See this bamma right chere thinks he is doing the most. Soulja Boy is showing off his new Bentley with his hand on his mini-man parts. *blank stare*. Where’s the Drop Squad when you need them? We’re so screwed.
Walk with me people down Stupidity Lane for a minute. You’re working your dream job and you get a raise that puts you at $550,000 a year. That’s a half a million, son! So how do you celebrate? Go to Disneyland? Stay at a Holiday Inn Select? Naw, you get busted for a D.U.I. with a pair of red panties between your legs and “friend girl” who is not your wife in the passenger seat. Still following me? Now we’re make a right turn onto Asshole Alley. University of Georgia Athletic Director Damon Evans and his “pretty boy swag” got pulled over after allegedly doing the cha cha slide with his car. Police say when they stopped Evans he “mentioned” where he worked then said “I am not trying to do bribe you, but is there anything I can do without arresting me?” Screech! Turn left now onto Dufas Drive. After Evans bailed out of jail, The University of George terminated his contract. I’m just waiting for someone to say this is racial. I just dare your cousins to try it!
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So let’s see Hank, your wife’s sex tape “leaks” and now you know why the neighbors know her name. It later comes out that she’s in on the slutbucketness and will profit big time from said tape and you’re okay with all this? Mr. Baskett you are sitting in the Brew’s Cornball Corner for this Brewshyt. Now, I’ma need you to retrieve your balls from the canned peaches jar in the kitchen panty, man up and get yo chick! Didn’t she just have a baby too? Wonder if her name was Kendrisha instead of @KendraWilkinson would she be extended this same courtesy? #justsayin
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In between helping you figure out what to eat in five weeks that will have you looking like Frankie on the stroll, Chef Juan-Carlos Cruz was also trying to get a crew of homeless men to TAKE. HIS. WIFE. OUUUUUTTTT. Cruz wanted the men to stab his wife as she got into his car. The dumas extraordinaire reportedly gave the motley crew a box cutter, cell phone and gloves then showed them a picture of more cash that he would give them if they went through with it. He also showed the men a Sears portrait of wifey so they’d know which Desperate Housewives to snuff out. One of the homeless men got arrested for loitering and rolled that beautiful bean footage. Cruz is sitting in jail on $5 million dollars bail and he’s also sitting our the Brew’s Cornball Corner for his lack of creativity. Why didn’t he just cook up an arsenic pot pie? #just saying
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Where is the Sandman when you need him? I’m about fed up with T-Pain’s Mantan Jiggaboo act. So for some reason (that I really don’t care to research) This autotuned Bamma is posing with Fox’s Sean Hannity, throwing big-ups to the conservative cause? YOU. NEED. MORE. PEOPLE. BOO BOO!
*Disclaimer: People can support who they want, in fact, I love it when voters have a dissenting point of view. However, if acting like a coon is your fulltime gig, you don’t get a pass on this type of Brewshyt!
Guess that Urkel steeze is just a front huh? Our favorite non-threatening Negro, Michael Steele, has been busy as Chairman of the Republican National Committee. His busy days are apparently filled with flipping through the pages of Neiman Marcus’ Christmas catalogue for a private jet and pit stops at freaky clubs! The Daily Caller’s Jonathan Strong is reporting on Steele’s financial shenanigans which include spending thousands on lavish hotel stays and long nights holding “board meetings” at a bondage-themed club in L.A. where topless women reportedly simulate lesbian sex acts. That’s why we could barely find him when it was time to reprimand those Tea Partiers for trying to take us back to the 50s…he was in the Champagne Room! Michael Steele you are so sitting in the Brew’s Cornball Corner for this Brewshyt!
