This is ALL he's gettin'...

A Brewchie Writes in: Hey Dudes, I just started seeing a new guy; I told him that I like to take my time to become intimate with someone and really to get to know them first. He said he was cool with that, but he was still going to sleep with other people as we ‘get to know each other’. What should I do? -Holding On To Da Draws

 Phlip: It seems to me that she is holding off on physical interaction before being in a relationship with someone, and there is simply a difference of opinion on his part. In his mind, he is not in a relationship with him, nor is there any level of exclusivity implied on his part. Much respect to him for being honest with her as it relates to it too. As far as “what should I do?” it comes down to how she chooses to receive this information. It is apparent that some physical attention is important to him and that given that he has not yet established a “home” from which to receive it, he will get it where he gets it until he does. Is she willing to “get to know” him knowing what could be happening on the other side? If not, does she realize that he has made it succinctly clear that she has no claims of ownership to make yet. Not that I know either party here, but it seems that their ideals are quite opposite and that they might not make a great match given this one fundamental difference and would hope that she is as honest with herself as he has been with her and acts accordingly.

SuPreme: What should you “do”?? Well – use common sense, first off. If you’ve explained your position to a guy, and he’s like “I’m gonna get it in while you put me on nookie probation” – well, then, you have to respect his honesty. Now make the decision if you’re okay with that. REALLY decide it. Because I understand where both of you are coming from. Are you okay knowing he’s going to have other options? If so, go ahead and keep dating – but make SURE you’ve searched your feelings on it. However – I don’t think many people WOULD be okay with that. And if you’re one of those people, move on. Find a guy who fits into what you want and respects that decision. You start compromising for one guy, you’ll compromise for the next guy or guys. It would be better to know if you guys have been dating for a while or if this was a conversation had after a very short time. If it’s the latter – why are you even considering this? Move on.

Brewchies, what say you? Can you take your time to ”get to know” someone who is currently “knowledgable about” other people?  Should you automatically chuck deuces to a guy who isn’t willing to play by your rules? Fellas, are you willing to take your time to get to know someone without humping, or is this just a ‘quaint’ idea?

Whisper sing us out, Damita Jo

It happens more often than we’d like to admit, you just don’t undersand why the guy  you are regularly hanging and smanging with just don’t seem to be on the same page, as you.   He seems to like you just fine – he’s pleasant and kind, but things just aren’t all that gooey vomity love, like-Titanic– in 3 D.  (Ok seriously, I hated that movie, they had to put that ish in 3D?! Because 2 D wasn’t long, and annoying enough? You need the boringness (yes- new word) to come ATCHA!?) And you really want some Heart Will Go On Action (typing that just made me puke on my keyboard). Near far… wherever you… are black on black  JackMalik and Rose*tta’isha LOVE!

Have you ever found yourself exclaiming “I just need more from the person I’m dating?!”…(needle on a record sound there… aw remember records, no? Eff you, youngin’.) 

Perhaps that’s the root of the problem, we need to define that word once and for all.

Dating.  One simple word can mean many things depending on your perspective.

So, let’s see if the Dudes can help us get some clarity.

How do you define “Dating”? 

Are there levels to it, like does seeing someone once a month NOT equal dating them? Is dating someone exclusively any different from them being considered your girlfriend?  How/how not?  Or is all of this just wacky semantics designed to keep the black man down? What say you?

*****

SuPreme moves like Jagger

SuPreme:  Well, there is no truly no rhyme or reason on this – men DEFINITELY don’t think the same on this, and neither do women. It depends on age, culture, environment, etc. – so many things. So this is just me personally – not speaking for men in general…

Dating for me is me and a woman going out somewhat regularly. If we’re calling each other weekly and consistently making plans to get together – with obvious romantic talk and actions – we’re dating. Doesn’t mean we’re exclusive. We can get to that point, but that doesn’t prohibit me from going out with someone else, and I’m open about that. Same for the woman.

I personally don’t sleep with multiple women on a rotating basis – meaning, if I’m dating a woman, and also going out with another – and woman A and I are intimate – I’m not also sleeping with woman B. Even if she wants to. If I feel strongly enough about woman B, I cut off the sexual encounters with woman A – and most likely stop dating her. Dating for me is more casual – we go out, enjoy each other’s company, vibe – see if we’re working towards something more; see if we fit.

The last woman I dated – we dated probably for a year. Exclusively. No, we weren’t boyfriend & girlfriend, but we pretty much only saw each other, and definitely only had sex with each other. But we never got to boyfriend/girlfriend – which to me is just a deeper connection. We weren’t showing up at formal events together, and we weren’t chilling with each other’s friends and families like that – it was just us. When she got a job in another city – there was no need to “break up” – we enjoyed each other’s company and time, and remained friends. But we obviously weren’t dating any more. Had we been boyfriend/girlfriend, we would’ve had to talk about where we went from there – do I move with her? Does she turn the job down? Etc…

So I DO think there are different levels of dating, like casual dating and exclusive dating. And exclusive dating doesn’t mean boyfriend/girlfriend to me. Now another guy? Might have a TOTALLY different take on things.

It's UN-possible to be Funkier Than George

DUDE DARKNESS:  1- Levels To Dating.. YES!
 
