I have a vivid imagination.

While some people imagine the New Year being ushered in by a lil white baby in a top hat…(Side note: Why can’t the baby be cablinasian? I mean, while the typical  imagery of sweet White Baby Jesus is all blond and Aryan -even though common sense and birth location would dictate that young babe would at least be the color of French Coffee stockings rocking a Care Free Curl-  I mean can’t the New Year’s Baby be chocolate with a bitchin’ ‘fro. Or Native American with a  silky Dominican salon blow out like the Ghost Ninja from the Black Eyed Peas?  Throw my people a celebratory bone!)

Anyway, in my mind, the New Year gets ushered in with a runaway bus. Much like the movie Speed.  Now, I usually reserve this imaginary service for the ahole that I have spent the year dating and breaking up with, but it was a slow year.   But hey, since breaks have been  cut and there’s a bomb on board, let’s use this as an opportunity to get rid of the dead weight and bad trends that have plagued us throughout the year .

LET’S GET THIS BUS ON THE ROAD, MICKEY FICKIES!

Basketball Wives Approved Earrings.  Don’t get me wrong. I love a bold accessory. The FIRST time I saw the one who needs some pressed powder or blotting paper in them, they were festive. The second time, her whiny bluest eye homeskillet had them on, I said ’Ooh ok, those are cute.’   But like every thing that gets over exposed and run into the ground, these were quickly played.   I wonder who is really behind these things, since you seem to get a free case of these suckers with signing on to the BBW franchise.  Why anyone would look to this group nouveau riche climbers for sartorial advice, is beyond me. But clearly there is a market,  as I have found a crapload of Youtube videos that show one how to make dirt-cheap DYI versions of these cheap-looking expensive earrings.  Booskis anytime you and your ENTIRE  crew of 30-somethings are rocking the same thing, I’mma need you to give those lobes a breather and grab a hold of your individualistic testes.

 

 

Glorifying Little Girls Singing Inappropriate Lyrics.  This ‘ish made me itch. While I appreciate a precocious  child  as much at the rest of humanity. I can’t help but cringe at these lyrics. There HAS to be some kiddie approved songs a lil ADD girl and her slightly listless totally bored hype-less homie, rocking  princess dresses and tiaras to groove to. There HAS to be.

 

Bad Reality TV.  Wainaminit… let me clarify. Most reality TV is really really bad (except anything that involves Hoarders, that ish is AMAZ-ING, did you see the preview of the show with the roaches? HOLY CRAPBALLS!). Some of these shows are either mind numbingly boring or produced by Satan Himself Productions.  While I have tried to purge myself from the trife-ness of  most reality TV (I’m not even going to pretend to not be captivated by Jim Jones’ momma).  ”Good” Bad reality shows are like that accident on the side of the road that you just cannot stop watching, once you start.  But for the love of sweet Blonde Baby Jesus, there are some reality shows that could have remained in the Xanax riddled mind of the bored producer.   The disgusting “Toddlers and Tiaras” comes to mind.

 

 

 

All Things Kardashian. I kind of feel like this is a no-brainer. Seriously, can’t we be done here? I don’t wanna see them Dancing with ‘Stars’. I don’t wanna see them pilfering their allegedly dubiously crafted fashions. I don’t want trifling ass married man bonin’ Barbara Walters, digging in the bottom of the barrel to interview them.  Look, I’m willing to even bargain. We’ll take Big Jack, she seems feisty, friendly, fun and normal. And dammit I think she’s a cutie. She even has actual FRIENDS.  But you have to keep the rest of your slags (the unmarried breeder, the plastic blowup doll and the two little ones who are trying too hard). off of my tv.  BE KGONE!

 

 

FOX NEWS.   There has to be a way to say that you dislike Obama, and his policies then getting all KKK on a Commander in Chief.  There are so many examples of this “Newsy” hate speech. Let’s just use this for example “Skinny Ghetto Crackhead”? SERIOUSLY? FOH!

 

Caring About Interracial Relationships.  A CHURCH. Where the LORD LIVES banned a couple.  A CHURCH. THE LORD’S HOUSE. THEY BANNED PEOPLE IN LOVE,FROM THE LORDS’ HOUSE. Where they do that at? Kentucky, that’s where.  In 2011, for reals?

