You ever witness something so dreadful that all you can do is tilt your head to the side and watch it from the sideline in a mix of horror, disgust and amusement??? I find myself having a crapload of moments like this whilst browsing facebook and took note of the things that really twist my teets into a pretzel…..

Essay length status updates – A proper status is “Piper is gettin laid: or “Piper is eating steak” not “Piper is going to kill the next man that does her wrong because her arms are too short to box with God and I’m really gonna be pissed if my dog peed on the floor again and boy oh boy do I love donuts I hope that dress I ordered from Plump Vixens fits” That is way way way too much info, no one cares.

Essay length quarrels: Seriously? no like seriously? Did you just type an essay to argue your point??? man listen, if it’s on Facebook  it is NEVERthat serious, back away from the keyboard and go for a run, that is way more productive than getting your fingers in a tizzy

Blockers and Shot Callers- Listen ma’am/sir, you are soooo not that serious, I simply do not see the point to this ridiculous nonsense, if you have to ultra block someone why are they an electronic friend??? just go hard and never add them in the first place right? The only exception to this should be your ma and pa, My mother forced my block hand when she posted on my wall that I could have better luck with the fellas if I wore shorter skirts…….. INSTA BLOCKED!!

Mofos who use their status to cut you –  ”….. hates it when friends steal ish from your house blah blah blah”or some other punk arse status meant to take a jab at someone you feel wronged you, come on, this is the lamest ish an adult person can do, STOP IT!

Tagged Pictures - ok general rule, if I look hot, tag the chit outta me! but if we were at happy hour last Friday and the only shots you managed to get of me are ones in which all my chins and all my guts came out to enjoy the festivities as well, then please refrain from going on a tag bonanza, not cool! 

Friend Troll - ok perusing through my friends list for hotties is just super sad and thirsty sir, is you serious??? just yuk….. STOP!

Wall posts - “Hey piper! just checking in on you” is totally acceptable, “Hey Piper, I’ll remember the condoms this time” is not! USE WALLS RESPONSIBLY PEOPLE!!!

Games and Apps – When I’m having a crap day, the last thing I wanna see is an app informing me “you have been entered into the cutest fat chick contest, click this link to see where you stand” eff you Mr. Application, stay the eff up off my wall!! No one wants to be entered in these contests so cut this ish out!

Pokes- I sitll don’t understand the purpose of a poke, it makes me angry to receive notice that I’ve been poked, feels like someone has beef with me and I don’t do Internet beef

Updates to your ‘relationship’ status- I mean really??? “in a relationship with……” seriously? “it’s complicated with…..”.I want options like “single and dating d*ckheads” or “vagicat closed for renovations” but if those options are never made available I need you guys to know that no one cares where your love life stands like that, trust me, no one cares……..

“So, do you have a Facebook account?” Says the guy who a month before contacted me on Facebook to get my new cellphone number. 

When I pause, confused, he says “No… no.. I mean are we friends on Facebook?” Am I supposed to believe that he did not remember sending me a friend request…and after I accepted he did not troll through my photos before deciding to make this 5 year since the last time I saw you booty call?  “Yea, you should come visit me.  Do you have a man?”

“Yes…Yes. I TOTALLY have a man!”  I respond, hoping that wraps this awkward odd, 5 years too damn late, conversation up…nope.

“You should sneak down here and visit me.”

” I don’t lie and I don’t sneak.”

Ignoring my pesky ethics. “Yea ,yea…I’ll send you a ticket. We’re Facebook Friends right?  Let me check out your recent pics.”

So, let me get this shit straight.  Not only are you willing to send me a ticket (you possibly cannot think that I’m visiting you on my dime) for a trip that I have said I DO NOT WANT  but you want me to really  believe you haven’t already scoped that I have not had some disfiguring accident before you made said offer?  Are men really THAT HORNY?!? 

 And let’s say just for one second that you did NOT scope me out prior to making this call.  Am I supposed to be flattered that you were driving along (likely with a semi stiffie) thinking… ‘you know who gave good poont FIVE YEARS AGO?? Yea… I’mma call her up… I wonder if we’re Facebook friends.”

I hate you and you’re stupid. FML.

What’s On Your Mind?: I think I peed on myself!