2- Seeing somebody once a month does NOT by default equal dating them! There are questions to be considered…What happens when you guys get together… is there distance involved preventing daily contact… did you guys agree to a relationship or PLAY IT BY EAR status… did you AGREE to being  BOOTY CALL CHIC and want to move from SIDE CHIC to MAIN CHIC without LETTING HIM KNOW…. or did you agree to be booty call chic KNOWING DAMN WELL that you want MAIN CHIC status and all along knew from the BEGINNING you were going to accept the position just to get your foot in the door and hope he gets used to you so you can move on up??!!!
 
3- Exclusive dating does equal boyfriend \ girlfriend status… DUH.. What the H-LL else does EXCLUSIVE mean??? You and 5 other people???
 
4 – PAY ATTENTION … EVERYTHING IS DESIGNED TO KEEP THE BLACK MAN DOWN… NOW-A-DAYS ( Treyvon Martin and Alabama Shootings ) THEY JUST SHOOTING US IN THE STREETS LIKE THEY’RE BIG GAME HUNTING AND WE’RE BIG GAME!!!!

Iggy Pop's my retinas

 Phlip!:  To me, a “date” is anything with a level of romantic interest involved, no matter the “level,” as described. Once a week, once a month, every couple of months. If there is even the possibility of some interest there then it is a date.
Dating someone exclusively is different from being their boy/girlfriend. Just because that person is the only one you’re seeing at a time doesn’t necessarily make them your significant other until both you have agreed to that position. Sure, it is the last step before being in a committed relationship, but “dating exclusively” is wildly different from “in a relationship” in that the latter suggests that you are off the market while the former suggests that you’re still open to applications.

Crotch Shot sponsored by Poise

 Elphaba: Sooo…who’s more confused than before? *raises hand* I guess the only solution is to TALK to the person you are seeing, and negotiate terms that you’re comfortable with. It would be really bad to assume you’re working on a commited relationship, when his definition of your relationship looks like a revolving door.  A guy actually, told me that once…true story.  He told me he thought of his dating life as a revolving door, then he asked me to dinner. I can’t make this ish up.  I had the lobster, and everything that happened after that I take full responsiblity for.  And STILL I rise?

Brewchies what’s your take on the often  confusing  ”D” word?

"Look, I dont care if you have a 'fresh clean towel', I'm outta here!"

Witch E. apparently has always had a non-judgemental goofy friendly  face that says ‘Tell me all of your intimate gross arse business!” and once at Uni (Witch E. also likes to talk as if she is from London AND in the 3rd person) she had a guy friend pull her to the side seething about a midnight encounter he had with a “lady” and mutual friend.

“Can you believe that HEFFA asked me to pull her tampon out FOR HER?!”  Hightop fade with the swoopy dyed swirl in the front, spat into her ear in front of the student Union.   New Jack Swing played on a cassette in the distance.

“What did you do?”  Young, African Medallion-ed Asymmetrical Haircut Witch E. cringed as she asked.

“I kicked that broad out of my dorm room!” HTF looked disgusted. But Witch E. was proud of her homie and his standards. Thus starting a long career of an often way too open dialogue with Dudes.

She would  always wonder, what were other deal breakers for seemingly always wanting to smush smush fellows.  Surely men are not as indiscriminate as the media makes them out to be. Thank goodness for THE DUDES!

Sooo Fellas, Happy Holidays and all of that…

What are your sexy time deal breakers?

If you are getting frisky with a ladygal, and she asked you to do (Insert Crazy-ish here) what would make you say ‘Yea… you know what? I’m outta here!”

Dude Darkness:  Having Sex with:

• Farm Animals
• Smurfs
• Sesame Street Characters
• Dress Up as Barney
• Choke Her \ Me – Pee on Her \ Me 
• Whips – Chains – Handcuffs – SAFE WORDS!!!!

ALL of those things Equal = ” Ahh… Yeah… Just remembered… I have something to do” “And what would that be? “.  “LEAVE!!!!”

Rev Real:  That’s easy.

• Anything involving a strap on.
• Anything involving another dude.
• Anything involving my arse. It’s a one-way street, son.
• Anything that has her smelling like something with scales.
• Anything that requires me to get fully out of character.

No, I will not be your Ike Turner. But I will be a slimmed-down Bookman and come into your apartment naked with just my tool belt and 250 keys.

Phlip! It Good: *shortest answer ever* Buttplay, game over.

Big In Europe:  I’m pretty much open to damn there anything. I’d have to say if she says “scat play”, I’m breaking the fuck out. I don’t deal with the poo-poo play. I’m not into necrophilia either. If I wanted cold p*ssy, I’d break out the Bomb Pops. I’m not doing anything to any animals either. Anything else? Yeah, I’m kinda down with it. What can I say? I’m nasty as fuck. Wait… Wait… WAIT… NO GAY SHIT, EITHER. F*CK THAAAAAAT!!!

Simon Sez:  Nothing is to go near my anus for any reason. It is one of two reasons I believe an open hand slap to a woman is acceptable.

 (Witch E. is curious as to what the OTHER reason is…)

Gross Dude:  What would make me walk away…hmmm… anything that involves pain to me. Fvck what you heard..pain is not pleasure.  Now of course if she wants me to beat her with a 2×4, insert an apple in her ass or burnher with a wire hanger that was heating up on the stove burner, thenshe can get it.  Whatever floats her boat…I aim to please.  Of course, that doesn’t mean I’m going to come back the next week, out of fear of what she might want to do next.