 

 

 

 

 

 

Jonah Hill…fat skinny, it don’t matter. He’s not funny. He’s like the poor POOR man’s Seth Rogan, who is only situationally  funny.

 

 

 

 

 

Natural Hair Nazis.  Hold up, hear me out. I LOVE that we have embraced our natural state. I’ve been natural for years so I truly don’t get the big fugging deal. I mean you want a cookie for liking YOU? Actually, yea…I’d love a cookie.  I do not love that some of these blogs that I go to for tips and new product info are so weirdly divisive.  Some of the commenters are creepily fizzy-cotic about texture and what is ‘natural’ that  just turns into way to separate us as a people even further.  If we come in every shade, should we not also come in every texture? Does that make one less ‘natural’ than the other? GTFOHWTBS. If we are NOT our hair (btw, where the hell has India Arie been?) then why are we being so divisive?  Live and let perm, let a bish rock a weave a wig  a  doobie  or a dontbe. As long as it’s flattering to her and healthy looking, what’s is it to you if she’s a 4b, 3c or wd44?  Call me crazy, isn’t what’s UNDER the hair more important? Keep the information coming, but keep the weird judgement to yourselves or your shrinks.

 

 

Random Ish That Irks Me.  The word “Swagu”. The robot host on the X-Factor. Losing at Words With Friends to Gross Dude, of all people! The price of organic anything. Gwyneth Paltrow anything…but especially singing.

 

 

 

Aiight Brewchies, I’ve got stacks on deck and a bottle of  Mommas’s Juice on ice.

2011, you can suck it!  Bring on 2012! -Witch E., OUT!

(eh, til next week)

 

What say you? What  Brewshyt do you want the New Year’s Bus to destroy for a better 2012?

As 2011 comes to a close, let’s take a look back at some of the moments we’ll always remember and some we’d like to forget.

Notable Moments

Osama Bin Laden meets his maker
Japan’s earthquake and tsunami
A prince gets hitched
Arab Spring: Mideast & North African protests
Muammar Gaddafi is snuffed
10th anniversary of September 11th
Occupy Wall Street and everywhere else
Iraq war ends
Gabby Giffords’ amazing comeback
Beyonce gets knocked up, Twitter goes nuts
Lauryn Hill had another baby, but you don’t need to know who’s the daddy
Kim Jong Il kicks the bucket, countrymen pretend to mourn
Oprah rolled out

The Notorious Bunch

Charlie Sheen’s meltdown makes for some #winning TV
Casey Anthony walks
Michael Jackson’s doctor isn’t so lucky
Rick Perry flops… “oops”
Tracy Morgan opens mouth, inserts foot
Oh, Kobe! Why no prenup?
Herman Cain can’t keep it in his pants
Kim Kardashian pulls off a sham of a wedding, pockets millions
Anthony Weiner’s pecker cost him a job
Penn State. Just. Penn. State. Well, and Syracuse too.
Eddie Long settles after vowing to fight
JLo leaves husband #3

People We Lost

Amy Winehouse
Joe Frazier
Heavy D
Steve Jobs
Nate Dogg
Elizabeth Taylor
Clarice Taylor
M Bone
Patrice O’Neal
Loleatta Holloway
Jeff Conaway
Bubba Smith
Al Davis
Macho Man Randy Savage
Jack LaLanne
Peter Falk
Nick Ashford
Gil Scott Heron
Vesta Williams
Clarence Clemons
Sylvia Robinson
Betty Ford
Geraldine Ferraro
Fred Shuttlesworth
Jack Kevorkian
Christopher Hitchens
Andy Rooney

What’s On Your List?

This list doesn’t include all the happenings from 2011 (a Witch was multitasking). So, what tops your list of big events for 2011? Who don’t you want to see more of in 2012? Drop a comment in the box below.

Thanks for supporting these 4 Witches here on the blog, on Facebook and Twitter. And, a big thank you to everyone who bought some Brew merch from our store this year. It’s not too late to buy a mug and get on our good list. #shamelessplug

Best wishes for an awesome 2012. Happy New Year, Brewchies!

