My BFF in my head, funny lady Maya Rudolph stopped by SNL last night as Whitney Houston to dispense some great drug advice to apparent smokestack Miley Cyrus.

As I get older it seems each birthday comes with more introspection, am I happy? If I’m not happy am I doing my best to change the things that are in my power to change? (nothing worse than a complainer that sits on her ass and does nothing but complain) Are the people I’m calling friends truly living up to that title? Do I need to do a ‘people colonic’ and remove the toxic mofos from my cipher? Does the yelling my mother does in the phone inch her closer and closer to living in a home as opposed to living with me in her golden years? These are all the things I think of as my born day approaches.

I would say about 3 birthdays ago I got over the whole, “I’m supposed to have this or that by this age” thing. That is not a cool nor a productive way to live your life. You are supposed to have what the fug you have and be who the fug you are as you are right now. So I’m good there, finally. But I am always looking to improve, like always. I have been working on losing this 40lbs since I was like 16, and I will never stop trying, like ever…. I ain’t no giver upper!

So that’s it! I have decided that this birthday I will be celebrating my resillency, how when life has kicked me in the gut and stolen my Gucci bag that I purchased from a prime bootleger in Chinatown, I have not given up, I won’t give up. I love that about me, it’s probably my best quality. As long as I’m alive I’m gonna always try my best. I used to give up because I felt like I gave my all and didn’t get the result I wanted so I decided that God must not want me to have said outcome, but that is not the case at all. So what I’ve been trying to lose 40lbs since puberty, so what! Guess what? I have thoroughly enjoyed all the steaks, fries, and ice cream that have prevented me from doing so, so there’s been a lot joy attached to this extra weight, so technically I haven’t failed myself at all, I’ve just been happy and let me tell you something, when you get to happy you have accomplished a helluva lot

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!!!!!

So everyone who knows me knows that I love hip-hop, to say the least. I don’t mean this new ignant hook over beats ish, I’m talking about ANTE-UP-SCENARIO-SUPERTHUG-ONE MORE CHANCE type business. The winter white bomber wearing, hanging with your girls with some big ass earring on the Ave joints. I rarely listen to the radio anymore because I want to stab my eye out with a sharp pencil sometimes. Needless to say I was super excited about the new ATCQ documentary by Michael Rapaport (@rapaportmichael), “Beats, Rhymes & Life: The Travels of a Tribe Called Quest“. Now I’m no Dream Hamptom but here’s my honest analysis of the movie. It was good!!! It starts at the end so to speak, beef between Q-Tip, Ali and Phife Dawg ended their 10 yr + run, the crew is barely speaking, well really it’s Phife and John/Q-Tip/Kamal not feeling the love and Ali Shaheed Muhammed caught in the middle. (BTW – Jesus be a set of braces because ASM is fione!!!! – Yum) Then it goes back to the beginning and how the group forms with all members including a well-spoken and impressive Jarobi recounting their mega-career and at the end, mega-beef with one disturbing exchange between Q-Tip and Phife caught on tape. To be honest, it was hard to watch the inside bickering, @iamthephifer’s failing health and his life-controlling sugar addiction. I could tell that Michael Rapaport respects the art tremendously. And hey, I always can rock with a cool white boy even though I keep seeing him as crazy ass Remy from Higher Learning, lol! I didn’t feel like it painted any member in a negative light as @Qtiptheabstract later claimed. I see both sides to the Phife/Tip beef. I also forgot how great of a music producer Q-Tip really is! I love the cameos, especially Busta Rhymes talking about how one ATCQ song makes him cry. The movie also exposed a true bond between all four members that brought Jarobi to tears at one point. I don’t want to give everything away but “Beats, Rhymes & Life” is definitely a melancholy walk back down memory lane. A fun ride that we should all support. Let’s just hope Cash Money Brothers does not try this at home! Remember: A, E, I, O, U and sometimes mf’in Y!!!

