I mean SERIOUSLY?

ExRated, a new website that allows people to review their exes, aspires to be a Yelp for former flames.

Users can both vet their prospects and vent about old lovers: see what past partners have to say about your upcoming date by searching for his or her name on the site, or leave a rating of your ex, along with any tips for the next guy or gal.

“You wouldn’t go to a restaurant that hasn’t been reviewed. Especially in the era of Internet dating, why would you go on a date with a person who hasn’t been reviewed?” said ExRated founder Tom Padazana, who said the site’s motto is “forewarned is forearmed.” “I hope this will be a research tool to help people make more educated decisions in dating,” he added. “And as the site grows, I think hopefully it will make people better dates because the possibility of being reviewed is out there.”Source

Ok first of all, no asshole worth his asshole salt, would give 2 shits about being ‘rated negatively’.  If they cared about that, wouldn’t old fashioned “word of mouth” keep them in check? And if it’s criminal behavior you’re concerned with, do a background check on bama. Or watch how his own mother tucks her purse away in the cupboard when you guys come over for Sunday Dinner at Big Momma’s house.

Secondly, what woman do YOU know, when presented with a list of shady details a MILE long: “Girllll, I caught him in my closet,  mastering his own domain, while wearing a Cat Woman outfit. And if that’s not the worst of it, you know he ‘cleaned himself up’ with my GOOD TOWEL?!”  You KNOW how I feel abouts my good towels! Would say “You’re right, Rah Digga!  I’mma stop dating him!”  Yea that’s not going to happen. Women always think two things: 1) I’m different 2) He can change. Let them broads replenish their good towels on their own.

Thirdly…if the review is A Glowing recommendation, what asswipe would be giving out kudo sammitches to someone who likely dumped THEM?

Fourthly (I’m on a roll here just go with it), isn’t the horrific joy of dating finding out exactly what kind of troll is hiding under that ‘great guy’ exterior? Maybe just maybe the troll of your dreams. Why must the interweb ruin, EVERYTHING?

The Brew’s Fairy Godmother, guest blogs to offer her thoughts on parenting in a crazy crazy world. A world where pre-teen girls get back to school weaves…a world where  a grown tax paying woman cannot sit eye level with a teen-aged boy’s butt, for fear of seeing his shit stained draws. ( I mean are these boys trying to entice the Booty Warrior?) A world that confuses this Witch!

Welcome The Brew Fairy Godmother!

 Paula Patton, I feel your pain. I may not have the Hollywood acting career or the hot, white boy husband who can croon R&B tracks with the best of them,  making the ladies swoon. I may not be as pretty as you or have your fabulous, high style lifestyle but we do have something in common. We are both parents of children who people have deemed could not possibly be black. I saw a picture of your hubby walking down the street holding your adorable son on Witches’ Brew and wish I could have placed bets on how many of the comments would be about him not looking black. I would be sunning myself on a tropical island getting a massage from Diego while saying, “Diego, that’s the stuuuuuuffffffffffff!” But I digress, here are some of the comments: “That child has no color! I thought his mother was black? He couldn’t have a black mother!” Yep, knew it was coming because I’ve heard it all about my own children.

My husband is ¾ French Canadian and ¼ Native American if you’re into doing racial math. I am black. I can’t do the racial breakdown math because like most black people, I don’t know much about my extended background. All I know is that both of my parents were black, both of their parents were black, and so on and then there were probably some Native Americans and white masters in the mix somewhere going further back. If your into doing the math, my children are more black than they are white, but people give us the “whachutaumbout, Willis?” double side-eye whenever either one of them call me mom. I actually love it when my daughter calls me mom and front of staring people who seem to be trying to figure out why this little white/latina girl is being extra affectionate with the nanny. I didn’t like when I had to explain to her what adoption means after a kid asked me if I adopted her. She hates when people need assurance that we are mother and daughter. “Why do people always ask if you are my mom?” On some levels with her, I get it because we don’t look a like. Even I look at her sometimes and think, “Wow, how is this my kid?” What kills me is when people ask if my son is my son. This kid couldn’t look anymore like me if he tried. You know that expression, “So and so looks like you spit them out?” Well you could put a picture of my son and me next to that expression. Our resemblance is that NUTS!! But I guess because he is light skinned and has curly hair, some people think we couldn’t possibly be related.

