Witches' Brew | White Jesus Approved

Brew Quotes: You’ve Got To Work To See Madonna

Witch Hazel — Thu, 02 Feb 2012 23:12:11 +0000

Madonna’s I’m alive, I still make music, I’m still here promo tour is in full swing in the run up to her new album, which is due out in late March. She’ll be performing a medley of her hits at the Super Bowl this weekend (and she’d better hit some “Holiday” and “Borderline,” or a Witch will write a letter). Madge is expected to tour this year to promote the new album. “MDNA.” Many of her critics (and perhaps, some fans too) have been critical of her high ticket prices in recent years. She shrugged off those critics, telling Newsweek:

“Start saving your pennies now. People spend $300 on crazy things all the time, things like handbags. So work all year, scrape the money together and come to my show. I’m worth it.”

Girl bye! Is her Kabaalah bracelet on too tight? Is the Botox skipping her forehead and going directly into her brain? She is straight trippin’, boo.

BTW, if you are a Madge fan with no pennies to scrape, the next stop on her publicity train will be the American Idol stage tonight. And it won’t cost you 300 bucks.

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Brew Commentary: Cougar Association of America Meeting “The Crash Of The Cougar”

Elphaba Of The Brew — Thu, 02 Feb 2012 16:24:47 +0000

*TAPS ON MICROPHONE, CLEARS THROAT*

I’d like to address the Cougars of the US of A. You guys are losing your shit. Back in the golden days of 2006, A “Cougar” was a strong woman of a certain age owning her sexual prowess and living without apologies by taking a young virile lovah. But you bishes have gone and caught feelings for your tender prey and now we have a sad state of affairs. You guys are losing all perspective of this ‘cougar’ thing and frankly making me freaked out for my impending Cougardom. It’s time to take stock and organize for the sanctity of future of Cougars. You bitches will NOT ruin this for me, You hear me!?

Cougar Empress Demi FRIGGEN Moore, has gone all Seasoned Kitty Down. She’s huffing Nitrous oxide (allegedly), wondering in the press, if she’s worthy of love. I mean I didn’t even know wtf a ‘whip-it’ was before Demi’s chopped and screwed highly edited, 911 call, why? Because, apparently that’s a kiddie drug. COME ON. Let’s have some dignity here. A grown woman HAS to imbibe in a more dignified form of intoxication. Something that can be smoked from a hand blown Murano glass pipe, if you insist.

Case of Cougar Down: Exhibit A

Clearly she’s been crying for help for a while now. If MILF Gone Wild, grinding on SNOOP of all people, wasn’t the first sign of some ‘issues’ I don’t know what was. C’mon Son! Snoop’s WIFE, doesn’t even grind on Snoop! Lady…ma’am, ASHTON FOCKING KUTCHER, cannot make you man down like this. First off, He is a SHIT ACTOR. He’s made a career of being a human sheep dog in a Trucker hat. His lame mediocre ass is exactly what is wrong with America. Yes. America! Like my sister Witch, said before: YOU ARE DEMI FOCKING MOORE! Grow a set, trick! #toughlove

Case of Cougar Down: Exhibit B

He's really protected from sun damage. At night. In a club.

Now, to address the negroidian side of town. The Urban Ambassador of all things Cougar, Auntie Viv’s, face is looking tighter than a drum yet melting at the same time. As we’ve covered here before, her surprising *eyeroll* demise of her relationship with her youngin’ fiance Slimmmmmmm, seems to have turned her once lovely face into a well…something else.

Is it worth it? Is it worth chopping and screwing your God given beauty to remain ‘young looking’ enough to bag the young and full of… erm, fun? You realize that no one believes that a natural skin texture is that of a smooth fruit rollup, right?

Is this behavior any better than the men we accuse of having a midlife crisis toting around bobble head girls half their age, driving penis mobiles? What are you showing your daughters about aging if you are pissy anytime someone notices that you are no-spring chicken and your young man looks like your trading sexual favors for kegs of beer? A hot lady of a certain age, does NOT need the rep of “Frat House Sex Mom” COME ON! ** By the way, not all of you older women are hot. So can you take your Cougaring ass to the gym (heart health and such) , and get some clothes that are APPROPRIATE not only for your age but for your size and shape? Yea. I said it.