So I went to see a few picture shows this weekend with my soror visiting from outta town, First stop was ‘Bridesmaids’ which was absolutely hee-larry-ous! if you haven’t seen it yet you  must go at once! Next stop was “Jumping the Broom” ( I had originally said I wasn’t gonna see it but since we were movie hopping… wha the hell!) I didn’t like it that much but it wasn’t the worst either. But this is not a movie review, this is about the a-hole lady that we encountered when trying to find seats next to one another before the start of “Jumping the Broom”. Ok so you know how you get inside the theatre and all the seats are almost filled but there’s scattered seating and if one person simply moves over a seat you and your pal/date can sit together? Seems real simple right? Well it was when we got in the theatre for “Bridesmaids”, we couldn’t find 2 seats together so we approached a couple and before we could even ask “excuse can you move over one?” they were already out of their seats and moved over with a smile. No drama, no tooth sucking, no eye rolling…. nuffin! Ok great, everything smooth. But wait! not so fast! We go inside the “Jumping the Broom” theatre and run into the same situation. My girl excuses herself to the ladies room and leaves me with the task of finding us 2 seats together, no biggie, I see some options and make my approach. As I lean over and ask a couple if they mind moving over one,  the bullshiggity ensues. The man quickly gets up, the woman however does not budge, she sits still, lips pouted out, sucks teeth, looks over at her boo and says “why did you move? I mind and I’m not moving!”

HOLY CHIT!!! so at this point I think it noteworthy to point out that they were colored and she was a loud and proud member of Alpha Kappa Alpha sorority, I could not believe what had just occurred, neither could her man. In the end he gets up and moves to the seat next to hers. Why are we so mean and disgusting to one another??? Like what would make an obviously college educated woman, throw on her colors and then proceed to go out in public and be a complete ahole to a woman who could have very well been a member of the same organization??? I was quite surprised that she would display this kind of behavior while wearing her AKA para, like wow! It all happened so fast but if I was really thinking I shoulda said ” well gee thanks soror for your kindness” (even though I’m a Zeta”).  I’m not trying to make it seem like I haven’t encountered ignorance of ginormous proportions before but this one really threw me off, like what the fook!

I have no idea what was up her arse and I certainly do not think all AKA’s are obnoxious pigs, but her psycho behavior reminded me that we should always be conscious of who we are presenting to the world. That was not the way to rep your set miss!  Stop being so damn mean and smile sometimes just to smile……… and oh yeah, if someone asks you to move over one so they can sit next to their pal…. 

GET CHO FAT ARSE UP AND MOVE YOU JERK!!!!!! GOOD GRIEF!!

I haven’t been blogging lately, my real life has zapped the last vestiges of  ability to string cohesion  from the  random petty thoughts swimming around in my wonky dome.   Maybe if I just spit  some of it out here, I can get some clarity..

Kick it!

 1. Justin Timberlake is an effing tool. On the Oscars red carpet, last night,when referring to N’Sync said “I was in a little group…moonlighting as a touring group”. Lemme tell you something Timbers, I know you consider yourself a master thespian right now. Dick in the Box was a breakthrough performance, after all. *blink*

But how dare you insult the kids, now adults, who were rolling with your bama ass when you had a wet set and dye job!

I hope Joey opens a can of Fatone on your ass! Kudos though, on leaving that wet blanket (nice arse doe!) girlfriend of yours home, and bringing ya mama. If the rumors are true and you are smooshing the Kunis…kudos again! But seriously, stop throwing people under the bus. You’re cementing your rep as a backstabbing, bama! (The negro collalition will never forget how you did Janet.) #TEAMJCCHAZEZ

I’m a little ashamed of this…but I’ll put it out there anyway.  Watching the news while getting ready for work this morning…doing 10 things at once. I see this straight up hottie on the news.  He’s got that people of indigenous origins swag that I find so intoxicating. I turn the volume up and instantly feel gross, it’s Saif al-Islam Qaddafi.  Son of Libyan Dictator Muammar.  We all know crazy doesn’t fall far from the tree, and homie is proving that in spades. How can someone so insane be, so well…sexy? Open air raids on citizens…check!  Issuing orders to kill protesters? Check! Offering up to outfit supporters with weapons to bust a cap on those who dare challenge your regime? Check and double check. Um, I’m scared, and disgusted…yet aroused.

I mean I’ve dated crazy before (like the guy who boiled chicken breasts and kept themwarm on his dashboard)…but this is certifiable!  I need to call my shrink, I think we have a breakthrough!

CHARLIE EMEFFING SHEEN: “Not a day that cost anybody any money. I missed practice. We’re talking about practice. To quote the great Allen Iverson, practice. Come on guys we’re talking about practice.”  I now see why Charlie Sheen is the highest paid actor on TV. He is made of win.. druggie druggie WIN!  From the notable quotables…to the interviews. Charlie Estevez Sheen, cleaned up is something to behold, so I know Charlie high on that ish, was probably a complete train wreck.  I find it ironic, that the man has been killing himself for years, and celebrated.  (To my confusion, because he is the suckiest actor ever!) But the minute you make a anti Semitic comment — NOW you’re a problem. You don’t think this fool was talking about Jews, Gheys, Negroids, Messicans and Little People!? HE’S A DRUG ADDICT.  Is it somehow less important to hold a drug addict accountable for his safety and the safety of his paid sensual companions and co-workers than political correctness? This society is amazing.

