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Witches' Brew | White Jesus Approved Rss
Witches' Brew | White Jesus Approved Rss

Ask A Dude: Dumpiquette

2

Posted by Elphaba Of The Brew | Posted in Ask A Dude, Ask A Dude The Round Table | Posted on 16-08-2011

Dudes,  you’ve been seeing someone- more than casually, but not ”seriously” (ie, you were not engaged, married too, sharing an offspring or co-habitating, nor did you have ‘the talk’).

You decide that you’d rather dangle your privates in a tank of piranha than hang with them anymore

Do you:

  1. Give them a call and tell them you did not pick up their option to renew the relationship and they have been CANCELLED,  plainly stating your lack of interest? 
  2.  You beat around the bush…’uh, I think I’m going to be busy for the next couple of years…”, “I’m going out of town, every saturday for the rest of the decade..”
  3. Do you just do the “Fade-away” ...taper calls, emails, etc. until you are but a speck in the wind of her dating mind? Well, until you run into her 3 months later, on a date with your next boo…

WHAT’S THE HUMANE WAY TO DE-BOO?!

******

THE PASSIVE AGRESSIVE PUTZES

 

GROSS DUDE:  The fade away is always effective.. Although its a punk way out, you sorta leave the door open when u do bump into her 15 months later.. in the club…after a few drinks..at about 3AM and it’s a short ride to your house.  I’m juss sayin…
DUDE DARKNESS:  Option 3 – THE FADE AWAY! It’s the ONLY way to go. It’s not only an UNDEFENDABLE shot in basketball – it’s also a an UNDEFENDABLE breakup technique. They slowly — YET gradually get used to life without you and it also aids in preventing the destruction of your property.
(I predict that our newest dude, may give Gross dude a run for his Gross money…)

THE STRAIGHT SHOOT YOU IN THE HEART-ER

 

SUPREME:  Well, I’m not a ”nice” person to begin with. So if it ain’t serious, why go out of your way? Hell, even if it IS serious – I’m all about being upfront and honest. So I’m just going to tell it how it is, no sugarcoating, straight with no OJ afterwards. So option #1 is definitely what I’d do.
I don’t even comprehend the mindset people have to NOT just tell the truth and be upfront with how you feel and think. But I guess that’s what a lot of heads do, obviously. Just not my thing…and I tend to surround myself with as many honest heads as possible…  Answering the question more directly – for me, there is no “nice way” of telling someone you’re not into them. Just tell them. Try to do so without any animosity, just impart the truth of why you don’t want to see them/be with them that way any longer.

A SPICY MIX OF ‘PUSH YOU OUT A MOVING CAR AND I’M GOING INTO SURGERY IN THE MORNING’

 

PHLIP:  I would like to imagine that I am somewhere between the “get it the fux over with” of number one and letting it go gently of number two, with none of the passive-aggressive approach.
The naked truth is always better than a well-dressed lie, I think I heard one of these rappity-rap types say on something I heard in the car between the house and work the last couple weeks. Never is this more apparent than right now. The conversation should be framed such that the receiver of the bad news gets it with the understanding that it has been thought out, and closing any question of the finality (or lack thereof) should be conveyed as well. With that in mind, there is nothing left to do BUT to just say it and let things take place as they will from there. Be prepared to present the reason for the rift as well, and I could only HOPE that the deliverer allowed a chance to make things right.
*****
So, Brewchies- how would you prefer to hear the bad news that your dating contract has been terminated?  When you’re the dumper, how do you do the firing?  And is there REALLY  any such thing as a Graceful and Amicable Breakup?  
Let’s discuss, here in the comments section… they don’t bite!  You can even use your Facebook log in! 
 **Today’s avatars brought to you by Elphaba’s  profound missing of Dave Chappelle…it hurts like new shoes. It hurts like new shoes.
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Ask A Dude: The Manly Baby Shower, Sex is For Makin’ Babies and Other Advice

21

Posted by Elphaba Of The Brew | Posted in Ask A Dude, Ask A Dude The Round Table | Posted on 05-07-2011