Witch E: (Stunned silence.)

Witch Elphaba:  Soo, it seems that the Dudes really aren’t into anal-anything, pretty against pee-sports and Playing ‘Smurph’.  Luckily there’s Craig’s List, for the rest of yous if Gross Dude is occupado!  And a Happy Ho Ho Ho-in’! Loves ya!

Brewchies what are your sexy times “HELL NAWS?!”

**Avatars brought to you from the “Witches’ Brew ruining Christmas Classics Foundation”**

Hola Dudes!

So, you meet a new honeydip (do the kids still say that?)  she tells  you she’s just gotten out of  a serious relationship.

You pick her up for your 2nd or 3rd date and there’s a dude, in his undies, sitting in the living room watching the game.  

He gives you a Bruhman nod, and goes about his business.

 ”Uh, who the fug was that?” you ask her as you head out for your date.

She replies, “Oh, that’s my ex, that I told you about.  He still lives here. We’re not together or anything, though. We are in a recession after all.”

Do you still date her or tell her to holla when she gets her living sitch straightened out?

*****

Phlip:  I do not continue to date her.   One of my exes fell into that trap with the cat after me… roommates in an apartment neither could hold down alone.  Now they’re still broken up, hate each others guts (finally living apart) and have a daughter to show for their troubles.  I am fine with using other people as cautionary tales, and I keep that story in my pocket just for questions like this.

SuPreme:  I’ve actually gone through something similar, except it never got to the first date. A woman I worked with, who was extremely attractive and who had liked me for a while, proposed that we go out and try to make something happen (we had a David & Maddie “Moonlighting” type of relationship – before they ever did the deed). Anywho, in questioning her, I found out she lived with her ex – she wasn’t going to reveal this on her own. She said the same thing – “we’re not together or anything”. I asked her to honestly tell me the last time they had sex. She was evasive; “Why is that important, and any of your business? We’re not together, I told you.”

I told her HELL NAW. No way I’m taking you out, showing you a good time, getting you all happy and worked up, only for you to pull back on initial dates because it’s “too soon”, and then go home so Tyrone on the couch can benefit because you’re all worked up, need a release and he’s “familiar”. Naw, man. I’m not Willie Lump-Lump. There’s no way I’m messing with the woman who essentially has emergency penis in-house any time she feels the need, while I put in the work to try and get with her and to eventually get to sexy times (as Borat would say).

 

You gots to play that game on the next man. Any dude cool with this is probably soft as a Care Bear Cousin’s Tail. The type of dude women use and discard like a dry Wet Wipe. Like he watches “Glee” in a onesy while holding a teddy bear. Type of dude who cries when he has sex and curls up in the fetal position when it’s done. Word.

 

I FAIL TO SEE THE ISSUE!

 

Gross Dude:  I’ve focked with married women still sleeping in the same bed with their husbands. This is actually more acceptable.

  

Elphaba: * Blank. Stare. Open.  Mouth. Wide.  Eyes.* 

 

Gross Dude: I’m just saying… What sounds better?  Sleeping with a married woman that still sleeps in the same bed with her husband.   Or some chick that only lives with the Ex?!

 

 

  

DUDE DARKNESS:  HILARIOUS! I had a homegirl go through this. She DIVORCED her husband but until he could get his money right… they remained roommates. I used to crack jokes on the fact that she had to introduce the ex to new guys as.. ” Oh.. him.. that’s just my huuuuuzzzzzband”…” pay him no mind’…LOL

 Actually , Most guys wouldn’t kick her to the curb. We are all grown and I got my own spot so – we’d spend most of the time at my crib. When I wanted some inside dirt on her .. I’d go to the ex for information.

 I would NEVER have LONG TERM plans with homegirl… just your average, typical misdemeanor of ” SMASH & GRAB ” or accidental ” HIT & RUN ” …..whatever you want to call it!..  Unless you made her speak in tongues during sex — best believe homeboy is still tapping that AZZZZ! ( I’ve been on the GOOD end of too many .. ” I have a boyfriend now….THIS IS THE ABSOLUTE LAST TIME WE DO THIS..OK??.. SLURP..SLURP!” .. scenarios to know he’s still tapping that!  The X -Factor is too much to make her permanent. The ex is basically D-K in a glass… BREAK IN CASE OF EMERGENCY! Plus… you have NO IDEA what the ex is working with! He MOST likely is MANDINGO throwing his joint over his shoulder to keep it from dragging on the floor because she has NOT put him out yet… …AND here you come looking like Opie paying for dinners and giving her emotional support…LOL while the ex blows her back out from across the room every night….Some chics may hate the MAN.. BUT LOVE HIS SCH….LOOOOONG!     And that is most likely the case because she has NOT put him out yet… once a female is completely done with a man– he’s gone… hence the reason most divorced men pay for houses they DON’T LIVE IN!!!!…LOL 

  

Elphaba:  GAH! I hate this gig, sometimes. 

 

So what say you, Brewchies?

Can you boo up a new boo when the old boo is still laying up in the next room?

 

Dudes,  you’ve been seeing someone- more than casually, but not ”seriously” (ie, you were not engaged, married too, sharing an offspring or co-habitating, nor did you have ‘the talk’).