It’s not surprising to me when white people do this. Often times they just see us as a collective “black.” To them we are either brown or dark brown and a few shades in between. I don’t think that they get our whole rainbow connection of shades, but it really irritates me when baaaLACKKKK peapuuuulllll do it. I mean black people . . . c’mon man . . . why do y’all play me and my kids out like that?? You know that we come in all colors – cinnamon, tawny, chocolate, blue/black, peach, yellow. And all of us have at least one red bone cousin or light-bright uncle or nana. Stop fronting! Listen, I grew up next to Mrs. G who wasn’t even light skinned. She was white skinned with straight blond hair with the slightest hint of kink, and blue eyes. BLUE!! She hadn’t had any white people in her family for GENERATIONS. She was from the Eastern Shore of Maryland where they treat that brown paper bag test as serious as cancer. She was black, God rest her soul, BLACK and she was proud of it!! I’ve heard quite a few times lately that race is a social construct – created by man as a way to categorize or classify each other. It is not real. That may be, but until the rest of these folks get the memo . . . Paula, hang in there, chile! Keep ya head up. Don’t pay the naysayers any mind. You have a beautiful and hopefully healthy son who can claim any part of his ancestry including the “five on the black hand side” part. Whatever people think about what he is or ain’t is their problem.

Ok so here’s the thing, anyone who truly knows me knows the keys to my heart, #1 some super premium exotical hair cut from the head of a woman of latin descent and #2 a good ass, quality piece of steak. I’m not hard to please as you can see. But recently a gentlemen who is anti- meat has been sniffing around me hardcore. Like he wants me bad! Ok cool, not a problem, or maybe there is a problem. I lubs my meats and well he has a problem with that. I refuse to listen to lectures and commentary about the evils of my meat eating ways and how steak is infused with demons and poison…. whatever sir! So I’m not gonna bend and clearly neither is my Broccoli Bob so I guess I wonder if we should just quit while we’re ahead??

He already uses the fact that he is a vegan as a reason to not go out on dining dates and um NO SIR!! who dates without dining???? And apparently if we do go anywhere that involves a meal he has to do extensive research to ensure there is absolutely no animal usage…… tag me out! Still, he insists that we can make this work, however I strongly disagree, who’s right?

There are a billion lady vegan warriors out there that I’m sure would be a way better match for this lad, me thinks he should find one……..

This will be the first time where ill be on tour since having my daughter. As a professional i know its my job to travel be gone for months out of the year, but this time ill be away from my baby girl. Its crazy because she dont know what daddy do yet… im prepared for the millions of questions she’s going to ask me. One of my favorite movies is “Walk Hard” i love it because i shared so many of the same things he was going through. He was missing birthdays, all kinds of things that as a parent you dont and just cant miss. Talk about the life of a rolling stone. I know all this is gonna come with the territory. It is a sacrifice, because yall (My fans) need me just like she does. If i dont tour 4 to 5 months out of the year or go do a movie for 3 months then how can she do all the things she wants to do in life. Its hard i cant lie. I’ve already missed some important things because of my job already. When she get about 4 and tells me “Daddy dont leave yet” ima be like “ooohhhhhh noooooo” “look at them lil green eyes” she’s gonna get me every time hahaha. I just want my daughter to know that im out here grinding. Working harder then ever because im still young and tomorrow ain’t promised. Everything i do i do it for her. Even if i go a month with out seeing her because im on the road or in another country, its for her and her future. When i was younger i would see my Dj and Road manager always on the phone arguing to their wives because they could not understand. I’ll admit this is tough on any woman. Understand this game is no 9 to 5. My job requires ALOT and at any given time things change. My job is 24 hours, i might be daddy to her but im Bow Wow the rapper the actor to the world. Just know when daddy get off tour we going to Disney.. cuz even ima need a break. HAHAHA I’ve been working so hard on this album and its all because of her. She has matured me as a man, made me look at life different, and realize whats important. I used to be stuck on jewelry cars and all dat bullshit. NOW.. ima different person. feel like a new artist . Helped me and my moms communicate better. When i leave to go on the F.A.M.E TOUR Shai Shai and i give a kiss its not a goodbye or see ya later, its a daddy went to go get them bands im coming right back. Instead of me leaving with a brief case, it will be a mic in one hand and a script in the other. I Love you Shai

P.S. too bad you too young to come to the shows. Would be dope for you to see daddy kill live on stage. But hopefully god will let me continue to do this at the pace im doing it at now and there will be plenty of tours for you to come on. Daddy gotta go, but when its over your the first person im coming too.