Heathcliff Huxtable, the bastion of negroidinal patriarchy
This installation of  Ask A Dude is a little  different this week :  A conversation Dude to Dude
 (much different than Dude ON Dude, but you like it I love it.)
So, YAY! Our own Brew Dude Phlip is about to be a first time dad, like VERY soon.  
Can you dudes,who happen to all be great dads, share advice or words of wisdom with him?
 Something you wish someone had told you, perhaps?
******

Zombie of Mr. Crab (1 boy, 12ish months):  Probably shouldn’t have let the rhythm hit his lady, but if this was consensual, CONGRATS! Having a child is one of the best experiences in the world. Better than any Disney World or Great Adventure roller coaster. Get familiar with www.diapers.com and www.babiesrus.com. The days of giving babies Pet milk are over…Formula costs run similar to an ounce of Black Tar Heroin…and heaven forbid if your kid has any allergies or something…now you gotta get the top shelf formula…$$$$$$$$. I must say, outside the ridiculous costs of diapers, formula, clothes, shoes, toy (most toddlers like tv remotes and pots and pans, so skip the traditional toys for the first 3-4 years), having a child is one of the most fulfilling events of one’s life. To watch how your actions directly shape and mold this little human being is one of God’s greatest gifts…too sad you’ll be too tired and broke to fully enjoy it.

 

GROSS DUDE (1 boy,  10): Babies Cry…. a lot….and for no reason. The end.

 

 

 

 

 

CA$HER! (2 boys, 9 & 5 1/2):  Dawg, you’re in for some head scratching and WTF moments! You will be pushed to the point of insanity, and no matter how much you feel like “I can take it”, there will be some days where jumping from the roof of a building won’t seem that bad. In the early stages, all you’ll need to do is survive.

But the love of them will keep you from going nuts (at least it “should” keep you from going loco). Anything that shouldn’t be said in public, they’ll say it. Any time they get a chance to embarrass you, they will. Taking them to a toy store is like asking Satan to tap dance on your balls. Speaking of balls, they have a built in homing device that they don’t tell you about, and your balls are the target EVERY TIME you “play”. I think it’s God’s way of teaching you a lesson.   But, welcome to the club. Many cheers to you.

 

Rev Real: (4 Boys..FOUR–do ages really matter? FOUR of ‘em): **could not respond to this request as he was watching the Backyardigans, wiping puke off of his shoulder … and submitting numerous requests for marital coitus.

 

 

 

 

ELPHIE:   CONGRATS, PHLIP AND LADY PHLIP! I’m not a dad, but I’ve dated some HOT ones from time to time! Uh…what was I saying? Uh, yea CONGRATS!

 

 

 

 

*Today’s avatars brought to you by random miscellaneous babies and Mrs. Euphegenia Doubtfire…the best durn Fictional Dad/Mom ever!

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Ask A Dude: 15 Mins?

0

Posted by Elphaba Of The Brew | Posted in Ask A Dude, Ask A Dude The Round Table, single ladies | Posted on 22-06-2011

Hi Dudes!


Ok- don’t judge me, I got caught up watching the craptacular VH1 “Single Ladies”…a show about 2 negroid women, their “my black is on the inside (via penetration)” cacausianoid friend and mega bad acting.
Anywhootinany…the subject of commitment came up,  as it often does when negro women get together in front of a camera.  (Plus I REALLY needed a topic for Ask A Dude!)

 

True/False…expound please: 
“A man knows within 15 mins whether he can see a woman as his wife.”

Always Been Jealous of that Wet Set

 

(The surprisingly Subdued) Gross Dude: I’m going to have to sit this one out since I haven’t even come close to being married. I can admit to meeting alot of women that were “marriage material”, but I just had no desire to enter that institution.

 

 

 

Bitchin' Blazer


PHILIP:
Absolutely not…A dude might be able to tell you if he is interested in getting physical within that amount of time, but any fool who mistakes “getting buttnekkid” with “marriage potential” likely deserves the heartache and financial f*ckery that lies ahead for him.

