You ever witness something so dreadful that all you can do is tilt your head to the side and watch it from the sideline in a mix of horror, disgust and amusement??? I find myself having a crapload of moments like this whilst browsing facebook and took note of the things that really twist my teets into a pretzel…..

Essay length status updates – A proper status is “Piper is gettin laid: or “Piper is eating steak” not “Piper is going to kill the next man that does her wrong because her arms are too short to box with God and I’m really gonna be pissed if my dog peed on the floor again and boy oh boy do I love donuts I hope that dress I ordered from Plump Vixens fits” That is way way way too much info, no one cares.

Essay length quarrels: Seriously? no like seriously? Did you just type an essay to argue your point??? man listen, if it’s on Facebook  it is NEVERthat serious, back away from the keyboard and go for a run, that is way more productive than getting your fingers in a tizzy

Blockers and Shot Callers- Listen ma’am/sir, you are soooo not that serious, I simply do not see the point to this ridiculous nonsense, if you have to ultra block someone why are they an electronic friend??? just go hard and never add them in the first place right? The only exception to this should be your ma and pa, My mother forced my block hand when she posted on my wall that I could have better luck with the fellas if I wore shorter skirts…….. INSTA BLOCKED!!

Mofos who use their status to cut you –  ”….. hates it when friends steal ish from your house blah blah blah”or some other punk arse status meant to take a jab at someone you feel wronged you, come on, this is the lamest ish an adult person can do, STOP IT!

Tagged Pictures - ok general rule, if I look hot, tag the chit outta me! but if we were at happy hour last Friday and the only shots you managed to get of me are ones in which all my chins and all my guts came out to enjoy the festivities as well, then please refrain from going on a tag bonanza, not cool! 

Friend Troll - ok perusing through my friends list for hotties is just super sad and thirsty sir, is you serious??? just yuk….. STOP!

Wall posts - “Hey piper! just checking in on you” is totally acceptable, “Hey Piper, I’ll remember the condoms this time” is not! USE WALLS RESPONSIBLY PEOPLE!!!

Games and Apps – When I’m having a crap day, the last thing I wanna see is an app informing me “you have been entered into the cutest fat chick contest, click this link to see where you stand” eff you Mr. Application, stay the eff up off my wall!! No one wants to be entered in these contests so cut this ish out!

Pokes- I sitll don’t understand the purpose of a poke, it makes me angry to receive notice that I’ve been poked, feels like someone has beef with me and I don’t do Internet beef

Updates to your ‘relationship’ status- I mean really??? “in a relationship with……” seriously? “it’s complicated with…..”.I want options like “single and dating d*ckheads” or “vagicat closed for renovations” but if those options are never made available I need you guys to know that no one cares where your love life stands like that, trust me, no one cares……..

So I went to see a few picture shows this weekend with my soror visiting from outta town, First stop was ‘Bridesmaids’ which was absolutely hee-larry-ous! if you haven’t seen it yet you  must go at once! Next stop was “Jumping the Broom” ( I had originally said I wasn’t gonna see it but since we were movie hopping… wha the hell!) I didn’t like it that much but it wasn’t the worst either. But this is not a movie review, this is about the a-hole lady that we encountered when trying to find seats next to one another before the start of “Jumping the Broom”. Ok so you know how you get inside the theatre and all the seats are almost filled but there’s scattered seating and if one person simply moves over a seat you and your pal/date can sit together? Seems real simple right? Well it was when we got in the theatre for “Bridesmaids”, we couldn’t find 2 seats together so we approached a couple and before we could even ask “excuse can you move over one?” they were already out of their seats and moved over with a smile. No drama, no tooth sucking, no eye rolling…. nuffin! Ok great, everything smooth. But wait! not so fast! We go inside the “Jumping the Broom” theatre and run into the same situation. My girl excuses herself to the ladies room and leaves me with the task of finding us 2 seats together, no biggie, I see some options and make my approach. As I lean over and ask a couple if they mind moving over one,  the bullshiggity ensues. The man quickly gets up, the woman however does not budge, she sits still, lips pouted out, sucks teeth, looks over at her boo and says “why did you move? I mind and I’m not moving!”

HOLY CHIT!!! so at this point I think it noteworthy to point out that they were colored and she was a loud and proud member of Alpha Kappa Alpha sorority, I could not believe what had just occurred, neither could her man. In the end he gets up and moves to the seat next to hers. Why are we so mean and disgusting to one another??? Like what would make an obviously college educated woman, throw on her colors and then proceed to go out in public and be a complete ahole to a woman who could have very well been a member of the same organization??? I was quite surprised that she would display this kind of behavior while wearing her AKA para, like wow! It all happened so fast but if I was really thinking I shoulda said ” well gee thanks soror for your kindness” (even though I’m a Zeta”).  I’m not trying to make it seem like I haven’t encountered ignorance of ginormous proportions before but this one really threw me off, like what the fook!

