*TAPS ON MICROPHONE, CLEARS THROAT*
I’d like to address the Cougars of the US of A. You guys are losing your shit. Back in the golden days of 2006, A “Cougar” was a strong woman of a certain age owning her sexual prowess and living without apologies by taking a young virile lovah. But you bishes have gone and caught feelings for your tender prey and now we have a sad state of affairs. You guys are losing all perspective of this ‘cougar’ thing and frankly making me freaked out for my impending Cougardom. It’s time to take stock and organize for the sanctity of future of Cougars. You bitches will NOT ruin this for me, You hear me!?
Cougar Empress Demi FRIGGEN Moore, has gone all Seasoned Kitty Down. She’s huffing Nitrous oxide (allegedly), wondering in the press, if she’s worthy of love. I mean I didn’t even know wtf a ‘whip-it’ was before Demi’s chopped and screwed highly edited, 911 call, why? Because, apparently that’s a kiddie drug. COME ON. Let’s have some dignity here. A grown woman HAS to imbibe in a more dignified form of intoxication. Something that can be smoked from a hand blown Murano glass pipe, if you insist.
Case of Cougar Down: Exhibit A
Clearly she’s been crying for help for a while now. If MILF Gone Wild, grinding on SNOOP of all people, wasn’t the first sign of some ‘issues’ I don’t know what was. C’mon Son! Snoop’s WIFE, doesn’t even grind on Snoop! Lady…ma’am, ASHTON FOCKING KUTCHER, cannot make you man down like this. First off, He is a SHIT ACTOR. He’s made a career of being a human sheep dog in a Trucker hat. His lame mediocre ass is exactly what is wrong with America. Yes. America! Like my sister Witch, said before: YOU ARE DEMI FOCKING MOORE! Grow a set, trick! #toughlove
Case of Cougar Down: Exhibit B
He's really protected from sun damage. At night. In a club.
Now, to address the negroidian side of town. The Urban Ambassador of all things Cougar, Auntie Viv’s, face is looking tighter than a drum yet melting at the same time. As we’ve covered here before, her surprising *eyeroll* demise of her relationship with her youngin’ fiance Slimmmmmmm, seems to have turned her once lovely face into a well…something else.
Is it worth it? Is it worth chopping and screwing your God given beauty to remain ‘young looking’ enough to bag the young and full of… erm, fun? You realize that no one believes that a natural skin texture is that of a smooth fruit rollup, right?
Is this behavior any better than the men we accuse of having a midlife crisis toting around bobble head girls half their age, driving penis mobiles? What are you showing your daughters about aging if you are pissy anytime someone notices that you are no-spring chicken and your young man looks like your trading sexual favors for kegs of beer? A hot lady of a certain age, does NOT need the rep of “Frat House Sex Mom” COME ON! ** By the way, not all of you older women are hot. So can you take your Cougaring ass to the gym (heart health and such) , and get some clothes that are APPROPRIATE not only for your age but for your size and shape? Yea. I said it.
This one has the BEST passport stamps!
I’m not saying that true love cannot win out despite age and at a certain age- I think it all evens out anyway. But if you are chopping and screwing yourself, and bending the hands of time, like Magneto can bend Golden Gate bridge, what are you saying about yourself? Do all of all of the years that have made YOU, and your hard earned accomplishments mean nothing? Why are you discounting the true natural beauty of the aging process?
It seems to me the only one doing this Cougar thing right is Jenny From the Gated Community. Her face still looks like HER FACE. She is wearing amazing age appropriate attire (no mom jeans/ no ”I see she waxes” super short skirts) And after years of being married to Latino Skeletor, she’s treating her vagicat to something young, festive and (as a dancer likely) ”bendy”. She’s dressing him up like a brand new doll, and I would not be surprised if she married him. You know Lady Sazon Loves a murriage. But one thing we know for sure…Jenny don’t love those hoes. Ask: Chris Judd, Ojani Noa and PDiddily Puff-Puff.
Dressed up this one, til on to the next one..
In conclusion: Get it together, Bishes.
The next Generation of Cougars need you not to mess this thing up, for us!