You decide that you’d rather dangle your privates in a tank of piranha than hang with them anymore

Do you:

WHAT’S THE HUMANE WAY TO DE-BOO?!

******

THE PASSIVE AGRESSIVE PUTZES

 

GROSS DUDE:  The fade away is always effective.. Although its a punk way out, you sorta leave the door open when u do bump into her 15 months later.. in the club…after a few drinks..at about 3AM and it’s a short ride to your house.  I’m juss sayin…

DUDE DARKNESS:  Option 3 – THE FADE AWAY! It’s the ONLY way to go. It’s not only an UNDEFENDABLE shot in basketball – it’s also a an UNDEFENDABLE breakup technique. They slowly — YET gradually get used to life without you and it also aids in preventing the destruction of your property.

THE STRAIGHT SHOOT YOU IN THE HEART-ER

 

SUPREME:  Well, I’m not a ”nice” person to begin with. So if it ain’t serious, why go out of your way? Hell, even if it IS serious – I’m all about being upfront and honest. So I’m just going to tell it how it is, no sugarcoating, straight with no OJ afterwards. So option #1 is definitely what I’d do.

I don’t even comprehend the mindset people have to NOT just tell the truth and be upfront with how you feel and think. But I guess that’s what a lot of heads do, obviously. Just not my thing…and I tend to surround myself with as many honest heads as possible…  Answering the question more directly – for me, there is no “nice way” of telling someone you’re not into them. Just tell them. Try to do so without any animosity, just impart the truth of why you don’t want to see them/be with them that way any longer.

A SPICY MIX OF ‘PUSH YOU OUT A MOVING CAR AND I’M GOING INTO SURGERY IN THE MORNING’

 

PHLIP:  I would like to imagine that I am somewhere between the “get it the fux over with” of number one and letting it go gently of number two, with none of the passive-aggressive approach.
The naked truth is always better than a well-dressed lie, I think I heard one of these rappity-rap types say on something I heard in the car between the house and work the last couple weeks. Never is this more apparent than right now. The conversation should be framed such that the receiver of the bad news gets it with the understanding that it has been thought out, and closing any question of the finality (or lack thereof) should be conveyed as well. With that in mind, there is nothing left to do BUT to just say it and let things take place as they will from there. Be prepared to present the reason for the rift as well, and I could only HOPE that the deliverer allowed a chance to make things right.

This installation of  Ask A Dude is a little  different this week :  A conversation Dude to Dude

 (much different than Dude ON Dude, but you like it I love it.)

So, YAY! Our own Brew Dude Phlip is about to be a first time dad, like VERY soon.  

Can you dudes,who happen to all be great dads, share advice or words of wisdom with him?

 Something you wish someone had told you, perhaps?

******

Zombie of Mr. Crab (1 boy, 12ish months):  Probably shouldn’t have let the rhythm hit his lady, but if this was consensual, CONGRATS! Having a child is one of the best experiences in the world. Better than any Disney World or Great Adventure roller coaster. Get familiar with www.diapers.com and www.babiesrus.com. The days of giving babies Pet milk are over…Formula costs run similar to an ounce of Black Tar Heroin…and heaven forbid if your kid has any allergies or something…now you gotta get the top shelf formula…$$$$$$$$. I must say, outside the ridiculous costs of diapers, formula, clothes, shoes, toy (most toddlers like tv remotes and pots and pans, so skip the traditional toys for the first 3-4 years), having a child is one of the most fulfilling events of one’s life. To watch how your actions directly shape and mold this little human being is one of God’s greatest gifts…too sad you’ll be too tired and broke to fully enjoy it.

GROSS DUDE (1 boy,  10): Babies Cry…. a lot….and for no reason. The end.

CA$HER! (2 boys, 9 & 5 1/2):  Dawg, you’re in for some head scratching and WTF moments! You will be pushed to the point of insanity, and no matter how much you feel like “I can take it”, there will be some days where jumping from the roof of a building won’t seem that bad. In the early stages, all you’ll need to do is survive.

But the love of them will keep you from going nuts (at least it “should” keep you from going loco). Anything that shouldn’t be said in public, they’ll say it. Any time they get a chance to embarrass you, they will. Taking them to a toy store is like asking Satan to tap dance on your balls. Speaking of balls, they have a built in homing device that they don’t tell you about, and your balls are the target EVERY TIME you “play”. I think it’s God’s way of teaching you a lesson.   But, welcome to the club. Many cheers to you.

Rev Real: (4 Boys..FOUR–do ages really matter? FOUR of ‘em): **could not respond to this request as he was watching the Backyardigans, wiping puke off of his shoulder … and submitting numerous requests for marital coitus.

ELPHIE:   CONGRATS, PHLIP AND LADY PHLIP! I’m not a dad, but I’ve dated some HOT ones from time to time! Uh…what was I saying? Uh, yea CONGRATS!

*Today’s avatars brought to you by random miscellaneous babies and Mrs. Euphegenia Doubtfire…the best durn Fictional Dad/Mom ever!

Always Been Jealous of that Wet Set

(The surprisingly Subdued) Gross Dude: I’m going to have to sit this one out since I haven’t even come close to being married. I can admit to meeting alot of women that were “marriage material”, but I just had no desire to enter that institution.