In general, it takes time to assess things about her, like her history (more specifically if she is related to or has had relations with any of my friends), friends (you play in sh*t long enough, you’re bound to get some on you so choose friends wisely… and to make sure I was not with any of them before)health (yes, especially sexual health), and MOST IMPORTANTLY if she has/had any prescriptions for things such as antidepressants and such.
As it were, it is improbable to gather all of this information – a minimum in the “should I be thinking about marrying this chick?” list – within 15 minutes, unless she overshares information, which is equally scary since no one marries clingers on purpose.
I am of the opinion that this is not information gained before at least the 3rd or 4th date or so, based solely on the natural progression of non-creepy conversation.

 

DANCE DAMMIT!

CA$HA: HA!!!! Who told you that??? (Elphaba: The bad TV show ‘Single Ladies’! Keep up!) A man knows whether or not he’d sleep with a women within the first 15 minutes, but a wife? No. She may be his ideal “look”, but any fool knows that looks can be deceiving. What if her breath stinks? What if “worse” stinks? What if she’s rude? What if she can’t cook? What if she’s bad with money? There are a lot of questions that need to be answered when it comes to that, and 15 minutes won’t do.
…”knows within 15 minutes”…LMAO! That is too funny…

 

No Curl Wetter or More Gansta

REV REAL: There is some truth to this. I think most guys approach women with 1 of 2 motivations: she’s jumpoff material, or she could be wife potential. That first conversation is critical, but just because he thinks she’s wife material in the first 15 mins doesn’t mean the chick can’t do something to muck that up. In other words, I’ve met chicks and after a few minutes been like, “I could wife her.”

But, if she’s tossing my salad within 2 hours, that prospect goes out the window.

 

This Really Is My Picture, though...

 

 

ELPHABA: My spiritual adviser, Ladies & Gentlemen.. *slow clap*… * blink*…*stare*…*sigh*…

 

 

 

 

So what say you, fellas? Do you know within 15 mins if someone is a just for now bust down or someone you can get all emo with forever style?

Check out  the tour de force Single Ladies  yourselves…

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Ask A Dude©: Interweb Pimpin’

32

Posted by Elphaba Of The Brew | Posted in Ask A Dude, Ask A Dude The Round Table | Posted on 25-05-2011

 

 A 24-Carat Mac Pro, when only the finest for ‘net pimpin will do!

 

  • Single Dudes:  Has the interweb completely ruined your game? When you once may have thought of the internet as your penile oyster, do you find it’s much more of a hassle now to juggle since Social networking has made it near damn nigh impossible to keep these heffers away from each other? How do you play the dating game in a day and age of cyber transparency?

  • Married/Commited Dudes:  Facebook is fugging up marriages left and right:  Exhibit A .   Do you find it harder to stay up out of nonsense due to the internet? Do and your partner share passwords, how do you keep trust?

THE AVAILABLES

  BIG IN EUROPE:  It’s funny that you refer it as a game, because that’s all it is… If you’re using the Internet to date, and you find girl du jour, if you KEEP it as such, then whether or not you find one another is irrelevant.  The biggest problem with this whole scenario is that most guys THINK they are players, when in fact they are simps in player clothes; scary ass halfwits, that think because they can talk to a girl on a computer, they got game.

I personally don’t use the Internet for talking to girls (Though I must admit that I’ve have and found some lovely people on it), because I don’t like surprises. If I WERE to use the Internet for cyber-pimping, I would just be honest with the iWhores and let them all know that they aren’t the only piece of eTrim in my scraps drawer. 

Honesty = no surprises. No surprises = free eLove. Free eLove = STDs for EVERYBODY!!! YAAAAAY!

