I was reading Eater DC when I noticed a blurb about former Top Chef contestant Spike Mendelsohn who’s now pushing an acid reflux medicine? Huh? This is like a big slap in the face with a stick of fried butter by our friend in side-eye marketing, Paula Deen. C’mon son! First of all, I’m not a big believer in all these new found prescription medicines to cure one thing and give you a huge case of everything else. Acid reflux? Drink some room temperature water and go for a walk, or take a nap, or smoke something, but that’s another post for another day. Back to Spike. I mean boo you’re a chef so isn’t this like selling out a bit? This does not make me want to eat at your restaurants. I feel like I’ll be burping up my innards for an hour before you arrive on the scene with some pills to make it go away and then I’ll be hooked and suffer from all those side-effects that fast-talking man on television recites in a low voice at the end of a drug commercial; running nose, bloody stools, bloody everything and feeling like I want to gamble…ugh! Isn’t this like the makers of exlax also selling Depends? What say you Brewchies? Witch out!

 

Aww yeah baby. Settle in and get a load of this smooth groove from the man who wants to show you how your p—y works. Brian McKnight put the finishing touches on the fiasco of a song that hit the internet last week and dare I say, the tune kinda works (pun intended) in the strangest of ways. Anyway, take a listen and tell us what you think.

I still laugh at the thought of him showing me how anything works.

If you want to put this in your rotation, it’s now available on iTunes. For just a buck-29, you can learn how your vagicat works.

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Bobby Brown sat down for his first interview since Whitney Houston’s death with mah sweet balding boo Matt Lauer of the Today Show. During the chat fest, Matt gets to the point and asks what everyone wants to know and what many people have long assumed: did Bobby get Whitney hooked on drugs? His answer: NO!

Bobby told Matt about the last time he saw Whitney, about a week before she died:

“She had this glow about her that was just, you know, incredible. I’m saying to myself, you know, ‘She must be… she must be doing really well,’ because she looked really well.”

Three of Bobby’s children and his fiancée join him for the interview which will air in two parts (Wednesday and Thursday) on Today. So, will you watch?

Image via NBC
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So I’m a pretty sturdy girl, not necessarily a certified USDA fluff-en-heimer but pretty damn sturdy, but just because ‘Vogue’ magazine won’t be banging my door down anytime soon to do a cover does not mean that I don’t thoroughly enjoy gettin my thickums sweat on. I mean I goes hard! I figure it’s 45 mins to an hour outta my day so I mine as well go ape shit with it. I make sure I have about 20 songs worth of gangsta rap on my ipod and I get it poppin, in other words… chunkles don’t play!

So in saying that, it truly disturbs me what I see when I go to the gym. Ladies with multi-guts strolling ever so gingerly on the treadmill with their homie by their side as they catch each other up on the days’ events, fellas with Pheadra Parks donkey booties taking slow strolls around all the equipment but not using any of it because the main thing they are there for is to troll for bishes….. sir at quick glance you look like a Lane Bryant model, is you serious???

Now this is not me bashing the swole folk, I’m down with them so I’m not going there, alls I’m saying is cut the bullchit and make it happen! Everybody ain’t trying to be a size 6 but everyone shoud be trying to be healthy and working up a good, focused sweat is good for everybody no matter what size you are. 

I’m always getting people coming up to me telling me how watching me go at it so hard really gets them going….. THEN GO! stop watching and GO!

We only get one life, you mine as well feel good about yourself while you’re navigating through it.

 

pic/Jesad.com

I hate food pictures on Facebook or Twit for Twats. THEY. GROSS. ME. OUT.  That slab of yard bird drizzled with some fake General Tso sauce does not make me hungry hunty, nor jealous of that dinner date you’ll have to pay back in punany later on. Anypieholeway, simply put your platter pictures make me wanna barf! But before you clapback, I’m not alone on this! My almost friends music comedians The Key of Awesome created a video about it called “Eat It, Don’t Tweet It” for all you frustrated foodies who are too busy snapping flicks instead of pleasing your palettes. Bon Appétit Brewchies!

Witch Out!