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Pilar Sanders found herself on the receiving end of a Twitter attack from her step-daughter, Deiondra yesterday. Pilar and Deiondra’s daddy -NFL Hall of Famer Deion Sanders- are in the middle of a nasty breakup, which Pilar claims she only found out about via the media. But, not so fast. Deiondra claims Pilar has had another man in the family’s house and has put her career over her family. She even has some photographic “evidence” that suggests Pilar’s been creepin’ and has known about the divorce for weeks, if not, months. Peep the tweets…
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Anita Baker tweeted for her life last night about the fiasco that was the VH1 Divas Celebrate Soul show this month. If you watched, then you know the 2nd half of the show was better than the first hour, there was a flub during the Amy Winehouse tribute that should have been re-shot or edited out and there was a whole lotta I can out-sing you hollerin’ from some of the divas. It wasn’t turrrible, but they’ve done better Divas shows.

So, Anita hopped on Twitter to clear up why she wasn’t more involved with the show as it was announced she would be. According to blogger Drama Dupree, Miss Anita was supposed to sing a duet with Jill Scott but then things fell through. The Twitter “beef” started when Jon Smeltz, whose Twitter profile states “Recording the notes since ’83′ The Roots;Al Green;Jill Scott;Jazzyfatnastees;Usher;Mariah Carey;Philadelphia Experiment;etc,” posted a tweet about Anita pulling out of performing at the last minute. He’s somehow affiliated with Jill’s camp since his earlier tweets indicated that there was a Baker/Scott rehearsal that went well. But, not according to Miss Anita!
Taste The Brew to follow the tweets

If you’ve been watching CNN this week, you may have caught a brown face adding some color to the midday. Isha Sesay is an anchor for CNN International, based at the network’s global headquarters in Atlanta. She’s worked for the network since 2005. And… she’s our latest Brew Beauty.

Sesay was born in London but moved to her parents’ native Sierra Leone as a little girl. She began her career as a researcher for the BBC and now anchors the “Back | Story” program for CNN, giving viewers an inside look at how news is gathered there. Sesay doesn’t have much down time as she also hosts and reports for CNN’s “Inside Africa” and earlier this year, she was added to “Anderson Cooper 360°.” Sesay has covered the Hajj pilgrimage to Mecca, the 2008 U.S. presidential election and breaking news events in Zimbabwe, Russia and Liberia. She has a degree from Trinity College – University of Cambridge in the UK and a pretty good weave (just a random observation).

Here’s a bit more about Isha Sesay:

Head to our Facebook page for our Brew Beauty gallery to see more pictures of Isha and our other Brew Beauties. If you have a suggestion for a future Beauty, drop us a line (no people who make a living by making it clap, please).

Image via CNN
Source
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Remember when singers just sang? Maybe they wrote a few songs too, or sold a perfume at the CVS, and perhaps acted in a few movies but nothing really overshadowed their singing and hopping around on stage? Those days are over, thanks to the need to have 5,6,7,8, 50-11 sidehustles. It’s not enough to put out a good product. Nope, because folks just aren’t buying it anymore. We’re illegally downloading it, sharing it and watching the concert highlights on YouTube, all for free-99. It’s really hard out here for a diva, it would seem. Enter: the weight loss commercial. If you haven’t had a smash hit in years, you can lose some el-bees and #BAM, career’s back at 100 (or a good 85). Jennifer Hudson, Mariah Carey and, now, Janet Jackson have all discovered the formula. One is wailing with her former curvy self to show the beauty of Weight Watchers. The other dusted off the wardrobe from the Honey video for Jenny and the latter, is going for the more reasonable, I’m just eating better approach (oh, she has a book too) for Nutrisystem.
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A lengthy flight may have played a role in Heavy D’s death. Medical reports show Heavy died of a “natural” cause: a pulmonary embolism caused by deep leg vein thrombosis. A pulmonary embolism is basically a major blockage caused by a blood clot. Heavy died on November 8th. He was 44 years old. In October, Heavy was on a long flight from Europe to LA. He had been overseas to perform at a Michael Jackson tribute show in Wales. The blood clot formed in his legs but, Heav also suffered from heart disease which may have played a role as well. No one knows for sure if the flight is what killed him, but this is a sad lesson that you’ve got to get up, walk around and stretch as much as you can on a long flight.

