I don’t watch televised drafts on a regular, but I have watched enough to know that I don’t like how some of your mommas act. Tonight, millionaires will be made when the NBA holds its 2012 draft so that gives us a few hours to get some “get right”.  So I’ve come up with a list of the stuff White Jesus frowns down on. You can thank me later, as Drake likes to say:

1) No excessive jumping, coon clapping or screaming ‘Hallelujers’!

2) No leopard, Easter Sunday attire and NO head to toe matching.

3) Tame your hair hats. If need be run and get a new one, like from the more sensible Vivica Fox collection.

4) 1 kid minimum and make sure she/he matches the baby’s mouva you’re bringing along.

5) No stepping, line or praise dancing in the aisle.  

6) No sunglasses inside, ever!

I could go on and on…but I think this covers the essential bamma habits. Don’t forget instant riches brings out the worse in people, so after your baby retires you, use that free time to take an investment class to help keep him on the right track and please don’t let ESPN do the “woe is this family who fought from the dirty streets of xyz city and now they’re living in a deluxe apartment in the sky” stories! 

Exhibit A on how NOT to act:

Gotta love Ann Iverson

*TAPS ON MICROPHONE, CLEARS THROAT* 

I’d like to address the Cougars of the US of A.  You guys are losing your shit.  Back in the golden days of 2006,  A “Cougar” was a strong woman of a certain age owning her sexual prowess and living without apologies by taking a young virile lovah.  But you bishes have gone and caught feelings for your tender prey and now we have a  sad state of affairs. You guys are losing all perspective of this ‘cougar’ thing and frankly making me freaked out for my impending Cougardom.  It’s time to take stock and organize for the sanctity of future of Cougars. You bitches will NOT ruin this for me, You hear me!?

Cougar Empress Demi FRIGGEN Moore, has gone all Seasoned Kitty Down. She’s huffing Nitrous  oxide (allegedly), wondering in the press, if she’s worthy of love.  I mean I didn’t even know wtf a ‘whip-it’ was before Demi’s chopped and screwed highly edited, 911 call, why? Because, apparently that’s a kiddie drug. COME ON. Let’s have some dignity here. A grown woman HAS to imbibe in a more dignified form of intoxication.  Something that can be smoked from a hand blown Murano glass pipe, if you insist.  

Case of Cougar Down: Exhibit A

Clearly she’s been crying for help for a while now. If   MILF Gone Wild, grinding on SNOOP of all people, wasn’t the first sign of some ‘issues’ I don’t know what was. C’mon Son! Snoop’s WIFE, doesn’t even grind on Snoop!  Lady…ma’am,  ASHTON FOCKING KUTCHER, cannot make you man down like this.  First off, He is a SHIT ACTOR.  He’s made a career  of being a human sheep dog in a Trucker hat.  His lame mediocre ass is exactly what is wrong with America.  Yes. America!  Like my sister Witch,  said before:  YOU ARE DEMI FOCKING MOORE! Grow a set, trick! #toughlove

Case of Cougar Down: Exhibit B

He's really protected from sun damage. At night. In a club.

Now, to address the negroidian side of town.  The Urban Ambassador of all things Cougar, Auntie Viv’s,  face is looking tighter than a drum yet melting at the same time.    As we’ve covered here before, her surprising *eyeroll*  demise of her relationship with her youngin’ fiance Slimmmmmmm, seems to have turned her once lovely face into a well…something else.

Is it worth it? Is it worth chopping and screwing your God given beauty to remain ‘young looking’ enough to bag the young and full of… erm, fun? You realize that no one believes that a natural skin texture is that of a smooth fruit rollup, right?

Is this behavior any better than the men we accuse of having a midlife crisis toting around bobble head girls half their age, driving penis mobiles? What are you showing your daughters about aging if you are pissy anytime someone notices that you are no-spring chicken and your young man looks like your trading sexual favors for kegs of beer?  A hot lady of a certain age, does NOT need the rep of “Frat House Sex Mom” COME ON!  **  By the way, not all of you older women are hot. So can you take your Cougaring ass to the gym (heart health and such) , and get some clothes that are APPROPRIATE  not only for your age but for your size and shape? Yea. I said it.

This one has the BEST passport stamps!

