy with alla dat dere it, you keep it nice”….. *blank stare*, so what I just heard was “man I’m amazed how my peen gets rock for you in spite of the fact that you are tippin the scales”. How exactly does one keep their blubber nice?? is it by massaging it with honey butter every night? Some things should just be thought and never spoken. Good grief!

These are just a sampling of the things that aggravate my anus area, but with me they change by the hour. I just simply remind myself that anus itchy people and situations are a part of life, so I slap some ointment on it and keep pressin on! you should do the same……… 

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We’re 2 Years Old!

20

Posted by Fleur Delacour | Posted in brew bits | Posted on 25-04-2011

Where has the time gone? It seems just yesterday four, witty friends were sitting in a cafe creating the concept for a new blog because we knew we could do it better. Thousands of posts later, we’ve made the big boys a little scared and we’re still having fun. So what better way to celebrate than with a happy hour and birthday celebration for Witch Hazel?!? Come and join us Wednesday, May 11, 5 – 9pm at Bar 7, 1015 1/2 7th Street NW, Washington D.C. For our fans out of the area, raise a glass in spirit of The Witches! Hope to see you there.

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Tyler Perry Will Kill “Madea” If You Stop Going To See Her

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Posted by Witch Hazel | Posted in madea, tyler perry | Posted on 22-04-2011

Tyler Perry’s sixth “Madea” film opened this holiday weekend and, like the others, I’m sure he’ll make millions from it and be able to add a new shoe closet to his house. But, Perry tells Conan O’Brien that “Madea” does have a shelf life. He claims he’ll end it if people stop going to see her.

OK, SO… YOU KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!

And, in other TP news, he’s doing a spinoff TV show based on his Why Did I Get Married series called For Better Or Worse.

Image via Lionsgate
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Brewchies At The Movies: The Help [SNEAK PEEK]

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Posted by Witch Hazel | Posted in brewchies at the movies, The Help, will you watch | Posted on 22-04-2011


I know. I know. You’re already thinking “another movie about black maids, the deep south and racism, yawn!” But, follow me a minute. DreamWorks is bringing Kathryn Stockett’s bestselling novel “The Help” to life this summer. “The Help” is based on a group of women –both black and white– living in 1960s Mississippi. One of the main characters bucks the tradition of her white friends and A) takes on a real job and B) subsequently sets out on a journey to write about how black maids are treated in the deep south. And getting those details about the real struggles of black maids is where the book flourishes. I hope the movie does the same. Emma Stone is the central character with the über-talented, Oscar-nominated Viola Davis and Octavia Spencer taking on the leading maid roles. Bryce Dallas Howard is, for all intents and purposes, the “villain”… and I’ll stop there.

Taste The Brew for a clip

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@NeNeLeakes, What’chu Know About Royal Weddings?

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Posted by Witch Hazel | Posted in nene leakes, Prince William | Posted on 22-04-2011

It obviously takes alotta donuts to keep Basement Grandpa Gregg well-fed because NeNe is cranking them out like that little Dunkin man (may his soul rest).

On top of her ongoing Real Housewives and Celebrity Apprentice duties, NeNe is co-starring in a chitlin circuit My Arms Are Too Short To Box With Jehovah And My Feet Are Too Big For Louboutins traveling play called “Loving Him is Killing Me.” Oh, but there’s more…

NeNe is teaming up with blogger Perez Hilton to host a royal wedding special, “Will & Kate Forever,” on Wedding Central. The one-hour special airs next Friday, April 29th at 7pm (ET).

Word is NeNe also has aspirations to host her own talk show now that Oprah is going off the air. Good luck with that.

Bloop bloop!

Image via PRN/PR Photos
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