 As the Brew has said time and again, Esperanza Spalding is an amazing gifted performer. She even has a bitchin’ head of hair. But don’t tell that to Justin Beiber fans. Pissed that she won last night’s Grammy Award for Best New Artist, Beeb’s dweebs decided it was WikiWar.

There’s a new strain of Beiber Fever, that apparently affects stans ability to accept defeat for an award they themselves were not up for! Beiber fever apparently makes you racist and stupid and makes you replace words with an “I” with a “Y”!  Go figure.

Beware the wrath of a Justin Bieber fan scorned. After the 16-year-old phenom — and, for that matter, Drake, Florence and the Machine and Mumford & Sons — lost the Best New Artist award to Esperanza Spaldingat the Grammys on Sunday, the little-known jazz singer found herself a target of the Beliebers.

Spalding’s Wikipedia page was attacked following her Grammy win, as random facts, misstatements and taunts were added to the site and then quickly removed. After a sentence noting her victory, for example, a user added the statement, “Justin Bieber deserved it go die in a hole. Who the heck are you anyway?”

                                               In other places, the singer’s middle name was changed to both “Justin” and “Quesadilla” and her Grammy win was written up with the addendum,          “Even though no one has ever heard of her! Yay!” At the end of her biography, one user wrote, “Biber 4 Lyfe.” Source: MTV

As for Beebs himself;  he seems to be fine, knowing that he is swimming in all the trim a 16 year old fella could ever want, must be a nice consolation prize! And why were his fans even allowed to be up so late?! Raise your friggen kids, yo!

Self esteem is a POWERFUL tool.  A healthy self esteem not only effects every relationship you have with others but the one with yourself.  If you love yourself, truly love yourself there are NO outside forces that can make you feel less than a masterpiece.  Unfortunately, some people are weak. Weak enough to make an appointment with a non medical professional in a non-medical setting to have some  non-medical grade silicone, injected in their hind-parts.  Low self-esteem and bargain hunting are a toxic mix.

A New Jersey woman who once received buttock-enhancing injections was the go-between who arranged the same procedure for Claudia Seye Aderotimi, an aspiring British actress. Police are now hunting for a second woman who they say handled the needles.

Aderotimi, 20, died Monday, two days after she had been injected in a hotel room near Philadelphia International Airport. It was her second trip here to receive the shots, billed as a way to change a person’s physique without surgery.

On a British website for aspiring performers, Aderotimi called herself Carmella James, adding, “but Superstar is my middle name.” She said she had been a back-up dancer for two musical performers and appeared in a short-lived television comedy.

Aderotimi got far more publicity in death than she had in life. British newspapers have published stories about her life and death and have sent reporters to Philadelphia.

Investigators spent part of Wednesday interviewing the Saddle River, N.J., woman who they said set up the Saturday appointment through e-mails and telephone calls, and was in the hotel room while the injections were administered. She has not been charged.

A search warrant was executed on her New Jersey home Tuesday night, Philadelphia Police Lt. Ray Evers said. Various “electronic items” were removed, police said Wednesday.

The second woman, who police say they believe performed the procedure, lives in the Philadelphia area. Evers would not say whether the two women previously worked together, but he said other clients might come forward. Aderotimi’s earlier treatment was in November, Evers said.

source

 Sometimes a quick fix, will fix you for good!  I wouldn’t even want my ass to look like this face.

(liquid silicone gone wrong)

Ok so let’s say you like a boy, said boy prolly doesn’t like you back or at least he hasn’t given you any hints that he does anyway. So let’s then say that you’re out on the town with your cousin who happens to mention that she requested this boy as a facebook friend, you know, the one you like. How do you react? If you’re a normal, stable woman you probably don’t react at all or maybe just throw her a lil shade (you know how we do) But what cha don’t do is attempt to run your cousin over 2 times with your minivan and leave her severely injured in the freezing cold.

SERIOUSLY??? WTF!! Are we really that man obsessed that we try to kill a family member over a facebook request????

Facebook is truly becoming the devil, IT’S NOT THAT SERIOUS!

Melanie Spanopoulous, YOU ARE A STONE COLD BAMMA!!! Shame on you!