I don’t know what Brian McKnight has been doing lately and, frankly, I don’t really care. I haven’t checked for him since, well… ever. I think he once had a TV show and a radio show or whatever. But, anywho, in the quest to remain relevant, Sir McKnight is releasing a freaky mixtape and now finds himself actually trending on Twitter (that’s like, a celebrity goal these days). He dropped a snippet of the first song and he calls it… wait for it…
Taste The Brew for the video

So it’s a cloudy, rainy day in the DMV, I woke up this morning wanting a yummy breakfast snack, some hot tea and maybe a shower…… maybe (depending on how strong my lazy game is, something about a rainy Sunday makes a clean body seem unncessary…) So anyhoo, I’m minding my bitness, as usual, and I wake up to 3 text messages from 3 different fellas…. all wanting to know what I’m doing today. Translation: “hey girl, it’s raining, can I come over and hit it?” Come on man!!  I often wonder if even men get tired of their own b.s. but I’m guessing no. Yes it’s a rainy Sunday, the conditions are perfect for a day of snacks and humping but for some odd reason the thought of some random, horny (and likely hungry cat expecting me to cook for him) is the last thing I wanna entertain.

I wanna lay in my bed, watch ‘Lifetime’ or the ‘Girlfriends’ marathon on Centric, maybe wash some clothes, maybe wash my ass, eat some snacks and fiddle around on facebook all day. See how none of that included a peen??? Sirs keep your sometimesy peen and your ill intentions and gift that ish to some other broad who may be interested. 

BUZZ OFF!!!!!

OK, I’m just going to say it up-front… “Think Like A Man” did not suck. In fact it had moments where it was downright charming. As completely stupid as I think that man’s book is, and as much as I believe that his ‘advice’ is nothing but common sense  dressed up in sexist down-homeism  and LAWD knows the idea of taking advice from Mr. Hightower  of many failed marriages makes my skin crawl.  I mean the man was on the advisory board of Bullet Head and Romeo, are you kidding me?

All of those prejudices against the man with the  79 piece buttons suits aside, I have to admit:  The movie surrounding the Oprah induced hype of his advice book, was *gulp*good. There. I said it.

Will it revolutionize Negroidian Cinema. No. Does it have to? I don’t think so. There are mediocre films being spit out by Hollywood on a daily basis, that aren’t even trying to be ORIGINAL material. So, kudos on someone cranking out an original script (albiet based on the Rom-Com play book).

Let me address the comments of preconceived judgments on our Facebook Fan page (LIKE Us, you t’aint got nothing better to do!)

THE SAME OLD BLACK ACTORS

Yes, these actually are the same old black actors. And for once none of them made my skin crawl.  Meggings DSL Good was not a slorey whore.  Taraji P. Henson was not a caterwauling watery eyed negress. Kevin Hart was used as completely ridiculously and effective comedic  exposition. Romany Malco (my sweet chocolate baby) brought the sexy and toned down his ‘commercial movie’ hijinxs.  Michael Ealy was fine, sorry he just can’t get out of that role, such is his lot in life.  Gabrielle Union was at least 90% less uptight entitled bitch. Regina Hall was actually allowed to be more than the poor man’s Sanaa Lathan. Even Terrence J. was adorkable.

And funny, when those horrible non-negroid romantic comedies get cast, you realize THOSE are the same non-black actors too? Ben Stiller and Owen Wilson have sucked in everything they have given us as a duo besides “Zoolander”. Hell, Drew Barrymore has built an entire career on being a sweet faced lisping ingenue. At 50. When Will Farrell and Jon C. Reilly make the same movie over and over and over, critics consider them comedy-brilliant. Alas, that’s the power of the Fooking Catalina Wine Mixer.  Hell, Hollywood has us so twisted that  Cameron Diaz has been butterfacing it up as the hot girl for more than a decade. All I’m saying is… the SAME actors are in rotation, IN GENERAL. Big Hollywood movies  are made by relationships and the ability to bring in money, clearly not raw unbridled talent. Hi, Tom Cruise.

It’s nice to finally see our same actors used in a lovely and classy manner.

STEREOTYPICAL

Nope no stereotypes here son.

The jokes were actually funny, there was no stereotypical neck popping, eye rolling. It was actually what we as a people have been saying we have been wanting all along. “Why can’t we have a regular ass romantic comedy?” Well dammit, it pains me to say it…but since the “Best Man” this just might be our “regular ass rom-com”.  Actually at one point my fave dude  and I turned to each other and said ‘that is sooo us.’   When can you say is the last time you have seen yourself in a typical rom-com, and the person actually LOOKED like you? I feel dirty.

THE BAD

I could have done with at least 100% less Steve Harvey, who served as somewhat of a shilling talking head, giving running commentary throughout the movie. We didn’t need that. It felt like a long line infomercial intercut through an actually good movie.