This one has the BEST passport stamps!

I’m not saying that true love cannot win out despite age and at a certain age- I think it all evens out anyway. But if you are chopping and screwing yourself, and bending the hands of time, like Magneto can bend Golden Gate bridge, what are you saying about yourself? Do all of all of the years that have made YOU, and your hard earned accomplishments mean nothing? Why are you discounting the true natural beauty of the aging process?

It seems to me the only one doing this Cougar thing right is Jenny From the Gated Community. Her face still looks like HER FACE. She is wearing amazing age appropriate attire (no mom jeans/ no ”I see she waxes” super short skirts) And after years of being married to Latino Skeletor, she’s treating her vagicat to something young, festive and (as a dancer likely) ”bendy”. She’s dressing him up like a brand new doll, and I would not be surprised if she married him. You know Lady Sazon Loves a murriage. But one thing we know for sure…Jenny don’t love those hoes. Ask: Chris Judd, Ojani Noa and PDiddily Puff-Puff.

Dressed up this one, til on to the next one..

In conclusion: Get it together, Bishes.

The next Generation of Cougars need you not to mess this thing up, for us!

Don Cornelius: Dead At 75

Witch Hazel — Wed, 01 Feb 2012 15:52:55 +0000

I’m saddened by this morning’s news that Soul Train creator, Don Cornelius, was found dead at his California home today. Adding to the troubling news: police say it appears he took his own life, shooting himself in the head. Three years ago, Cornelius went through a bitter divorce, telling a judge he was suffering from “significant health issues” and wanted to “finalize this divorce” before he died. You may remember he was also arrested in 2008 for domestic violence. His probation for that case just ended. Sources close to him say his health was not the best in recent years. You really never know what’s ailing another man’s soul. He will certainly be remembered beyond his recent personal troubles.

Today marks the start of Black History Month and without a doubt, Cornelius is part of that history. He put many black musical acts in the living rooms of families across the country when “other,” more mainstream programs would not. Ask any major performer or group in the last 40 years and they’ll tell you how much Soul Train changed their lives. And what would weddings (cookouts, Tyler Perry movies) be without the famous Soul Train line?

Soul Train debuted in 1971 and ran until 2006.

Don Cornelius was 75. #RIP

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Brew Beauty: Viola Davis

Elphaba Of The Brew — Fri, 27 Jan 2012 21:19:11 +0000

Viola Davis is riding high this award season on the acclaim of her Golden Globe, Screen Actor’s Guild and Academy Award nominated performance in “The Help” and looking lovlier than ever. Frankly, she has been an under appreciated major talent and beauty, for years.

Hollywood is finally getting hip to what the-a-ter goers have known: Viola Davis is a force to be reckoned with. The South Carolina born/Rhode Island raised, Julliard graduate has received accolades for a while now. But those who may be unfamiliar, let’s roll that beautiful bean footage of accomplishments:

2001,Tony Award for Best Performance by a Featured Actress in a Play for her portrayal of Tonya in King Hedley II
2 Drama Desk Awards, for her work in King Hedley II and, in 2004, for her work in an off-Broadway production of Intimate Apparel by Lynn Nottage.
2008, Nominations for a Golden Globe and an Academy Award for Best Supporting Actress for “Doubt”.
2010, Davis won the Tony Award for Best Performance by a Leading Actress in a Play for her role as Rose Maxson in a revival of August Wilson’s Fences.

Though primarily lauded for her stage work, Davis has appeared in numerous films: Out of Sight, Solaris, Traffic, Syriana, Kate & Leopold, Antwone Fisher and Disturbia. Her television work includes a recurring role in Law & Order: Special Victims Unit and a starring role in the short-lived Traveler.

For those who are arguably justified feeling “some way” about another black woman being nominated for an Academy Award for portraying anything less than what African American women currently professionally bring to the table, along with all of the ”Mammy” historical connotations that comes along with the a role as a housekeeper, (** Personally, I don’t think most of these angry mobs read the book OR saw the movie- so I’m going to just say that the maids were not one dimensional or stereotypical –YET I absolutely get your point.)