Bitchin' Blazer

PHILIP: Absolutely not…A dude might be able to tell you if he is interested in getting physical within that amount of time, but any fool who mistakes “getting buttnekkid” with “marriage potential” likely deserves the heartache and financial f*ckery that lies ahead for him.

In general, it takes time to assess things about her, like her history (more specifically if she is related to or has had relations with any of my friends), friends (you play in sh*t long enough, you’re bound to get some on you so choose friends wisely… and to make sure I was not with any of them before)health (yes, especially sexual health), and MOST IMPORTANTLY if she has/had any prescriptions for things such as antidepressants and such.
As it were, it is improbable to gather all of this information – a minimum in the “should I be thinking about marrying this chick?” list – within 15 minutes, unless she overshares information, which is equally scary since no one marries clingers on purpose.
I am of the opinion that this is not information gained before at least the 3rd or 4th date or so, based solely on the natural progression of non-creepy conversation.

DANCE DAMMIT!

No Curl Wetter or More Gansta

REV REAL: There is some truth to this. I think most guys approach women with 1 of 2 motivations: she’s jumpoff material, or she could be wife potential. That first conversation is critical, but just because he thinks she’s wife material in the first 15 mins doesn’t mean the chick can’t do something to muck that up. In other words, I’ve met chicks and after a few minutes been like, “I could wife her.”

But, if she’s tossing my salad within 2 hours, that prospect goes out the window.

This Really Is My Picture, though...

ELPHABA: My spiritual adviser, Ladies & Gentlemen.. *slow clap*… * blink*…*stare*…*sigh*…

So what say you, fellas? Do you know within 15 mins if someone is a just for now bust down or someone you can get all emo with forever style?

Check out  the tour de force Single Ladies  yourselves…

 A 24-Carat Mac Pro, when only the finest for ‘net pimpin will do!

• Single Dudes:  Has the interweb completely ruined your game? When you once may have thought of the internet as your penile oyster, do you find it’s much more of a hassle now to juggle since Social networking has made it near damn nigh impossible to keep these heffers away from each other? How do you play the dating game in a day and age of cyber transparency?

• Married/Commited Dudes:  Facebook is fugging up marriages left and right:  Exhibit A .   Do you find it harder to stay up out of nonsense due to the internet? Do and your partner share passwords, how do you keep trust?

THE AVAILABLES

  BIG IN EUROPE:  It’s funny that you refer it as a game, because that’s all it is… If you’re using the Internet to date, and you find girl du jour, if you KEEP it as such, then whether or not you find one another is irrelevant.  The biggest problem with this whole scenario is that most guys THINK they are players, when in fact they are simps in player clothes; scary ass halfwits, that think because they can talk to a girl on a computer, they got game.

I personally don’t use the Internet for talking to girls (Though I must admit that I’ve have and found some lovely people on it), because I don’t like surprises. If I WERE to use the Internet for cyber-pimping, I would just be honest with the iWhores and let them all know that they aren’t the only piece of eTrim in my scraps drawer. 

Honesty = no surprises. No surprises = free eLove. Free eLove = STDs for EVERYBODY!!! YAAAAAY!

< waxing poetic >Oh, I swear, back in the days when I used to juggle 5-6 girls on the Internet and 5 at home, life was good. I used to keep ‘em all in line and on a schedule. No surprises, no games. These young bucks… all they know is what they think they know. Assholes don’t know shit about no game. I feel like I need to open a school on how to be a real player… </ waxing poetic >

Oh yeah, if you’re dating on the Internet, they you probably don’t give a rat’s hairy ass if you get caught… If you’re a real player, you’ll replace her surly ass with 2 anyway…ESPECIALLY in the age of social networking… Punk ass bitches!  The internet is ruining the moral fiber of some good ole cheating!

ELPHIE:  Erm… moving along…

STONE-AY JACKSON:  You can’t be a playa at all. Everybody has a mutual friend now. Everybody, so you can’t be online having multiple women.

CA$HA:   I don’t use the Internet to date. I have found dates on the Internet in the past though, and it didn’t go so smoothly. It always ends in an issue of trust, whether justified or unjustified. It’s much easier to meet someone in person, and stay off of the Internet altogether. The more serious relationships are the ones that are attainable. Often, that’s the one that can be physically shared every day, and not a weekend lover. There’s no certainty in those either, but they are much easier to maintain than any .com love is.

GROSS DUDE:  Facebook has made it difficult for single fellas pretending to be in serious relationships. 

BUT for single fellas being single? What better way to catalogue all the women you want to get with. More importantly…you cross reference who knows who. Measure your degrees of separation between the multiple women you might be dating.  You see their social habits…where they are prone to go, who they are prone to hang out with. This will prevent you from showing up certain places with one chick knowing another is prone to show up at that same venue.  As for getting caught… Disable your walls dummies!! Set privacy…make sure you have your App alert to notify every time someone tags a pic u don’t want the world to see and un-tag yourself ASAP.  No excuse to get caught unless someone really goes out their way to ruin you.

ELPHIE:  If my love for this dude is wrong…

THE TAKENS

PHLIP-adelphia:  No, no problems in my house. The problem for those who DO experience that is likely just as much rooted in the lack of things like trust, self-control and selfesteem. I mean, if anyone goes to Facebook  to rekindle old flames, they would have done it without Facebook as well, Facebook just gave them an easier medium for doing so.