I have no idea what was up her arse and I certainly do not think all AKA’s are obnoxious pigs, but her psycho behavior reminded me that we should always be conscious of who we are presenting to the world. That was not the way to rep your set miss!  Stop being so damn mean and smile sometimes just to smile……… and oh yeah, if someone asks you to move over one so they can sit next to their pal…. 

GET CHO FAT ARSE UP AND MOVE YOU JERK!!!!!! GOOD GRIEF!!

I’ve been off my Twitter game lately. Real life was calling and I answered. Anywho… in my attempt to catch up, I noticed some Twitter activity the other day between Rihanna and her “Navy” of fans. It seems she’s following Chris Brown’s tweets (he’s following hers too) and the Rihanna stans think that’s a blasphemous travesty against nature, a sign of the Apocalypse or something.

@iStan4Rihanna_ tweeted: @rihanna I never thought you would go back to him! You better not, its your life but you do have ppl that look up to you. e.g young girls

Here’s Rih’s response to the girl getting up in her feelings about it.

If you don’t follow Rihanna’s tweets, you should. She really doesn’t give a #$%@, says what’s on her mind and doesn’t seem to be the type to delete a tweet in a panic, like some other bow tie wearing people.

So, what’s your call? Is it a big deal to follow an ex (ok, the Ex From Hell) on Twitter or are people overreacting?

Image via RihannaDaily.com
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The Purple nymph says he never banned Whitney Houston from his LA concerts. Word is someone in his “camp” said she was banned from the shows because she was embarrassing herself in the audience and on stage. Now, Prince says HE never banned her (and he is the head beech in charge). He’s gone so far as to invite her backstage and says “she’s always welcome 4 all of eternity.” (Until, she acts a fool, presumably.)

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First, she got fired by a bad hair hat wearer and now Star Jones’ ex is coming for her wallet. Al You Doin’? Reynolds is taking his former wifey to court for $50,000, claiming she breached a clause in their divorce agreement to not speak ill of him. The settlement states that neither party can talk greasy of the other, or they’ll have to pay a $50,000 penalty to the other party. Reynolds claims Star violated the agreement when she was a guest on the Wendy Williams show in March and in this interview, Star said “The wedding was fabulous, but the marriage was kind of a booty.” Al’s rep says “the unnecessary and disparaging statements made over the years regarding their marriage to mutual friends, in TV and print interviews and tweets must stop. And if Al filing paperwork utilizing the very clause that Star wanted in the divorce decree is used to stop her from the constant blasphemy of Al and their marriage vows, then so be it.”

Well, #BAM Miss Honayyyy! (Really Al, who you foolin’ though?)

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The First Lady is hosting a poetry shindig at the White House tonight and she’s invited several notable poets, including Jill Scott, but it’s rapper/actor/object of my web-stalking Common who’s taking the most heat. Conservative website The Daily Caller dug up a piece Common recited on HBO’s Def Poetry back in 2007 where he slams the Bush Administration, and, naturally, the Fox News folks jumped right on it, claiming the poem is too gangsta.
Taste The Brew for the video

You do not piss off the Purple One! A day after it was revealed that Whitney Houston has entered an outpatient rehab program, now comes the word that Prince has banned her from his concerts because of her wacky behavior.

Word is Momma Whit was demanding all kinds of tickets to the LA shows and appeared to be intoxicated when she attended the concerts, not to mention this strange bonding/hugging session she had with Bobbi Kristina in the audience. TMZ reports she’s been badgering Prince to let her on stage but Prince’s people denied her because they didn’t want Whitney to “embarrass herself.” All the demands and drunky behavior led Mr. Nelson to ban that brawd from his shows. After all, he is the head diva up in that piece.

Here’s a clip of Whitney with Chaka Khan at a recent Prince show (…oh, Whitney, that dress…)

Image via Prince.org
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LisaRaye, the former First Lady of Turks & Kinkos Caicos, is reportedly dealing with an “issue” on the set of her new VH1 series, Single Ladies. Word is fellow actress Stacey Dash pulled a “Diamond” and popped-off on the set of the show, screaming “No, I ain’t coming back unless that b*tch [referring to LisaRaye, allegedly] gets her a** kicked!” A source says “It was an intimate dinner party scene so everyone was in cocktail dresses. Stacey was screaming and running around in thousand dollar Louboutins!”

Now, both of these King magazine type cover girl ladies are “of a certain age” in Hollywood (you know how work gets scarce eventually) and probably can’t afford to be labeled as “problem children” on the set. It’s not like scripted TV jobs drop from the sky everyday for blactresses. US Weekly reports that LisaRaye did not provoke the incident (y’all were thinking she did, right?) and sources have said that it’s Dash who is coo coo for Cocoa Puffs and very anti-social on the set.