Viola says of her role in “The Help”: The thing about the African-American community compared with the white community is, we are more concerned with image and message than execution. I don’t play roles that are necessarily attractive or portray a positive image. They are well-rounded characters. When you squelch excellence to put out a message it’s like passing the baton and seeing it drop.

Married to fellow actor Julian Tennon since 2003, in addition to his two children from a previous relationship, the couple adopted a baby girl, Genesis, last October. And on the shallower note… THOSE GUNS, THAT SKIN, GAWJUS!

Head to our Facebook page for our Brew Beauty gallery to see more pictures of Viola and our other Brew Beauties. If you have a suggestion for a future Beauty, drop us a line.

European Fashion Writers Continue To Struggle With Blackness

Witch Hazel — Thu, 26 Jan 2012 16:04:57 +0000

First, “slave jewelry” was hot in Italian Vogue. Then, Rihanna was dubbed de n*ggab*tch by a Dutch fashion magazine. Now, French Elle has attempted to deliver a compliment to the Obamas, while throwing shade at the sartorial selections of the entire black community. Yes, you. And you too. In an article called “Black Fashion Power,” Nathalie Dolivo suggests black people are dressing well and paying attention to fashion, thanks to the well-dressed Obamas.

Dolivo puts her pied in le mouth by saying:

In this America led for the first time a black president, the chic has become a plausible option for a community so far pegged to its codes [of] streetwear … But if in 2012 the “black-geoisie” has integrated all the white codes, it does not [do so] literally. [There] is always a classic twist, with a bourgeois ethnic reference (a batik-printed turban/robe, a shell necklace, a ‘créole de rappeur’) that recalls the roots.

Dolvio’s article makes it seem like black people have to take their style cues from whites when everybody knows (*Phaedra voice*) that fashion designers have long looked to the inner-city and black community for new trends.

The original article was posted on January 13th and got so much negative feedback that French Elle has since removed it and issued this apology.
Translated (via Google)

Following the outcry and the many comments received on the article Fashion Black Power, we decided to remove it from the site. If this article could offend or hurt people we are deeply sorry for it was not our intention, however. We deeply regret the misunderstanding. The debate has nevertheless been launched and it will allow us to enrich our journalism. See you soon on ELLE.fr and IT to continue this discussion.

Valerie Toranian, Managing Editor of ELLE

A fashion magazine in a country so rich with black people from various places completely missed the mark on the style of black folks. My people have been dressing well, setting trends and taking fashion seriously since before churches had pews!

Image via Nicholas Kamm/AFP/Getty Images
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Brew Dating Woes: The Man With Money…

Piper from the Brew — Thu, 26 Jan 2012 15:15:56 +0000

*Sigh* I have come to realize that really really really bad things happen with some men when they come into a lil wealth. I have known a certain man for many years, he’s always been fun, respectful and just overall a really swell dude. We didn’t end up a couple but that’s ok, you don’t always have to be in the love zone to enjoy having someone in your life. We have shared a ‘grown up’ activity here and there, some fun, some food (cause Pipes don’t play that) and some major laughs. So the other night I’m driving home from work and I get a texas message:

Dude X: Hey girl, what chu doing? meet me at so n so bar, let’s do some drinks

Pipes: cool! see you in a little while

So I gets there, all cute n sessified and smelling yummy like spanish whore like I do and he hugs me and greets me like a normal human being, orders me my fav drink (a french martini) and then things take a turn towards horror. He leans in and whispers “yeah finish that drink so I can fug the chit outta you” SIR EXCUSE ME???” oK now I guess I should note that I’m not a shy, clutch my pearls kinda chick, not even close, but even a loosey goosey chick like me has lines.

So ok, I usually allow everyone one infraction, he coulda been confused by my beauty or some shit right? Hey I can understand that….. well big mistake, he then leans in again and says “open your legs” (I had on a skirt) *another blank stare*. He had me straight trippin boo! and not in a Steve Martin/King Latifah kinda way, but more in a “is this ninja finna fingerpop me at the bar??….. while I’m acutally sitting at the bar?????” …… yeeeeaaaaa, I think that was def the plan.