Love Daddy Wizzle

Jesus, be a home school tutor.

©R Kelly
Image via Bow Wow
Source
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Okay let me first put it out there; I do love to travel. So when one of my favorite relatives announced they were getting hitched in the Caribbean I thought to myself “good look”. I can knock two birds out with one stone. Then they announced that the wedding was in the same spot that I had already visited, okay no biggie, I’ll suck it up. So I started planning ahead. Now the economy has taken a bite out of my little arse so I’m being very frugal as of late. Still no biggie…These are my peeps. But as I began to look at some of my family members struggling and juggling to make this Jumping of the Broom, I began to think; is it selfish to marry away? Now, before all you well-traveled M.T.N’s who use vacation as a verb jump down my throat, just think about it. Do you really want to watch that favorite uncle, who may be getting up there and doesn’t travel so well try to walk his old arse off a plane onto a tarmac where mad islanders are trying to sell him some of that Smokey chicken coop ooooo weee? (okay maybe that’s being extreme, but it happens).

Or, know that those tears your cash-strapped single mother of a cousin are shedding when you walk down that sandy aisle are really about how she’s going to have to play hustle man to make up for the loot she dropped? Maybe I’m making it too much about family because let’s be real, some of those mofo’s you really don’t want there and having a destination wedding is a good ass dysfunctional sieve, right?

I guess it’s really your day as they say so “do you boos” but I would skip that little gift box at the reception, cuz ya’ll ain’t getting Brewshyt! Remember: I beat you because I love you!

The rumor mill was churning late last week that Deion Sanders had filed for divorce from his wife, Pilar, for some pretty ridiculous reasons. The story originated on a site called Hello Beautiful and included a reaction statement from Pilar. But, this Witch checked and couldn’t find the story anywhere else. Y’all know I won’t believe any rumors of my own death until TMZ reports it.

According to the report, Sanders is fed up with Pilar’s career moves:

“Enough is enough. I never signed up for all this. Enough is enough. If I wanted a model or a television star I would have married one a long time ago. All I wanted was a housewife.”

Seems kinda crazy to this Witch since Pilar was doing music videos when she met Prime Time and they had their own reality show once.

In the initial report, Pilar issued this statement:

“It’s unfortunate that my husband decided to take this course of action…I’m surprised and hurt… As I said to my children, we must take a minute breath and Trust God.”

Today, Deion hopped on Twitter to deny the story.

You have to wonder if something is going on though. There have been subliminal tweets from these two for at least a week (g’on and check their timelines), plus that site that shall not be named –the one that churns out “fakeout” information– reported that Deion had some 19 year old mistress earlier this month. That cannot be good for a marriage…can it? I hope they make it. I like them as a couple.

Stay tuned…

Source
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Tyra Banks is pretty busy these days. Lately, we’ve seen her out –dressed as a model superhero warrior– promoting her new “book,” Modelland. But she’s also got a fashion and beauty site called typeF which she launched earlier this year to offer “women the personalized style know-how they are looking for, when and where they want it, at home or on the go.” The site’s YouTube channel features short tutorials on how to achieve your best look, be it the little black dress or how to lay down an afro. Wait. What? Lay down an afro? I have never searched for this information on the innawebs. Ever. If anything, I’m trying to get my afro to be bigger. But anywhosss, perhaps this is advice that someone needs. There’s a “hair expert” on Tyra’s site who’s offering “tips” to natural hair wearers and African American women overall. Her advice got the natural hair community’s shea butter in a curdle.

Did she really just paddle brush on dry hair? Mamma nooooo!

After receiving a slew of negative comments, the typeF people deleted the comments and issued this statement.

Oh, but this little nugget of beauty advice still exists on the site:

C’mon Tyra…

C’mon.

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Long before there was an Oprah, an Arsenio or even a nationally syndicated Soul Train, there was SOUL! on New York City’s PBS station, WNET. SOUL! was the Tonight Show for black folks, but with much more style, more content, more music and more thought.