< waxing poetic >Oh, I swear, back in the days when I used to juggle 5-6 girls on the Internet and 5 at home, life was good. I used to keep ‘em all in line and on a schedule. No surprises, no games. These young bucks… all they know is what they think they know. Assholes don’t know shit about no game. I feel like I need to open a school on how to be a real player… </ waxing poetic >

Oh yeah, if you’re dating on the Internet, they you probably don’t give a rat’s hairy ass if you get caught… If you’re a real player, you’ll replace her surly ass with 2 anyway…ESPECIALLY in the age of social networking… Punk ass bitches!  The internet is ruining the moral fiber of some good ole cheating!

ELPHIE:  Erm… moving along…

 

 

 

 

STONE-AY JACKSON:  You can’t be a playa at all. Everybody has a mutual friend now. Everybody, so you can’t be online having multiple women.

 

 

 

 

CA$HA:   I don’t use the Internet to date. I have found dates on the Internet in the past though, and it didn’t go so smoothly. It always ends in an issue of trust, whether justified or unjustified. It’s much easier to meet someone in person, and stay off of the Internet altogether. The more serious relationships are the ones that are attainable. Often, that’s the one that can be physically shared every day, and not a weekend lover. There’s no certainty in those either, but they are much easier to maintain than any .com love is.

 

 

GROSS DUDE:  Facebook has made it difficult for single fellas pretending to be in serious relationships. 

BUT for single fellas being single? What better way to catalogue all the women you want to get with. More importantly…you cross reference who knows who. Measure your degrees of separation between the multiple women you might be dating.  You see their social habits…where they are prone to go, who they are prone to hang out with. This will prevent you from showing up certain places with one chick knowing another is prone to show up at that same venue.  As for getting caught… Disable your walls dummies!! Set privacy…make sure you have your App alert to notify every time someone tags a pic u don’t want the world to see and un-tag yourself ASAP.  No excuse to get caught unless someone really goes out their way to ruin you.

 

 

ELPHIE:  If my love for this dude is wrong…

 

 

 

 

 

THE TAKENS

 

 

PHLIP-adelphia:  No, no problems in my house. The problem for those who DO experience that is likely just as much rooted in the lack of things like trust, self-control and selfesteem. I mean, if anyone goes to Facebook  to rekindle old flames, they would have done it without Facebook as well, Facebook just gave them an easier medium for doing so.

Marriages/divorces are not down/up, respectively, because of social networking; they’re down because people are getting married for the wrong damned reason.

No issue with nonsense, because we do not allow that shit around us. And if by “share passwords” you mean “leave the computer powered on and logged into everything (email, FB, blog, etc…) when I leave the house or go to sleep,” then yes I do.

REV REAL:  Pseudonyms, fake birth dates, and no photos of yourself. Or, as the conservatives call it, “plausible deniability”.

ELPHIE:  REALLY REV, IS THAT YOUR ANSWER?

REV REAL:  What the hell you want me to say? I ain’t pimpin on FB or Black Planet (ELPHIE:  Um is there still a Black Planet?) so I’m not in the game. But if I were, that’s what I’d do. That’s the problem…people try to get so sophisticated with their strategy of not getting caught that they lose the real purpose. An example: my cousin got caught cheating because he used a “discrete” website where married couples looking to cheat could hook up.  But the website popped up in the autofill Google section and the wiz found out, and subsequently cheated on him.   KISS:  Keep It Simple, Skeezah

 

                     

 ELPHIE:  Ya ever wanted to punch a Rev square in the junk?

 

 

 

 

**Today’s avatars brought to you by the BEST SHOW EVER!

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Ask A Dude: Thumb Boxing Fa Love

23

Posted by Elphaba Of The Brew | Posted in Ask A Dude, Ask A Dude The Round Table | Posted on 21-04-2011

 

He is so happy he never has to hear your voice!

So, last weekend I enjoyed a Boozy Brunch with my Lady Boos at remarkably un-bourgoise TASTE SENSATION in DC.  BOTTOMLESS MIMOSAS, HOLLA!  The Androids, iPhones, Blackberries and world’s last Razr (shout out to my technology retarded homie!)  never leave the table.  At intermittent times, my boozy brawds and myself steal a moment away from the convo we’re having to thumb box with the suitor on the other side of the text bubble of our respective phones.