I’m not saying that being a jumpoff is a good thing, but let’s just agree that lately it’s turning into quite a profitable profession, propelling the most unknown mattress backs into stardom…at least for a few minutes. That being said I still think that decorum is key when taking on said role. In other words, PLAY YOUR POSITION! Which means that if you can’t keep your legs closed to married men (© NeNe Leakes) at least don’t rub their wife’s face in things by posing spread eagle with some furry friends (pun intended) on the cover of a magazine. And more importantly, when you open said magazine and realize you played yourself, don’t get mad! Word on the curb is that John Edwards’ BM Rielle Hunter is said to be ‘in tears’ over that hot mess spread she did for GQ. Barbara Walters told her co-hosts on “The View” that the sideline ho called her in hysterics – saying she found the photos “replusive”. *Blank stare*. Rielle, you know your arse is sitting in The Brew’s Cornball Corner for this Brewshyt!
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You know when you watch the news and hold your breath when you hear a crime story in the hopes that the alleged perpetrator is not a part of the “Darker Nation”? Then when you see the grainy survelliance footage or mugshot showing a white or hispanic guy, you exhale and feel better about your life? Well, this is one of those times. 17-year-old Caitlin Igham and this 21-year-old cornball, Kristopher Santillo, were arrested after a string of bank robberies over the past two weeks in Dartmouth. When cops caught up to the two, they were in a motel room with Santillo’s girlfriend just two minutes away from one of the robbery scenes. The 17-year-old tried to say three black men forced her to go all “Set If Off” but police didn’t believe her. Both are in jail. I know Stevie said he believed chulrren are our future, but if that’s the case we are so focked!
“When the grass is cut, the snakes will show”… So for this next story, let’s say the grass is Haiti and the snakes, well, take your pick: Pat Robertson, Rush Lim-fat-baugh and now former NBA benchwarmer Paul Shirley. Shirley, whose brief (and I mean brief) NBA career (18 games and 33 points), is not feeling Haiti at all. He blogged on Flip Collective why he won’t be pitching any of his pennies to help: “I haven’t donated a cent to the Haitian relief effort. And I probably will not. I haven’t donated to the Haitian relief effort for the same reason that I don’t give money to homeless men on the street. Based on past experiences, I don’t think the guy with the sign that reads “Need You’re Help” is going to do anything constructive with the dollar I might give him. If I use history as my guide, I don’t think the people of Haiti will do much with my money either…. Shouldn’t much of the responsibility for the disaster lie with the victims of that disaster?”
(*crickets chirping*) But wait…it gets worse better. The former Iowa standout also wrote a ficticious letter to the earthquake victims:
Dear Haitians –
First of all, kudos on developing the poorest country in the Western Hemisphere. Your commitment to human rights, infrastructure, and birth control should be applauded.
As we prepare to assist you in this difficult time, a polite request: If it’s possible, could you not re-build your island home in the image of its predecessor? Could you not resort to the creation of flimsy shanty- and shack-towns? And could some of you maybe use a condom once in a while?
Sincerely,
The Rest of the World
(*Picks bottom lip off floor*) ESPN fired Shirley from his freelance gig. So I guess this solves Shirley’s problem of whether to donate since he’s pockets just took a bit fat hit!
Paul Shirley you are sitting in the Brew’s Cornball Corner, permanently!
This Brewshyt right chere makes me want to gouge my eyes out with K-Ci’s pointy ass ribs! Please crip walk with me for a minute down a long, dark and bumpy road patrolled by this heavy-breathing, asthmatic Dom who spits hot Dylan fire while trying to turn a trick out! Where do we start? Chinese wig store wave cap? Check! A FUPA with the biggest belly button this side of the Mississippi? Check! Saggy tittays? Check! Giving your Brewchies fire and desire? Priceless! It’s been a long ass day and I cannot with this broad so for stealing five minutes of my life that I spent vomiting and trembling in front of my computer, he/she/it is sitting the cornball corner…”know what I’m sayin’?”
Sample the sessiness!
Cheese and arse is never a good thing paired together especially on your red Martha Stewart for Kmart sheet set. What in the thuglovinstripperhell is going on right chere? Why this little bird-chested fella thought it was a good idea to pose with his favorite low budget snack is beyond me but for this my friend you have found yourself in the Brew’s Cornball Corner. Get me Derek Blanks on the phone, stat!