#RIPHeavyD

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Christmas is over and the new year is fast approaching, so it’s clearly that time of year again, the time when mofos get all reflective and vow to not do this and not do that, not eat this and not eat that, not sleep with this guy or girl anymore blah blah blah. So of course I’m no different, on Christmas day in between the 4th or 5th meal, I did plenty of reflecting myself and decided I am not resolving anything, I never stick to any of it anyway. I’m all amped and motivated the first 2 weeks then the next thing you know I’m doing everything I said I wouldn’t do. This year I’m taking a different approach; I’m making ‘no resolutions’ resolutions. 

In 2012, I resolve to not resolve to do the following:

1. Swear off pork – the pig be calling me, no sense in faking jacks, now I can certainly eat less of it but best believe I will be indulging in some succulent pig

2. Swear off weave – In past years I have vowed to wear my hair natural and denounced my hair hats, yeeeaaa, not playing that game with myself anymore, I lurve hair, it’s my vice, like how some mofos need weed and food and water nstuff, well I need hair, I. WILL.NOT STOP. some things are just what they are…. #www.hairhatsordie.com!!!

3. Lose 50lbs – yeah, not gonna happen, I’ll give you 20 or 30, but 50lbs would mean a diet free of all sugars and all fats and prolly a chitload of cardio. I love to get my sweat on and I even enjoy eating a healthy diet but I’m not putting a # on the amount of loss I want to see this year, I’m simply gonna do better, make better choices and let the cellulite chips fall where they may…. 

4. Swear off facebook – Again, not gonna happen, I have my days when people’s passive aggressive and ‘woe is me’ status updates makes me wanna pluck my pubic hairs out one by one but the truth of the matter is I lurve this chit! Like what would I do if I couldn’t witness people unraveling via facebook on a daily basis??? It’s kinda like air at this point, so no, I can’t tell the “man I don’t mess with facebook like that” lie, I totally mess with facebook and I won’t stop!

5.Swear off men –  I tell this lie every year, so time to cut the bs. Now I will be on some kind of ‘man diet’ because I am attracting the worst of the worst right now and have been for several months, so I clearly need to step away from the male species for a minute and reevaluate some thangs. A man diet is a more realistic goal, plus my budget doesn’t allow for a complete swearing off, dating has afforded me some of the finest eats a steak loving girl could ever hope for

6. Swear off sex – *ahem* ok well to that I say “I’m am artist, and I’m sensitive about my needs” I know that’s not how that goes but well ya’ll get my drift….

7. Swear off messy broads – Listen you need a hot ass mess girlfriend or two or three to remind you that your ish ain’t as bad as you thought it was, sorry but we all need that chick, so messy broads, I welcome you, please have a seat

8. Swear off wine –  Ha! fat chance! ain’t gonna happen , no way, no how. It’s my fruit serving for the day (and night)…

9. Swear off leggings/jeggings, spandex or anything else of the snug and tight variety – again, not gonna happen! spandex makes me feel loved and cared for, warm and fuzzy even, it’s almost a vice but doesn’t trump hair hats, still…. “can’t stop, won’t stop, eh eh eh eh”

10. Swear off red lipstick – This one I was doing good with for a while, was going with warmer, toastier lip color options but I wasn’t feeling like myself. I live life out loud, like seriously, I don’t have a subdued bone in my curvy body so why did I even try this one??? I love my full lips and I love love love love painting them red and glossy, sue me! if you don’t like it, look away but red is back and here to stay!

11. Swear off cursing – man listen, if mafuaggas would stop pissing me off on a daily I might finally win on this front, but I don’t see that happening any time soon so fug it!

My expectation for the new year is that by not committing to things I know are unrealistic for who I am, it will actually enable me to make decisions and choices that still somehow result in a great year ahead. Know who you are then commit with all your might to that person, once you do that, to me you just can’t go wrong….

What are some of your non – resolution, resolutions? 

Robin Thicke dished to Essence magazine about his new album, “Love After War,” his marriage to his high school sweetheart Paula Patton and whether black women should get down with the swirl.

Robin on interracial relationships…

ESSENCE: The media often tells Black women that they’re better off dating White guys. What’s your response to that?
THICKE: I think that’s ridiculous. There are so many good Black men out there that are hardworking, decent, and handsome, you know? To start that rumor is as bad as starting any other negative rumor. There are great Black men out there. There are only a few good White men — trust me. (Laughs) Good luck finding a good White man who understands your journey. I only have three White friends. I’ve got 20 Black male friends, who are all good men who take good care of their wives, and good care of their children. I know amazing Black men. Maybe the women have to take better care of their men. Maybe you’re being too stubborn. Maybe you’re not saying you’re sorry. You have to take good care of him, too. You have to give love to get love.