This brings about a never ending conversation, no not about how rude we all are. (We’ve known each other for 20 plus  years…whatevs). But, has modern technology taken the woo out of men? The theory that I posed is, ‘Eh, texting is just for bulljiving around. No one who likes you or is pursuing you would do so via thumbs!” (Then I took 2 more mimosas to the head, and requested a dixel from my TextLovah).

One of my friends completely disagreed. ”Why would a guy waste his time?”  My answer…” Well, how much time does it take to say “LOL”?  Anyways I promised to take it to the dudes.  So here we go:

True or False 

“A guy, when he is “liking on a gal”, will pick up the phone and speak to her and not text her to death?

If you are not getting calls, he does not like you.”

Dudes, you say?!

 

 I DO NOT UNDERSTAND THE CONCEPT OF THE OPTIONS YOU PRESENT  ME:

Rev Real: Depends. He may really like but her be texting  because he lives with someone and calling is inconvenient. Then you have some dudes whose written communication is better than their oral. So not calling doesn’t mean he’s not interested. Usually this just requires a tweak, i.e. The girl saying something like “I like it when you call” to get him to call more often. If he doesn’t call after that…him no likee she.

 

 

 

Simon Sez:  His minutes might not start til nine.  Or he’s at work?

 

 

 

 

Elphie:  Reviews the concept of TRUE OR FALSE.  Nope…hasn’t changed. These guys.

FALSE!:

    The Casher!:  That’s a double-edged sword, but I’ll lean on the side of false. It’s not that guys don’t want to call and talk to you. Sometimes, it’s us not knowing how to get OFF the phone wit yo ass. There were plenty of times when I started to call a woman and thought, “damn…if I call her, she’s talk so much the wax in my ear will boil over and f*ck my phone up. Lemme text her.” True, I liked her. But I know my weakness. If I talk for a few hours on one day, don’t expect me to do that every night. And some women are like that whether they want to admit it or not. Texting allows you to do other things and say what you need to say. I’ll call, but if I don’t, that doesn’t mean I’m not feeling you like that.                                                       

 

 TRUE, WITH A SIDE OF “MEH”:

  SUpreme:  My initial response would be “true”. If I’m just using myself and the guys I know and talk to/hang with, that’s a definite true – texting comes off as though you don’t REALLY want to be bothered that much. But in this new age and time, people act differently…so, playing Devil’s Advocate – let’s say he has a job that doesn’t permit him the freedom to talk when you’re free (he works the night shift, you have a 9 to 5). Maybe that’s his way of trying to keep in contact?

I DO know a guy who keeps in touch with HIS WIFE via Facebook when they’re not together due to conflicting work schedules. So I’ll say and over 30 “true”, but I can’t speak for these young’uns.

 TRUE NUFF!:

The Zombie of Mr. Crab: True. He will talk on the phone unless he’s otherwise occupied (shitter, other poon, Rikers Island/Central Booking). Unless he would rather not hear you babble (#1 reason why texting beats talking to a woman on the phone or in person). Churrrch!

 

Elphie Sez: I’m not sold yet.  If you can’t suck up listening to a lady’s  mundane convo, do you deserve the vagicat? WORK FOR IT GUYS, SHEESH! And for the fellas trying to text while their lady is sitting next to them. Part of bartering for vaginacat (I buy dinner. You give me a handie.) is that you have to listen to some boring broad babble about her boring life. I’m sorry that’s the price you pay for getting your babies gargled. It just is!  If you’re lucky enough you will run into a woman like myself, who  spends at least 5 hours out of her day talking, for a living.  She will NOT want to keep you on the phone for long. But she will appreciate that you wanted to hear her voice.  My point, fellas? Put a little effort into your vagina prospecting, and you might yield better swallowing results!  And ladies, if you want some more attention…SAY SO! AND STILL I RISE.

Today’s Avatars brought to you by, Berry Gordy’s “The Last Dragon”!
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