Sometimes letting your fingers do the talking is NOT a good thing, especially after three top shelf Margaritas at 3am! Well a new application is putting a stop to it! The Social Media Sobriety Test is a free plug-in that when set, prompts you to pass a test of sorts on whichever social media sites you want. Clever!
Source
Here’s a peak:

Social Media Sobriety Test from TDA_Boulder on Vimeo.

A Florida woman is going to hell in a handbasket after killing her baby over a Facebook game.

A north Florida mother has pleaded guilty to shaking her baby to death after the boy’s crying interrupted her game on Facebook.

Alexandra V. Tobias pleaded guilty to second-degree murder on Wednesday and remains jailed.

The Florida Times-Union reports that she told investigators she was angered because the boy was crying while she was playing the game FarmVille.

The paper also reports that she told investigators she shook the boy, smoked a cigarette to compose herself and then shook him again.

She will be sentenced in December. State guidelines call for 25 to 50 years, but a prosecutor said it could be shorter than that.

A telephone message and an e-mail sent by The Associated Press to her attorney weren’t immediately returned.

What a dumbarse.

Source
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I think that empirical data fully support that Twitter is the Devil. What does that make Facebook?

Futtahmore…if you know you have a crazy ass ex… BLOCK THAT FOO’ OR DELETE YOUR ISH!!

Sheriff’s officials in North Carolina say a woman was shot and killed by her ex-boyfriend after she changed her Facebook status to “engaged.”

The Daily News of Jacksonville reported on Tuesday that Onslow County Sheriff’s Maj. Donnie Worrell said 63-year-old Karen Ann Rooney was shot twice in the torso in her home. Worrell said 62-year-old Peter Terrance Moonan then killed himself with the same .357-caliber handgun.

Worrell said their bodies were discovered last Saturday by a neighbor who wanted to introduce his wife to Rooney. The neighbor also said Rooney had begun dating another man. Rooney and Moonan dated for 16 years, and tax records show they bought a home together in 2002 before breaking up last February. Worrell said the couple didn’t have a history of domestic violence.

source

A broad can’t even be a little depressed without the Facebook snitches droppin’ dime.

Nathalie Blanchard works for IBM, but she’s been on long term sick leave because she’s got a case of the sads.  The 29 year old has been on leave from her job in Quebec for the last year and a half after being diagnosed with depression.  She was getting a monthly check from her insurance company until they cut a bish off!  When Blanchard called to make the typical “uh, where the eff is my check” rant, the insurer said she was available to work because of … (*cue debbil music*) Facebook!

Blanchard’s insurance agent had clicked on the woman’s Facebook page and spotted pictures of her getting her rocks off at a Chippendales show and on vacation.  The insurance company used that as proof that she’s over her depression and thus, no longer needed them to cut da check!

Ain’t that a mofo!

Blanchard said she told the company she was taking a trip and that her doctor told her she needed to get out the house.  So she did.  

See, that’s why ya’ll need to block the hell outta your Facebook pages.

A broad can’t even be a little depressed without the Facebook snitches droppin’ dime.

Nathalie Blanchard works for IBM, but she’s been on long term sick leave because she’s got a case of the sads.  The 29 year old has been on leave from her job in Quebec for the last year and a half after being diagnosed with depression.  She was getting a monthly check from her insurance company until they cut a bish off!  When Blanchard called to make the typical “uh, where the eff is my check” rant, the insurer said she was available to work because of … (*cue debbil music*) Facebook!

Blanchard’s insurance agent had clicked on the woman’s Facebook page and spotted pictures of her getting her rocks off at a Chippendales show and on vacation.  The insurance company used that as proof that she’s over her depression and thus, no longer needed them to cut da check!

Ain’t that a mofo!

Blanchard said she told the company she was taking a trip and that her doctor told her she needed to get out the house.  So she did.  

See, that’s why ya’ll need to block the hell outta your Facebook pages.

A broad can’t even be a little depressed without the Facebook snitches droppin’ dime.

Nathalie Blanchard works for IBM, but she’s been on long term sick leave because she’s got a case of the sads.  The 29 year old has been on leave from her job in Quebec for the last year and a half after being diagnosed with depression.  She was getting a monthly check from her insurance company until they cut a bish off!  When Blanchard called to make the typical “uh, where the eff is my check” rant, the insurer said she was available to work because of … (*cue debbil music*) Facebook!