Robin on Paula…

ESSENCE: What is Paula’s sexiest quality?
THICKE: It’s her intelligence and her strength. I’ve never met a stronger person who stands by their will and their moral values. She is such an amazing human being. Ever since I met her and we were 16 years old and she was the president of the Black student union and I was just a silly White boy who didn’t understand or have compassion.

I had no animosity, but I just didn’t understand the Black experience in America and how different it is — and most White people can’t. You can’t understand it until you are with somebody every day and you have a child that you know is Black, you then understand that, wow, what a different experience Black people and in particular Black women have to go through.

Robin on orgasms…

ESSENCE: If someone saw you whispering in Paula’s ear, what would you probably be saying?
THICKE: I can’t wait to get you home and love you up for two to three hours. I like to try to get her into double-digit orgasms as much as possible. It doesn’t happen all the time, but when I’ve got my mojo and my swag, it happens. Every few months it’s just like bam — repeated. Repeated! I like her to just be going crazy in the bedroom.

DOUBLE DIGITS???

Read the rest over at Essence…

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There must be a rush to file lawsuits before the new year in Miami. Two of the Basketball Wives are facing legal troubles. First, Evelyn Lozada is being sued for allegedly illegally receiving thousands of dollars from her ex, former NBA player and now broke Antoine Walker. Walker made about $110 million during his basketball career (not counting endorsements). He blew it all (ALLLLL) and filed for bankruptcy last year. Walker gave $560K to Lozada and one of the bankruptcy trustees in Walker’s case thinks the money transfer was an attempt to hide money from his creditors. Walker claims the money went to help Lozada pay bills. The trustee claims it went, instead, to funding Evelyn’s Miami store, Dulce. She claims she used her engagement ring to fund the store. Stay tuned…

Meanwhile, Tami Roman is also being sued… over some hair weave. The owner of a hair company called Bella Dream Hair claims Tami’s “people” asked for some of the company’s product so Tami could try out the weave. But, instead, Tami launched her own product called Curls By Roman. In some of the ads for the hair, Tami is allegedly wearing the Bella Dream Hair weaves and passing it off as her product, so the owner of the company wants $500K from Tami.

Hope she doesn’t find herself Meeka’d.

Image via VH1
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Another day, another turn in the Jackie Magazine saga. The Dutch fashion magazine took some shots this week from Rihanna fans (and, generally common sense-having people) who were outraged at the blatant racism of its article that called Rihanna the “ultimate n*ggab*tch” with a “ghetto ass.”

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It’s no secret that former NBA player Charles Barkley has struggled with his weight through the years. He’s a corn-fed country boy who likes his snacks (I can relate… well, not to the boy part but you get what I’m saying). Sometimes, you like your grits with a side of bacon and whatnot. Now, Sir Charles has gotten a handle on his waistline and is the new face of a Weight Watchers campaign aimed at helping other men lose weight. Unlike Jennifer Hudson’s singing and shouting about feelin’ gooooooodddd, Barkley tells ESPN that he plans to be a different kind of spokesperson.

“Fat-ass men do not go to meetings with other fat-ass men to talk about being fat and losing weight. We just don’t. We just call each other ‘Fat Ass’ all the time instead.”

“I actually told them [Weight Watchers] when we were sitting around talking about ideas, ‘There’s one thong commercial I do want to make.’ So I said, ‘I’d like to come out in a bathing suit like Kirstie Alley did.’”

I’m totally game for seeing that thong commercial. If Jenny can wail, Charles can flaunt his tail! Barkley has lost 50 lbs. so far -35 of them on the Weight Watchers plan- by changing what he eats.

“Now I eat Brussels sprouts, asparagus, cauliflower, even butternut squash. I want to make it clear I’m not overly thrilled with Brussels sprouts. But I’m trying. I’ve eaten more fruit and vegetables in the last few months than I have in the first 48 years of my life. What I found out is, I love green beans.”

Barkley says apparently he was really fat and none of his friends told him so! But it was the slap-in-the-face style news from his doctor that finally made him drop the el-bees. He now hopes to teach his fellow native Alabamans how to eat healthier. He says he has another 40 lbs. go!

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