I’m not saying that true love cannot win out despite age and at a certain age- I think it all evens out anyway.   But if you are chopping and screwing yourself, and bending the hands of time, like Magneto can bend Golden Gate bridge, what are you saying about yourself?  Do all of all of the years that have made YOU, and your hard earned accomplishments mean nothing?   Why are you discounting the true natural beauty of the aging process?

It seems to me the only one doing this Cougar thing right is Jenny From the Gated Community.  Her face still looks like HER FACE. She is wearing amazing age appropriate attire (no mom jeans/ no ”I see she waxes” super short skirts) And after years of being married to Latino Skeletor, she’s treating her vagicat to something young,  festive and (as a dancer likely) ”bendy”.   She’s dressing him up like a brand new doll, and I would not be surprised if she married him. You know Lady Sazon Loves a murriage.  But one thing we know for sure…Jenny don’t love those hoes.  Ask: Chris Judd, Ojani Noa and PDiddily Puff-Puff.

Dressed up this one, til on to the next one..

Vivica Fox is opening up about her breakup with the club promoting and Double M-using Omar “Slimm” White. She tells Access Hollywood Live that she had the courage to end it after seeing the warning signs.

Hmmm… “make sure someone isn’t trying to marry you for a shopping spree.” #BAM. And there it is.

If it’s not working out, it’s okay to keep it moving and love ‘em from a distance (I still say she needs a nice, older guy who has no extra MMMMMMMs in his name).

*Ok, seriously, finding a picture to match the changes in her face was really exhausting, so I quit looking.
Want more Witches’ Brew?
Like us | Follow us | Get fed | Shop the store | Circle us

Times are hard on the boulevard. Vivica Fox still isn’t talking about her breakup (other than this tweet) but her former fiancé, Omar “Slimm” White is. He tells TooFab that he’s the one who dropped the ax on the relationship.

“She’s a good woman, it’s just one of those situations where in life people outgrow each other. I’m highly intelligent, very wise and one thing I hate is negativity and drama, I hate arguing, and I value communication no matter what the problem may be. So as in any relationship, tension can build up and I finally had to walk away. I was only in it for love and it just didn’t work out. Even though she was older than me (Witch note: Slimm is 19 years Vivica’s junior) the age difference didn’t play a part.“

This guy seems to like to go public about the goings on with his woman. Remember when he dumped her before -via a press release- and then retracted it the next day?

Furthermore… do smart people have to tell people they’re highly smart though? Isn’t that like having to remind people you’re classy?

Really!

Is Vivica Fox back on the market? Word on the block is her engagement to and relationship with Atlanta promoter Slimm is over. The YBF reports Viv was all over Atlanta this weekend without Slimm (don’t forget, that’s two Ms, y’all) and her engagement ring. She didn’t attend his Halloween party either but she did manage to “Watch The Throne” without him. A source says their relationship has “been over.” Neither Vivica’s nor Slimm’s camp (he’s got a camp, I’d imagine) are talking. I like Aunty Viv. I want her to find a nice, of age dude who has nothing to do with the business or any hopes of using her to jump into the business. But anyhoodles…

Stay tuned…

Spotted
Want more Witches’ Brew?
Like us | Follow us | Get fed | Shop the store

Something seems really..."Tight"...

Elphaba:  Especially when you think she cannot be unhappy with her looks,  b/c she’s so ATTRACTIVE.

Piper:  Right! Goodness

 Elphaba:  And if she thinks that little of herself what about actual DOGS? What hope is there for them?

Piper:  And this young man she’s engaged to marry can’t think this is goot.  Fiddy is prolly like “damn lady, I feel bad for pushing you to this”

Elphaba:  I SO BLAME HIM!! It’s like she thought he was her last shot at EVERYTHING

Piper:  Everything…..

Sweet WJ, Blue Contacts were involved?

Elphaba:  happiness love, loving herself. THE FOCK?  A man cannot be what keeps you teetering on the brink  of  low self esteem and insanity.

But you know what? A 50 year old broad engaged to a man named SLIMM, marrying a man named  SIXX NINE.. SURRIOUSLY?

Piper:  Yeah you know what, EXACTLY! Her bad!

The Sixx-Nine's in Happier Times

Elphaba:  OH, OH and FIDDY…A GROWN MAN CALLIN HE’SELF FIDDY.  OMG, I’m officially an old woman!

Piper:  No, we are sensible and you just don’t marry/date mofo’s who go by nicknames..

 Elphaba:  Right as their name, in the skreets!  SIXX NINE?? And you aint got no record deal?  50, fine..fine..fine..it’s 50. In de club. But, huh?