Marriages/divorces are not down/up, respectively, because of social networking; they’re down because people are getting married for the wrong damned reason.

No issue with nonsense, because we do not allow that shit around us. And if by “share passwords” you mean “leave the computer powered on and logged into everything (email, FB, blog, etc…) when I leave the house or go to sleep,” then yes I do.

REV REAL:  Pseudonyms, fake birth dates, and no photos of yourself. Or, as the conservatives call it, “plausible deniability”.

ELPHIE:  REALLY REV, IS THAT YOUR ANSWER?

REV REAL:  What the hell you want me to say? I ain’t pimpin on FB or Black Planet (ELPHIE:  Um is there still a Black Planet?) so I’m not in the game. But if I were, that’s what I’d do. That’s the problem…people try to get so sophisticated with their strategy of not getting caught that they lose the real purpose. An example: my cousin got caught cheating because he used a “discrete” website where married couples looking to cheat could hook up.  But the website popped up in the autofill Google section and the wiz found out, and subsequently cheated on him.   KISS:  Keep It Simple, Skeezah

 ELPHIE:  Ya ever wanted to punch a Rev square in the junk?

**Today’s avatars brought to you by the BEST SHOW EVER!

He is so happy he never has to hear your voice!

So, last weekend I enjoyed a Boozy Brunch with my Lady Boos at remarkably un-bourgoise TASTE SENSATION in DC.  BOTTOMLESS MIMOSAS, HOLLA!  The Androids, iPhones, Blackberries and world’s last Razr (shout out to my technology retarded homie!)  never leave the table.  At intermittent times, my boozy brawds and myself steal a moment away from the convo we’re having to thumb box with the suitor on the other side of the text bubble of our respective phones.

This brings about a never ending conversation, no not about how rude we all are. (We’ve known each other for 20 plus  years…whatevs). But, has modern technology taken the woo out of men? The theory that I posed is, ‘Eh, texting is just for bulljiving around. No one who likes you or is pursuing you would do so via thumbs!” (Then I took 2 more mimosas to the head, and requested a dixel from my TextLovah).

One of my friends completely disagreed. ”Why would a guy waste his time?”  My answer…” Well, how much time does it take to say “LOL”?  Anyways I promised to take it to the dudes.  So here we go:

True or False 

“A guy, when he is “liking on a gal”, will pick up the phone and speak to her and not text her to death?

If you are not getting calls, he does not like you.”

Dudes, you say?!

 I DO NOT UNDERSTAND THE CONCEPT OF THE OPTIONS YOU PRESENT  ME:

Rev Real: Depends. He may really like but her be texting  because he lives with someone and calling is inconvenient. Then you have some dudes whose written communication is better than their oral. So not calling doesn’t mean he’s not interested. Usually this just requires a tweak, i.e. The girl saying something like “I like it when you call” to get him to call more often. If he doesn’t call after that…him no likee she.

Simon Sez:  His minutes might not start til nine.  Or he’s at work?

Elphie:  Reviews the concept of TRUE OR FALSE.  Nope…hasn’t changed. These guys.

FALSE!:

    The Casher!:  That’s a double-edged sword, but I’ll lean on the side of false. It’s not that guys don’t want to call and talk to you. Sometimes, it’s us not knowing how to get OFF the phone wit yo ass. There were plenty of times when I started to call a woman and thought, “damn…if I call her, she’s talk so much the wax in my ear will boil over and f*ck my phone up. Lemme text her.” True, I liked her. But I know my weakness. If I talk for a few hours on one day, don’t expect me to do that every night. And some women are like that whether they want to admit it or not. Texting allows you to do other things and say what you need to say. I’ll call, but if I don’t, that doesn’t mean I’m not feeling you like that.                                                       

 TRUE, WITH A SIDE OF “MEH”:

  SUpreme:  My initial response would be “true”. If I’m just using myself and the guys I know and talk to/hang with, that’s a definite true – texting comes off as though you don’t REALLY want to be bothered that much. But in this new age and time, people act differently…so, playing Devil’s Advocate – let’s say he has a job that doesn’t permit him the freedom to talk when you’re free (he works the night shift, you have a 9 to 5). Maybe that’s his way of trying to keep in contact?

I DO know a guy who keeps in touch with HIS WIFE via Facebook when they’re not together due to conflicting work schedules. So I’ll say and over 30 “true”, but I can’t speak for these young’uns.

 TRUE NUFF!:

The Zombie of Mr. Crab: True. He will talk on the phone unless he’s otherwise occupied (shitter, other poon, Rikers Island/Central Booking). Unless he would rather not hear you babble (#1 reason why texting beats talking to a woman on the phone or in person). Churrrch!

Elphie Sez: I’m not sold yet.  If you can’t suck up listening to a lady’s  mundane convo, do you deserve the vagicat? WORK FOR IT GUYS, SHEESH! And for the fellas trying to text while their lady is sitting next to them. Part of bartering for vaginacat (I buy dinner. You give me a handie.) is that you have to listen to some boring broad babble about her boring life. I’m sorry that’s the price you pay for getting your babies gargled. It just is!  If you’re lucky enough you will run into a woman like myself, who  spends at least 5 hours out of her day talking, for a living.  She will NOT want to keep you on the phone for long. But she will appreciate that you wanted to hear her voice.  My point, fellas? Put a little effort into your vagina prospecting, and you might yield better swallowing results!  And ladies, if you want some more attention…SAY SO! AND STILL I RISE.