All of this could simply be great publicity for their show, which premieres May 30th on VH1. It always takes a gimmick.

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So fellas lemme axe you a question, what do you bring when you have a sensual sleep over at a lady’s house, and you have work the next day?  A suit, some manties, your hygienical hoe kit. The usual, right? I mean after you treat a lady to a lovely meal, properly congress her and she slips off into catatonia,  what are you guys up to in her crib?   Are you sniffing panties?  Using up her wireless to upload dixels of your self on your Swingers’ dating page?  Are you cutting your toe nails with her butter knives?  Or do you do roll like a recentish date of mine and  sneak into her bathroom and DYE YOUR GRAYS?! I just wanna get boned up on the etiquette here. Is it normal to think, yep…she’s gonna go to bed with

THIS  and wake up with THIS?  She won’t notice a thing!

 

Anyway,  afore-sidebar-mentioned prematurely gray fellawakes me up in a panic… WHY DON’T YOU HAVE ANY SHAMPOO!?  As I mentioned I was in a double meat (if you know what I’m talkin’ about! MY, MAN! -Denzel voice) coma and a little groggy…”Huh?”  I mumbled in the dark, a strong smell of faux hair color tickling my nostrils.  ”YOUR SHAMPOO, WHERE IS IT?!” he was in a complete panic.  I say “Oh  I don’t use that…”  and turn back over.  Dude is now freaking the fug out, so I wake up.. blink twice.  Homie looks like he has been having a fight with a vat of dye and is losing.  Big time.   The jet black dye has also assaulted, his tee shirt, my good towel (you sonofabish!) and is threatening to assault my bedding…OH GET THE FUG OUTTA HERE WITH THIS BULLSHISSH! I think.

I follow him to my bathroom…there is dye EVERYWHERE: walls, check! floor, check! all over the tub and tiles, check and check!   My cat is giving him the side-eye like ‘You betta don’t drip that ish on me!”    I throw him a sample shampoo bottle I picked up in a gift bag, and curse my way back to bed.  In the morning I wake up to find that he tried to remove the dye with conditioner, my entire bottle of $20 dollar conditioner…the fack!?  Now you know damn well, if I had so much had left a bobby pin over at his place I would be ‘trying to stake claim/trap or otherwise invade his man sanctity and peace of mind for bringing other trim over’.  But it’s ok to leave my place looking like you lost a battle of wits and strenff with a giant squid?

 I mean where is the equity in what is ok for women to do at a man’s house? (Put out, cook, shut up, leave) versus what is apparently free range in my place (shave your pubes, hog my remote,  and ruin my damn GOOD TOWELS?)

What gives here!?

Jesse James continued his Tour of Doucheland on the Howard Stern show this morning. He bigged-up his new lady love, the tatted up Kat Von D, while stomping on his ex, Sandra Bullock. James was on the show to promote his new book (you can Google it, I’m not plugging it), when the convo turned to sex. Stern asked Jesse who’s better in the sack, Sandra or the new fiancée.

“That one is an easy no-brainer. Kat Von D. 100%. She’s a vixen. If she cheated on me, I would forgive her and still love her.”

Jesse went on to say that he never felt comfy in Sandra’s Hollywood world. I guess Kat is just the right mix of trailer park that Jesse needs.

“She [Sandra] could stand there in front of the world and say she loved me, but in my mind I was thinking, ‘Yeah? Bullsh*t. You don’t love me. I’m just some biker kid.”

Jesse says he started cheating on Sandra two years after they married but he says he’s totally devoted to Kat, who will be wife #4.

Jesse gets a Baby Louis Bullock "I'm sho' glad you ain't my daddy" mean mug for that…

Images via WENN & PacificCoastNews.com
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After a decade of seemingly searching in caves and whatnot, President Barack Obama announced Sunday night that al-Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden was killed inside a compound in Pakistan. President Obama made a late night speech to inform the nation that U.S. forces had successfully taken out the man many believe was behind the 9/11 attacks. [On another note, the late speech completely jacked the last 10-15 minutes of Celebrity Apprentice. *Snicker*] The U.S. is reportedly in possession of bin Laden’s body after he was killed by a ground operation. No Americans were harmed in the attack.

Bin Laden has been quiet in recent years (he used to drop a mixtape like every month back in the day, remember?), but the President says the capture or killing of bin Laden has been a top priority of his national security plan, so mission accomplished! I fully expect a watershed of spin from all sides of this story by the time I get up in the morning.

This is certainly a big moment in the “war on terror,” but do you feel any safer now that bin Laden is dead? Does his death change anything for you? What’s your call?

Taste The Brew for the President’s remarks