Lala Anthony, luckily she was given the role as homely best friend and while she was on screen I got to eat the Five Guys burger I brought into the theater with me. But man, Lady Fetch can’t act. Oh and speaking of bad acting… um is Chris Ike Brown functionally ‘tarded? Dude so learned his 10 lines phonetically. Bless his Forrest Gump heart. Gratefully both were on screen in small doses.

“The Cookie”…my vagi-cat is not a cookie. I cannot stand cloying cutesie names for female genitalia. I only use vagi-cat because the other word I wanna use will filter our website as Pr0n.

THE GOOD

The many random ass cameos. No electric slide. Actually—no line dancing at all… No church scenes. No woman getting beaten down only to be brought back by the love of one good light skindded blue collared man.  Men being real FRIENDS to one another.  Men showing vulnerablity to their women. Men committing to women…ON THEIR OWN.

Dammit Mr. Hightower, you did good.

That’s the gazillion dollar question! Because I really can’t tell from your 5,011 vacation pics you posted WHILE on vacation. Now, I’m not saying you shouldn’t beam up that first cliché picture of your sandy feet or standing in front of the Eiffel because I am happy you’re seeing the world. What I don’t need to see is your wife’s wack ass espadrilles and entire maxi dress collection from Kohl’s.

Vacation should be a time to unplug and relax. You pay thousands to get away from the same mofo’s you want to impress with all these fake fun pictures. If you’re so busy trying to upload flicks or clapback at their comments, how are you really having fun? I don’t care that you swam with the dolphins, or sharted with the sharks! I really don’t need to see your bloated dinner plate, EVERY night. Food pictures kinda gross me out anyway, but that’s a whole other post. Bottom-line; LET. US. MISS. YOU. BOO. Oh, and when you get back, edit that album a bit before you post it; 10-15 pictures maximum and leave out this one.

Remember, I beat you because I love you. Witch out!

Basketball Wives punching bag Jennifer Williams is suing Nia Crooks, her former friend and assistant of her other former friend, Evelyn Lozada (are you keeping up?). If you watched the show Monday night, then you saw this open-handed smack in the mouf…

Crooks claims she bent over backwards to help Williams during her divorce from former NBA player Eric Williams and now Jennifer is acting all brand new with her new crop of friends (wink wink, Al Reynolds, NeNe Leakes, etc…). Williams pretty much ignored Nia during the show, until that argument and fight broke out. Williams claims the slap left her with a whiplash-like neck injury and post traumatic stress. She told the NY Daily News, “I didn’t watch the video for a long time because I lived it. It’s disturbing. It’s humiliating. I get anxiety just thinking about it. She hit me with her open hand on my cheek. I’ve never been hit in my life. Violence used against any person is wrong but when a woman hits another woman it sets a horrible example for young girls everywhere. I choose to use the justice system to fight back.” Um, what do these broads think they’re signing up for? Shop, eat, argue, make up, argue some more, fight, drink, then go out to eat again. Isn’t that the formula for this nonsense?

Jennifer –who claimed during the show that Nia doesn’t even have anything to win in a lawsuit–is seeking unspecified damages. Word is Jenn is also planning a press conference to talk about the lawsuit.

If you missed the show, don’t fool with your DVR (you’ll never get those brain cells back), let my YouTube friend in my head, Funky Dineva, give you the quick recap. Trust. It’s worth it.

Image via Jesse Ward/NY Daily News
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An Egyptian man who went online to watch p0rn for the first time out of curiousity (*side eye*) was shocked to find out his wife had the starring role in eleven…count them, E-LEBBIN films. The man, who goes by “Ramadan,” says he fell out on the floor at the internet shop upon noticing his wife in the films (presumably, on all fours bangin’ in a turban, humpin’ in a hijab, Debbie was doing De Nile – I could really go on for days here). The wife initially denied it but later confessed that she never loved Ramadan, despite the 16 years and four kids they share. Cold, Debbie. That’s cold. It’s not clear if Ramadan plans to file for divorce.

Would you stick around if your spouse had a p0rny past?

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Terrell Owens and alllll his babies’ mommas to appear on Dr. Phil

Love & Hip Hop’s Somaya Reece got her bewbs reduced

Win a date with #RHOA’s Sheree Whitfield… for charity

Wanna smell like Nicki Minaj?

Heidi Montag is still trying for that 15th minute, huh?

More jail for Mystikal

Angelina Jolie’s non-manicured hands are hurting my spirit

Basketball Wives’ Royce Reed’s relationship with her 50-11th TV boo gets aired out by his baby momma #messy

Don’t forget to check out our fellow bloggers under the Brewshyt tab…there’s always good stuff there too!

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