Blanchard’s insurance agent had clicked on the woman’s Facebook page and spotted pictures of her getting her rocks off at a Chippendales show and on vacation.  The insurance company used that as proof that she’s over her depression and thus, no longer needed them to cut da check!

Ain’t that a mofo!

Blanchard said she told the company she was taking a trip and that her doctor told her she needed to get out the house.  So she did.  

See, that’s why ya’ll need to block the hell outta your Facebook pages.

Dear Lord,

Help your children.

A Facebook love letter caused two teachers at a Georgia middle school to rumble in front of their students.  32 yr. old Shaka Cobb says she’s pregnant by another teacher at the school. She snooped in his Facebook account and found a love letter from another school employee, 25 yr. old Ebony Smith.


Cobb send a nasty message to Smith and when they got to school on Monday, oh it was on like popcorn.  8th graders watched as the two women cussed each other out, threw punches and threatened to post the Facebook message for the entire school to read.


Both teachers are on paid administrative leave, facing charges of disorderly conduct. Smith’s also accused of battery because she started the fight.

Facebook is de debbil! 

White Jesus would definitely not approve. 

Amen!

Source

Being single in a city full of singles afford me the opportunity to meet a host of gentlemen of all types and shapes. Since I’ve always been a guy’s girl, I have collected a few, let’s call them “friendboys”, who turn to me when it’s time to discuss their girl game. The other day one of these friendboys told me that he heard his ex-girlfriend had moved on. Nothing new, life goes on, blah, blah, blah, BUT now we gots the internetz and the stalkers application called Facebook. So of course this dude checks out his ex’s new beau and apparently he was no stunna. So does this guy relish in this little fun fact and go on about his life? Nooooooooo. This is where the story takes a left at Narcissistic Ave. Dude picks up the phone, calls his ex and lets her know that he’s the better catch? He basically breaks her down and by the end of the convo she’s upset and he’s satisfied. Lesson here? Sometimes your ex’s selection in mates might not make sense to you, and it’s cool to talk with your friends about how the new boo looks like Gollum, but why point that out to your ex? If there are no feelings there anymore what’s the point? Are all men really this egotistic?….Discuss.

Being single in a city full of singles afford me the opportunity to meet a host of gentlemen of all types and shapes. Since I’ve always been a guy’s girl, I have collected a few, let’s call them “friendboys”, who turn to me when it’s time to discuss their girl game. The other day one of these friendboys told me that he heard his ex-girlfriend had moved on. Nothing new, life goes on, blah, blah, blah, BUT now we gots the internetz and the stalkers application called Facebook. So of course this dude checks out his ex’s new beau and apparently he was no stunna. So does this guy relish in this little fun fact and go on about his life? Nooooooooo. This is where the story takes a left at Narcissistic Ave. Dude picks up the phone, calls his ex and lets her know that he’s the better catch? He basically breaks her down and by the end of the convo she’s upset and he’s satisfied. Lesson here? Sometimes your ex’s selection in mates might not make sense to you, and it’s cool to talk with your friends about how the new boo looks like Gollum, but why point that out to your ex? If there are no feelings there anymore what’s the point? Are all men really this egotistic?….Discuss.

Being single in a city full of singles afford me the opportunity to meet a host of gentlemen of all types and shapes. Since I’ve always been a guy’s girl, I have collected a few, let’s call them “friendboys”, who turn to me when it’s time to discuss their girl game. The other day one of these friendboys told me that he heard his ex-girlfriend had moved on. Nothing new, life goes on, blah, blah, blah, BUT now we gots the internetz and the stalkers application called Facebook. So of course this dude checks out his ex’s new beau and apparently he was no stunna. So does this guy relish in this little fun fact and go on about his life? Nooooooooo. This is where the story takes a left at Narcissistic Ave. Dude picks up the phone, calls his ex and lets her know that he’s the better catch? He basically breaks her down and by the end of the convo she’s upset and he’s satisfied. Lesson here? Sometimes your ex’s selection in mates might not make sense to you, and it’s cool to talk with your friends about how the new boo looks like Gollum, but why point that out to your ex? If there are no feelings there anymore what’s the point? Are all men really this egotistic?….Discuss.