So I was watching ‘Millionaire Matchmaker’ a couple of Sundays ago cause I couldn’t find anything else to watch as I waited for a bad case of the chits to run it’s course so I could proceed with my day and on comes millionaire Robin. Robin is a 33 year old Jewish woman who loves Matthew McConaughey and her two dogs more than life….. Robin is also for lack of a better word, fat. Not chubby, not fluffy, not a plumper, not a thickie thick, just fat. Robin’s ideal boo has to be fine and has to look like Matthew McConaughey (big surprise right?), looks are top priority for Robin. Now if you’ve ever watched this show then you know that Patti Stanger, the owner of the company is pretty sassy in the mouth area. When Patti meets Robin her first thought is “hmmm, um er rah, so this fat woman needs a dreamboat dude, why does she think she deserves a McConaughey look-a-like, she doesn’t even take care of herself!” Soooooo, Patti’s commentary got me to thinking, is there some truth to it? The comment clearly insinuates that a fat woman has no right to want a looker, that a  fat woman should take what she can get and pretty much stay in her overweight lane.  As WTF as that sounds maybe it’s not a total stretch to think that a woman who wants a man who works out and watches what he eats should perhaps do the same. Maybe…… I mean this certainly doesn’t account for the many luscious looking men who enjoy a woman of hefty poundage but for the most part a man that’s smokin hot isn’t knocking down walls to get to the gal with the ferocious appetite.

Patti’s comment was mean and probably thoughtless, I mean why should a person who weighs more than average have to settle for the scraps of society, that’s bullshit! I mean after all Robin is a millionaire, maybe her money gives her the right to be super picky. I’m well aware that we live in a weight obsessed world but when we start implying that you can’t have preferences because your not at an ideal weight then things become very troubling to me.

Ok ,Ok I kid.. I am only speculating that Hugh Heffner has been actually dead for about the  last 15 years. Annnnyway, what woman in a failed longterm realationship- that she wanted to lead to marriage – would not be a wee bit salty that the next trick reaped the benes of her  hard work and actually got the ring?   So, imagine the punch to the gut Holly must have felt upon hearing of the Christmas engagement of her ex  and his new lady Crystal (Whateverhernameis).

Hey, at least despite any evidence of talent, Holly got a career out of her years of wormy group sex with Grampy Hef! Best thing I got from my ex is a Box set of “Arrested Development” DVDs.  She seems like a sweet girl, she’ll be fine…and one day the smell of Ben Gay will disappear from her privates.

“I have a lot of different feelings on it. I don’t just feel one way. I kind of didn’t want to put a generic statement out there like ‘Congratulations!’ because I felt everyone would see through that.”

AW dang, it’s days before Christmas, and if you’re like me- you haven’t even made a shopping list yet.  

Consider me your Brokedown Oprah.. you’re getting a look at my favorite things, but you’ve gotta go buy this ish yourself!

 Need a gift for your Bookish Bestie?

  “32 Candles”by Ernessa T. Carter is  a root for the heroine, weep for the heroine, side eye the heroine, twisty gem of a debut novel.  I’m kind of a snob, and anything suggested by my nemisis ”Essence” magazine, I would normally side-eye. But trust me, your best bud won’t be able to put this down. I can’t say enough that wouldn’t give the good stuff away.   Read the reviews and order at Amazon!  If you hit the Powerball, load that sucker up on the new Kindle 3!

SYNOPSIS:  HERE

 

 

Need a gift for Living Well LaWanda?

  Your fitness fiend friend would likely enjoy anything that gives her a new motivation. Gadgets are great for that. I LURRRVE my Nike+ Sportsband. I seriously will NOT run without it. I mean if I can’t log in that I’ve done 3 damn miles- then it was just like they never happened! 

The Nike+ SportBand tracks your distance, pace, time and calories burned while you run in an easy-to-read display. It’s also your connection to the world’s largest running club on Nikeplus.com, where you can log and review runs, get training advice, challenge friends and more. After each workout simply remove the Nike+ Link and connect it to your computer’s USB port to go to nikeplus.com, where you can see your progress and take part in the Nike+ community. The Nike+ SportBand memory saves 30 hours’ worth of your workouts for review. BUY HERE

And if she’s been getting your your nerves lately with all the talk of her uber fitness, splurge and buy her the INSANITY workout.  That’ll shut her up, REAL GOOD.

Your Whoreish Best Dude?

Condoms of the Month Club membership. Yes, such a thing exists. Nothing says you care like getting your dude BFF a stash of  love gloves.  If he’s extra hoey…give him this framed Jet with El DeBarge talking about his TWELVE kids.