Piper: Ain’t gonna lie, with that body Fiddy mighta got me  too, but 6’9???? no fucking way!

Caveman Fitness

 Elphaba:  lol!  Right, I’mma give you an evolutionary pass, for the workouts an’ such.   BUT SIXX—NINNE??? And now you’re literally 50 years old betrothed to a bamma named SLIMM WITH MULTIPLE MMMS??!

Piper:  LMAO!!!! I gotta be honest; it’s the 3 M’s!

 Elphaba:  like HUH?? I feel like he’s mocking me.  I mean are the extra M’s so we know he’s MMMMM GOOD?

The Future Slimmmmmmmm Family

Vivica Fox is a bride to be! Her rep confirms the the 46 year old actress got engaged to her 27 year old boyfriend, Omar “Slimm” White, over the holidays. The New York Post reports Slimm popped the question the day after Christmas in South Beach with an 8-karat ring. The two have been dating for just over a year. This will be Fox’s second marriage…remember, she was married to that dude Six Nine, 6’9”, whatever (why doesn’t she date men with real names? Is a “Michael” so bad?). Anyway, congratulations to them.  Viv told Wendy Williams she’s ready to procreate…so expect that announcement soon.

I bet Viv’s bridal registry is in a Cambodian village. Cambodian hair is the new black.

UPDATE: Here’s the gaudy ring…

Want more Witches’ Brew?
Like us | Follow us | Get fed

Grandma Vivica might want to think twice before she comes at Monica again. Like the rest of us, Vivica Fox was not feeling Monica’s batwing dress at the BET Awards, so she shared her thoughts as part of her job as BET’s fashion correspondent or whatever (Auntie Viv will collect a check, won’t she?).

Once Monica heard about the diss, she went to Twitter (where else?) to air Viv out:

#POW

Then after a few more tweets, Monica -being the survivor, still standing, I been dragged through the mud, yaada yaada kinda girl she is- tweeted that she’s not going to expend any more energy on the situation.

Now, the two have talked and it’s all gravy:

Mmmmm hmmmmm.

Yeah, he’s not buying it either…

GIF

Want more Witches’ Brew? Add our feed & follow us on Twitter!

Here’s Vivica Fox (center) … and her very raised cheekbones at a recent shoot for the NOH8 campaign.

And here’s “Madame” from Solid Gold.

Slippery slope people, slippery slope. Avoid the knife, BooBoo!

Want more Witches’ Brew? Add our feed to your RSS reader.

The innawebs are ablaze that 45 year old Vivica Fox may be engaged to her 26-ish boyfriend, party promoter (I cringe typing that) Slimm.

Vivica was spotted wearing a ring on her left hand at an event in New York City Thursday. Could just be a “I’ve got money so I buy my own rangs” ring. Hey, whatever floats your boat baby.

Is it me or does she always look like she scored big and he just looks like… well…?

Anyway, stay tuned…

Spotted

Want more Witches’ Brew? Add our feed to your RSS reader.

50 Cent has lost a quarter of his body weight for a movie role. We already told you how he had his tatts lasered off to support his acting career. Now, he’s starved himself to play a football player turned cancer victim in the film, “Things Fall Apart.”  Fiddy dropped from 214 lbs. to 160 lbs. with a liquid diet and 3-hour a day treadmill sessions over a 9 week period.  I think Vivica’s wig weighs more than him.  Hell, Ciara’s lacefront might weigh more.

Now, provided this film actually hits theatres and doesn’t hop skrait to Netflix, this could be a good move for Curtis.  Ya’ll know how the Academy loves a drastic weight loss and an uglying-up come Oscar time.

Fiddy fans need not worry, he’s already working on gaining the weight back.

Source

Lawd help me! BET has run out of actual bad black movies to show that they’re now rolling that bean footage on the chitlin’ circuit.

This Sunday, the Negro network plans to premiere “Whatever She Wants,” starring Vivica Fox and Boris Kodjoe. It’s a Je’Caryous Johnson stage play that made the rounds a couple of years ago in hoods near you.  Now, it’s coming on your teevay (provided you paid your cable bill… #justsayin).

Here’s a clip:

I swear, why isn’t Fox news covering this?

“Whatever She Wants” airs this Sunday, May 23rd at 5:30 pm (ET) on BET.

So, will you watch?