The new documentary, Mr. SOUL!, chronicles the history of the groundbreaking show you’ve probably never heard of. Show host, the late Ellis Haizlip, crafted a program that blended the most popular acts of the era with poets, actors and black leaders. The show was directed by a then up-and-comer Stan Lathan. It was revolutionary then and, sadly, there hasn’t been much since that can match the show’s contributions to the culture. Where else can you find a show that will put acts like Earth, Wind & Fire, Nikki Giovanni, Sidney Poitier, The Last Poets, Stokely Carmichael, Gladys Knight, her Pips and James Baldwin on the same stage?
Taste The Brew for more

Something seems really..."Tight"...

Elphaba:  Especially when you think she cannot be unhappy with her looks,  b/c she’s so ATTRACTIVE.

Piper:  Right! Goodness

 Elphaba:  And if she thinks that little of herself what about actual DOGS? What hope is there for them?

Piper:  And this young man she’s engaged to marry can’t think this is goot.  Fiddy is prolly like “damn lady, I feel bad for pushing you to this”

Elphaba:  I SO BLAME HIM!! It’s like she thought he was her last shot at EVERYTHING

Piper:  Everything…..

Sweet WJ, Blue Contacts were involved?

Elphaba:  happiness love, loving herself. THE FOCK?  A man cannot be what keeps you teetering on the brink  of  low self esteem and insanity.

But you know what? A 50 year old broad engaged to a man named SLIMM, marrying a man named  SIXX NINE.. SURRIOUSLY?

Piper:  Yeah you know what, EXACTLY! Her bad!

The Sixx-Nine's in Happier Times

Elphaba:  OH, OH and FIDDY…A GROWN MAN CALLIN HE’SELF FIDDY.  OMG, I’m officially an old woman!

Piper:  No, we are sensible and you just don’t marry/date mofo’s who go by nicknames..

 Elphaba:  Right as their name, in the skreets!  SIXX NINE?? And you aint got no record deal?  50, fine..fine..fine..it’s 50. In de club. But, huh?

Piper: Ain’t gonna lie, with that body Fiddy mighta got me  too, but 6’9???? no fucking way!

Caveman Fitness

 Elphaba:  lol!  Right, I’mma give you an evolutionary pass, for the workouts an’ such.   BUT SIXX—NINNE??? And now you’re literally 50 years old betrothed to a bamma named SLIMM WITH MULTIPLE MMMS??!

Piper:  LMAO!!!! I gotta be honest; it’s the 3 M’s!

 Elphaba:  like HUH?? I feel like he’s mocking me.  I mean are the extra M’s so we know he’s MMMMM GOOD?

The Future Slimmmmmmmm Family

All that chain smokin’, wig wearin’, Big Poppa’n and tardy for the partyin’ is paying off big time for Kim Zolciak. Bravo is reportedly giving The Real Housewives of Atlanta “star” her own reality show spinoff.

“Originally the show [RHOA] was to be five African American women but after Bravo met Kim, they insisted she be part of the cast,” an insider tells the Huffington Post. “Kim is a game-changer. She was the first housewife to release a single ["Tardy for the Party"] and just like Bethenny [Frankel], she fell in love and got pregnant while taping the show. She’s the perfect choice for the next lady to get her own show.”

The ATL housewives became the highest rated show in the Bravo franchise just a year after its debut. Word is Kim’s show will follow the “Bethenny” formula: new mom, new baby daddy, career, yaada yaada.

Somewhere, Sheree is crying into the arms of her acting coach.

The real question is: will Sweetie have a starring role?

So, will you watch Kim’s new show?

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Check out the video for “Yes.”

Musiq says:

“Early detection is the key to winning the fight against breast cancer. Too often, black women are diagnosed in stage three and four when breast cancer is most difficult to treat. Some women are afraid to seek treatment for fear of losing their breasts or their hair. One’s physical appearance is much less important than the will to live. It’s time to remove the stigmas that are attached to this disease.”

Kudos to you Mr. Soulchild.

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Hola Dudes!

So, you meet a new honeydip (do the kids still say that?)  she tells  you she’s just gotten out of  a serious relationship.

You pick her up for your 2nd or 3rd date and there’s a dude, in his undies, sitting in the living room watching the game.  