We women can be exhausting (to ourselves and our friends!)… We often hear simple things and turn them into something a lot deeper than they are. Case in point, there is a guy we are interested in, maybe we’ve been on a few dates with, even. Things are going well- you think, but then he drops the hammer: “Let’s just be friends.” Hey, it happens to the hottest of us. How you react next, can spare you a world of hurt.

Some women (usually the seasoned and level headed) can chalk this up to the dating game and say. “Cool, you’re just not that into me. Got it, good I’m gone.” And she will move on and find someone that IS interested in her. “In that way.” Others however will take that as an opportunity to haze her girlfriends by analyzing the tone in which those 4 ego crushing words were delivered. “Well maybe he just means he’s scared to get hurt.” But since girlfriends never seem to believe girlfriends when we halt all of the angst and say ‘Look, dude just doesn’t like you. Let’s move on!’ I decided to consult THE DUDES.

When a man says

“Let’s Just be friends, what does he REALLY mean?”

The “Good”…

SUpreme: For me, it means I’m probably getting the feeling she’s wanting to be more serious than I am – or at least giving me the vibe. So, to nip that in the bud, you might have to tell her we should cool it and be friends so we can still be cool – rather than things get complicated and end on a bad note. For me, at least – if I’m saying “let’s be friends”, it means I value you enough to WANT to be friends – and not ruin it by getting more serious.

STONE-y JACKSON:  It could mean a few things:  1) she is too sweet and feels bad that he has other chicks  2) She is too needy (which I just went thru)  3) She is better as a friend than a girlfriend 4) the ‘sexual congress’ was not good

The bad…

Rev Real: It could be: 1)Her underarms or crotch smells like unwashed street coochie. 2)She can’t cook.  3)Her brain skills are limited.  4)Her friends or family are unbearable.  5)She’s crazy, but hasn’t computed it yet.   6)Too much mileage.  7)She can’t hold down her liquor…or a job.

Phlip: It means that there are other options and that she is not panning out as “committed relationship” material, and the line needs to be drawn that no exclusivity is assumed. There is likely no return from this friend zone.

Big In Europe: It means, “It’s been fun fucking you, but I’ve A) …found someone I like fucking better than you so i’m gonna do that. B)…My girlfriend is getting mighty close to solving the mystery of the disappearing boyfriend. C) …if’s been fun fucking you, but my boo is back in town, so I have to stop having reeeeal fun with you and start spending time with her. D) …any of the above.

Aint no telling really, just cut your losses and stop being a fuckin bug-a-boo. You knew what this was when we started this game.  Thats the danger of casual fuckin. Women so seldom let shit stay casual. The questions start, making shit seem like a relationship.

The Ugly…

Gross Dude: I’m not interested in fucking you…The end.

Girl Talk with E the Witch: Ladies, if you find yourself on the business end of liking a dude and he hits you with the ‘just friends’ whammy,  never  caught up in the sucker’s game of being some single dude’s “everything but girlfriend” (they one they call after a long day and complain to, the bruncher, the movie goer, the after drink getter.  The no sex haver.) You’re just setting yourself up for a world of hurt.   If you aren’t getting what you want from someone, don’t let them ‘make do’ with you!

**Today’s avatars brought to you by processed wet curls of yesteryear.

Hey Dudes!

 So how long is Too Long for a woman to wait for a guy to propose?

(She’s gonna be so pissed at the charm bracelet inside there)

  I have a friend who has been with her boyfriend for 10 years, for example, and she wants to get married.  He has had a decade to save for a ring, so call me crazy…I just don’t think it’s going to happen.  (She would probably call me a “hater” *blink*) This normally wouldn’t be my business, but for the last 5 years she is convinced that every birthday, Christmas, New Year, Chinese New Year and Flag Day will be THE DAY. It’s getting sad. Really really sad, mostly she’s getting annoying…REALLY annoying.

As a guy do you think that once you hit a double digit in years in a relationship you can pretty much say: ”Why bother?”  At let’s say the 4+ year mark, can you pretty much say you’re just riding the relationship along, waiting for her to realize you’re just not that into her?  Or perhaps you just really like to take your time and not be rushed.   And what about hints and ultimatums. What do you do with those if you have zero intention of caving in and proposing?

(The thing is, they’ve been dating since Undergrad)

**********************************************

(It’s the) DIRTY MONEY:TEN FRIGGIN YEARS?!?!? Homie is NOT marrying her.  Period.  She should just come to terms with that and ride this thing here on out. A guy usually will know after about the third year. And at that point, he should at least be shopping for a ring. A hint/conversation should happen three times. If he can’t take the hint or converse with you about it for an equivalent of three times (the first time is usually, “I don’t know…”. The second is usually, “Yes, I love you but…”. The third time SHOULD be,”Yes, I give up.”. Lol, then it’s time to pack your vag and go.

But the lack of conversation about it will tell you where it’s going and if he has any intention at all of being your prisoner, – oops, I mean, husband.

REV REAL:  I think it really depends on the woman and what she is willing to endure. I dated my wife for 7 years before we got married, but I don’t think we would have made it to 8…I also think its fair for the woman to determine for herself what “too long” is. For example, I was dating an older chick who was ready to get married when marriage wasn’t on my radar. So, she walked away (or I let her walk away depending on whose vantage point you are considering).

