Oh for the love of Dub Heyzeus! Do you know how much time you are wasting, bemoaning things you cannot change and complaining about things that you CAN do something about?!
OK, I’m gonna spit some Hot Motivational Fiyah in the manner of DYLAN DYLAN DYLAN DYLAN AND DYLAN! The top 5 greatest rapper of all time! Come get you some!
Your fat ass: If it is a problem for you….GO TO THE GYM, EAT LESS. That’s the recipe right there. There’s no pill, there’s no shake, there’s no miracle juice smoothie, there’s no body wrap, there’s no cream there’s no salve. When I’m stressed out and upset, I gain weight. Nothing says ‘soothing the sadness’ to me, quite like a nice meal followed by a rousing nap. And boy does that ish have consequences… all up and around my gut parts. I’ve done effed up, but no matter how I try to avoid the inevitable, I know damn well the only way to handle that is: SWEAT AND EATING LESS CRAP, MORE OFTEN THAN I EAT CRAP (hey, I’m all about balance). Witch Tip: Check out Clean Eating Magazine for some mealspiration. The recipes are effing healthy deliciousness! FOR REAL!
Do you know how much money on anal oil leaking pills I just saved you? NOW BUY A DAMN BREW TEE SHIRT!
Your hair: “The BLACK EVERY Woman and her Hair” is gazillion dollar industry for one reason, everyone wants EXACTLY what they don’t have. I get that. But at SOME point, you have to say ‘this is the hand I’m dealt’ and go with it. I would love to have hair that didn’t frizz up when moisture is in a 20 mile radius, I however was “blessed” with this:
The Juan Epstein: A full on Puerto Rican Jew fro, I am neither PR or a Jew so imagine my confusion.
Luckily in this day and age, a woman doesn’t HAVE to look like a 70′s sitcom actor, if she doesn’t want to. I’ve found the products that work for me, and #bam my morning angst is over! My point is, whether the solution is to finding the hair hat that suits you (which means at the very least the TRACKS don’t show! COME ON LADIES!), or going boldly Mah Ambah (@DaRealAmberRose) Rose bald, Do what works for YOU because matching someone else’s swag is inauthentic and makes baby Dub Jesus very colicy. Witch Tip: In this day in age of the interweb hair information, and YouTube demonstrations- if your wig is a mess, you must WANT it to be. Seriously, Just Google HAIR! There is no such thing as a texture too exotic to LOOK NICE AND HEALTHY!
Your Money: I’m not even gonna lie, this one gets me the hardest. I love shoes….and purses…and clothes…and accessories…and books..and Apple aps… and that $3.03 cent Chai Latte I get from the tea house every morning. At some point you have to cut some ish out and be responsible. Pay your bills first, put some in an automatic savings program that is not linked to your checking account, don’t use your credit cards unless an emergency, and buy your ‘stuff’ at the sale it’s going to be on in 3 weeks, make your lunch to bring to work most days and pay your FORKING TAXES!
See, you didn’t even have to buy a Suze Orman book for that. NOW GO BUY A DAMN TEE SHIRT, IT IS AN INVESTMENT IN YOUR FUTURE. Would I steer you wrong? *blank stare, winning smile*
Your Style: There is no reason for you lack style. Your clothes are a rep of not only who you are, but who you want to advertise to the world that you are. If you are not Megan Good, do you REALLY want people to think you’re the chick who enjoys cameltoe and cheap Lycra? Does your spirit REALLY sing through baggy tees and elastic waist trousers? I’m SURE you’re deeper than that. Show it! Witch Tip: Take an inventory of your closet, junk what’s not working, then build your essentials wardrobe and go from there.
Check out invite only online designer discount havens like Gilt Group, Rue La La, and splurge on the things that matter to you (hell, inbox me at firstname.lastname@example.org and I’ll send you the invite myself!).
Quality over quantity always, especially if you are a woman of plushness…cheap fabric and construction is the devil on a Big Boneded Beauty! Remember that shit! Live it learn it LOVE IT!
Not sure HOW to put looks together once you’ve got the basics? Peep fashion blogs such as the Sartorialist, Young, Fat and Fabulous, and Lucky Magazine has an awesome online resource. Get yourself some inspiration!
Your Stuff: I really wish you bamas would stop buying ish beyond your bama means. In the DMV it is so ‘sooo where do you live, what do you drive, what do you have?’ FOCK’S IT TO YOU? Unless you are asking for handouts from someone, YOUR SHIT, IS YOUR SHIT. GOT IT?! Stop competing with people who’s journey has ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to do with yours.
Your Brain: I swear the biggest props I can give is to someone is kudos for learning something new. Whether it’s a language, how to give a premium Superhead style hummer, or cook a gourmet meal. Never stop challenging yourself to be faster, smarter and brighter.
Your Vagicat: Tend to your chocha regularly, groom it, protect it, get it in some stirrups and let a GYN get a gander at it, don’t let errybody and their cousin Tron all up in it, and treat it with love cause it can be your best friend or worst enemy!
MISC: Use your library card often, love your pets like they are family, take your ass to a dentist, check out that funny looking mole at a dermatologist and while you’re there have her give you something for your skin ailments so you don’t have to cake on the makeup so heavily. And stop taking pics of your tool, tittyballs or vagicat, if you are in public office.
Oh and seriously, volunteer somewhere. Helping others is a priceless feeling that spills in to the rest of your life.
NOW GO BUY A DAMN TEE SHIRT!