He gives you a Bruhman nod, and goes about his business.

 ”Uh, who the fug was that?” you ask her as you head out for your date.

She replies, “Oh, that’s my ex, that I told you about.  He still lives here. We’re not together or anything, though. We are in a recession after all.”

Do you still date her or tell her to holla when she gets her living sitch straightened out?

*****

Phlip:  I do not continue to date her.   One of my exes fell into that trap with the cat after me… roommates in an apartment neither could hold down alone.  Now they’re still broken up, hate each others guts (finally living apart) and have a daughter to show for their troubles.  I am fine with using other people as cautionary tales, and I keep that story in my pocket just for questions like this.

SuPreme:  I’ve actually gone through something similar, except it never got to the first date. A woman I worked with, who was extremely attractive and who had liked me for a while, proposed that we go out and try to make something happen (we had a David & Maddie “Moonlighting” type of relationship – before they ever did the deed). Anywho, in questioning her, I found out she lived with her ex – she wasn’t going to reveal this on her own. She said the same thing – “we’re not together or anything”. I asked her to honestly tell me the last time they had sex. She was evasive; “Why is that important, and any of your business? We’re not together, I told you.”

I told her HELL NAW. No way I’m taking you out, showing you a good time, getting you all happy and worked up, only for you to pull back on initial dates because it’s “too soon”, and then go home so Tyrone on the couch can benefit because you’re all worked up, need a release and he’s “familiar”. Naw, man. I’m not Willie Lump-Lump. There’s no way I’m messing with the woman who essentially has emergency penis in-house any time she feels the need, while I put in the work to try and get with her and to eventually get to sexy times (as Borat would say).

 

You gots to play that game on the next man. Any dude cool with this is probably soft as a Care Bear Cousin’s Tail. The type of dude women use and discard like a dry Wet Wipe. Like he watches “Glee” in a onesy while holding a teddy bear. Type of dude who cries when he has sex and curls up in the fetal position when it’s done. Word.

 

I FAIL TO SEE THE ISSUE!

 

Gross Dude:  I’ve focked with married women still sleeping in the same bed with their husbands. This is actually more acceptable.

  

Elphaba: * Blank. Stare. Open.  Mouth. Wide.  Eyes.* 

 

Gross Dude: I’m just saying… What sounds better?  Sleeping with a married woman that still sleeps in the same bed with her husband.   Or some chick that only lives with the Ex?!

 

 

  

DUDE DARKNESS:  HILARIOUS! I had a homegirl go through this. She DIVORCED her husband but until he could get his money right… they remained roommates. I used to crack jokes on the fact that she had to introduce the ex to new guys as.. ” Oh.. him.. that’s just my huuuuuzzzzzband”…” pay him no mind’…LOL

 Actually , Most guys wouldn’t kick her to the curb. We are all grown and I got my own spot so – we’d spend most of the time at my crib. When I wanted some inside dirt on her .. I’d go to the ex for information.

 I would NEVER have LONG TERM plans with homegirl… just your average, typical misdemeanor of ” SMASH & GRAB ” or accidental ” HIT & RUN ” …..whatever you want to call it!..  Unless you made her speak in tongues during sex — best believe homeboy is still tapping that AZZZZ! ( I’ve been on the GOOD end of too many .. ” I have a boyfriend now….THIS IS THE ABSOLUTE LAST TIME WE DO THIS..OK??.. SLURP..SLURP!” .. scenarios to know he’s still tapping that!  The X -Factor is too much to make her permanent. The ex is basically D-K in a glass… BREAK IN CASE OF EMERGENCY! Plus… you have NO IDEA what the ex is working with! He MOST likely is MANDINGO throwing his joint over his shoulder to keep it from dragging on the floor because she has NOT put him out yet… …AND here you come looking like Opie paying for dinners and giving her emotional support…LOL while the ex blows her back out from across the room every night….Some chics may hate the MAN.. BUT LOVE HIS SCH….LOOOOONG!     And that is most likely the case because she has NOT put him out yet… once a female is completely done with a man– he’s gone… hence the reason most divorced men pay for houses they DON’T LIVE IN!!!!…LOL 

  

Elphaba:  GAH! I hate this gig, sometimes. 

 

So what say you, Brewchies?

Can you boo up a new boo when the old boo is still laying up in the next room?