Phlip!:  (check out his blog!) There is no ‘too long’ for something like this. The ONLY time coordinate up to question on such a thing is the intangible “when the hell ever [proposer] is ready” and not a second before. Some people – as in both partners – are (or claim to be) perfectly fine with the 10+ year relationships without having shared last names, lord knows I have seen it time and again.
Speaking for myself here, I can’t imagine riding ANY relationship that long with someone I was “just not that into,” eventually my allergy to wasting my time would kick in and bad things might happen.

For others, if elapsed time happens to become 5, 10 or more years, some solace should be taken in that right there is where they want to be whether or not a marriage ever takes place. Hell, most MARRIAGES don’t last THAT long, let alone an actual committed relationship. It is a bit pretentious to assume that EVERYONE is automatically supposed to be married, or even want to be.

Hints and ultimatums, though, are deal-breakers. Anything that suggests that our schedules for such things are anything less than in sync or understood would lead me to believe that I am being assigned someone else’s peace of mind. If there were ZERO intentions, the hints and ultimatums are time to make for the door, but if there was a chance, then a good long sitdown is to take place to discuss the direction and necessary time frame of things is in order.

The Zombie of Mr. Crab: The old saying is time waits for no one, unless you’re the Rip Van Winkle of relationships. 10 years is a long ass amount of time. Michael Jackson went from a child, to a man, to a light skinned man with less meat on his nose, to an even lighter man with even less meat on his nose, to eventually the ugly twin sister of Jackie O.

I don’t know what this guy’s lack of follow through stems from.  But if he does what the only guy I’ve known in this situation has done, he will:  continue to cheat on his girl, cave into pressure from her family and his to marry her, fly her to an exotic locale  to get engaged, buy a house and move her in, then accuse her of infidelity, and less than a month later, move his 6-month pregnant mistress into the house and kick her out.   In other words: Bitch, run for the damn hills!!!!!

(Today’s  avatars are brought to you by the many James Browns- RIP!)

AWWWW DIP!

In a moment of weakness you and your best (now formerly) platonic gal pal done mess up and bumped uglies.

You know each others dirtiest of dirt so know that none of your usual bullshiggity lines will work on her. 

Like: “I just enlisted in the Foreign Legion”, ”My dog ate my cellphone” and

“I can’t see you again, the sex was just TOO good.”
 
Can you go back to being besties? Do you just act like the sexytimes never happened and hope she complies?
 
What say you?

GROSS DUDE:Well, I have crossed that line…. many times … and u know what?  We act like it never happened…life  goes on. Never an issue. I think the fact she knows my dirt, some of my Ahole ways (not that I have many b/c I’m such a great guy), that she wouldn’t even want to admit succumbing to my drunken charm.   But seriously, I talk with these women like it never happened, they talk to me the same….and back to talking about our dirt to each other. 

CA$Ha: (The Dude Formerly Known as Dirty Money aka The Casher!): I doubt you can go back after crossing that line. I would suggest that you make the most of it while you still can. This situation happens more than enough, and just like any relationship, it can be promising or end in disaster. They (Fraud and dem) say you should marry your best friend. But the way things are today, I’m not sure if that works either. You can never act like it “just happened”, because this is your best friend. She knows you better than the rest of the scallywags you’ve been peensicle poppin from time to time. Just keep the lines of communication open, and things “should” go fine. There are no guarantees in anything, though. So, make the most of it. Enjoy yourselves. Stay honest, and you never know. What you were looking for may have been right under your nose the whole time.
P.S. Ladies, most guys assume that your male “best friend” hit it anyway or he’s trying to hit it still. Don’t judge us, that’s just how we think, so be mindful when you want to introduce your new boo to your homey. (Different post, perhaps…)

PHLIP!: I have always lived under the opinion that once that line is crossed, there is no going back. Sure, many think they’re the exception to the rule, but there is no denying that physical involvement WILL change the dynamic of a friendship. Usually this comes from one side wanting more than just that.  Unless, of course, you were both REALLY intoxicated and therefore had a reason leading to the loss of clarity for that moment. Even then, the friendship will be greatly strained.   Friendships require a lack of complication to remain effective as friendships… “Relations” happens to be one of the most damning of complications.

SUpreme:  This depends on the woman. Men can usually have sex with a woman and go back to the way it was an hour later, no biggie. I’ve had sex with a best friend before, and it was all good the next day. No issues, no uncomfortable exchanges, no avoiding each other, no catching feelings. Then another woman – I had sex with her, and we weren’t on the same page. She wanted it to develop into a relationship, and I just took at it as we swung an ep. That situation took a while to work out where we could JUST be friends again and nothing else be involved.

To me, it all depends on the individuals involved.

REV REAL:  If the sex (or first kiss) was great, yes. If it was wack, nah.

Elphie: Wait…what does the quality of the sex have to do with the maintaining of the friendship?

REV REAL:  A lot. Bad sex is hard to forget. Though for guys its typically more physiological (camel-toe smegma, nipple stubble, etc.) And for the female its more performance. But if its good, there’s no awkwardness afterwards, and the friendship can maintain.

Elphie: But you can forget good sex? And Good sex therefore will ensure  you can resume your PLATONIC friendship? 

You know what?  I quit.