I know this topic has probably been beaten over the head a gazillion times but I still feel compelled to talk about it. Are we really meant to be in lasting relationships? My best friend and I have been friends since our freshman year in our all girls catholic high school (everything you ever heard about catholic school girls is true, we nassy! Teehee) in the Bronx since 1984. So 20+ years later we are still best friends, still in each other lives. When I moved to the DC area, within a couple of months she was right here with me. I say all this to say that my relationships with woman seem to be the only ones that last. I am still friends with many of my childhood friends. Now men on the other hand, that’s a totally different story. Those relationships never last, I mean obviously I’ve had boyfriends and relationships with men that I thought would last but ultimately they didn’t. So what gives here? Ok like for instance, when I first moved here I met and eventually fell in love with a young man we’ll call Tito to protect his identity. I had actually met him on blackplanet.com before I moved here. So at any rate, I get here, move into my temporary housing and he and I become best buds, we go out, he shows me around the town blah blah blah. To make a long story short we eventually move in together and in my mind I thought he was it. Thought we would be together forever, seriously. Was I a Pollyanna? I mean I had no reason to think we would not last, before anything else we were friends, we had awesome chemistry, the sex was great. I mean all the things that make for a great relationship was present in ours. But I did notice that once we became a ‘couple’ we stopped kissing as much as we used to. Now I happen to love kissing and I’m probably the best kisser in the whole wide world (like fa real, I have references, I don’t play!) and I mean he totally loved kissing me, but once we started getting into a routine that was one of the first things I started to notice wasn’t the same anymore. So if I fast forward to when we broke up, it was actually on yahoo IM. I knew something weird was going on with us, so I im’ed him when I got to work:
About to be dumped: “hey babe, do we need to talk about anything?”
The Dumper: “um er rah, yeah baby, um we’ll talk when you get home”
So from that I knew it was going down. And let me tell you I went fuckin apeshit!! I really wanted to fight for that relationship because I knew deep inside we were right for one another but the problem is that both of us had to feel that way and at the time only one of us did. So now fast forward to present day, me and the above dumper are still friends but I find it hard to fully submit to the friendship. I will always love him but I resent that he didn’t want our thing to work. Now the few times we talk he does tell me that he regrets not seeing things through with us and I hear it in his voice but I get so mad that it makes it hard for me to be his friend completely. This is the story of my life, I can’t think of one man that has been with me that doesn’t end up wanting me back. Why is this the case???? Why do we have to let someone go to realize what we had? I’m so tired of the bullshit. Right now I’m at the point where I don’t even want a boyfriend but that’s a whole different blog all together, just had these random thoughts in my head.
I used to have such pure, flowery thoughts about love and relationships but the older I get the more I start to think that loving just one person forever is not realistic. Don’t even get me started on my close friends that are in shitty marriages, the shitload of married men that wanna wife me (right! Exactly, imagine that!), husbands of married people I know that try to get at me. I mean seriously don’t get me started on marriage. That shit is a lie and a farce. I think I may know only one genuinely happy married couple in my real life. I’m not sure what that means but some of the horror stories I hear from married peeps make me feel great about being single. I said I wanted to have a baby by the time I turn 38, I’ll be 38 in November so I guess I have to seriously start weighing my options. There are only 2, adoption or sperm bank. Ugh, I have some time to figure it out I suppose.
I like to deal with my issues one at a time and right now the more pressing issue I have is trying to figure out how to stop my thongs from showing when I sit down in public places. The thing is I can feel the air on my crack but every time I adjust my top the shit just rides up again. Now I know what you’re thinking, “bitch, wear your size!” well to that I say “no!” why should I wear my right size? No one else does. Like right now I’m in my office with my crack just hanging out and shit to be honest the breeze feels great!