But here’s the really disheartening thing, years ago when I first met him he was just the sweetest, most considerate, most kind man ever. Over the years he’s acquired some things, moved up in his career, makes goobs and gobs of money and loves to tell anyone who will listen that he’s rich. Money has ruined this once awesome guy, he is now 100% USDA Asshole, I doubt the old him will ever return. When he was making average money he was the best but now his climb up the tax bracket ladder has completely turned him into the most unsavory character.

So needless to say after I rejected his demand to be fingerpopped at the bar he proceeded to go on a tirade about how all the bishes in the bar wanna get at him and I’m crazy to not have my ass bent over giving him the public bitness blah blah blah. So I knew I had to leave…… but not before I fiinished my drink and ordered me some food to go, Piper’s mama is a fool but she ain’t raise one, sheeeiiitttt

Then I get a another texas message while I’m driving home:

Dude X: I’m sorry, I think I might have gone too far, I miss you….

HA!!! Son?! you think????

Cornball Corner: Paula Deen

Fleur Delacour — Wed, 25 Jan 2012 15:00:26 +0000

Paula Deen admitted last week that she has suffered from Type 2 Diabetes (or ‘Suga’ as my granny used to call it) for several years. So while that’s all very unfortunate (I had a flash back to the Soul Food big mama arm burn scene), I can’t help but thinking to myself that this hefty host is shady as slim. While she was peddling butter, fatback and hog maw, her glucose levels were doing her dirty and SHE KEPT QUIET! WHO DOES THAT? I know it’s up to us to be responsible for our bodies. No one can sue McDowell’s when they spent years shoving that chit down their pie holes but still this woman has a huge fan base so maybe she could have said something? Maybe tone down the donut and bacon sandwich rants? You know like actually look out for the fans who support her? Well apparently she did finally say something; ‘where them dollars at’? Paula is the new spokesperson for..what else..a diabetes drug! I’m calling brewshyt. Apparently her publicist is too because she just quit after six years. So Paula you are sitting in the Brew’s Cornball Corner. Marinate on that and get well!

Why do critics rip Michelle Obama because she preaches healthy eating and hail this lard lover?

And why is this sister acting all Annie The Chicken Lady? Stop it!

Brew Quotes: Terrell Owens On Child Support

Witch Hazel — Tue, 24 Jan 2012 22:51:57 +0000

Terrell Owens is not having the best ~~week~~ ~~life~~ time ever. The former NFL star laments his career and tells GQ about being depressed and low on cash in a new interview. You can click over there for all the football talk (yaada yaada yaada). But, on a personal note, Owens talks about his impregnation woes. You see, Terrell has four children, ages 5 to 12, by four women. And all of said women want their share of child support. LIKE. NOW. ANDALÈ. PRONTO. Terrell admits he’s “not a very good judge of character,” is too trusting and loyal to a fault. And, well, he’s paying for it… to the tune of $44,600 a month in child support, about which he says:

If there’s anything I’m sorry about, it’s getting involved with all that.

Ya think?

Terrell was never in full-fledged relationships with ANY of these women. One, he calls a one night stand. The rest were friends with benefits, or “repeat offenders” as he calls them. His relationship with the mother of the youngest child is so broken that he has never even met his son. Owens says he sees his other children as much as possible.

T.O. is now in court with all four women. Ya know, I can’t really find it within myself to have the sads for this guy. And I’m usually the nice, Emo Witch.

I’m no rocket scientist or anything Turrrrrrell, but it seems to me that you need a lifetime supply of these from here on out…

Image via GQ/Gif via Tumblr
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Vanessa Bryant Needs To Stay Away From VH1

Witch Hazel — Mon, 23 Jan 2012 15:18:17 +0000

Word on these here innawebs streets is the producers of VH1′s Basketball Wives are trying hard to snag the newest member of the NBA’s ex-wives club, Vanessa Bryant. Producers would never have approached ‘Nessa while she was married but now they are trying to woo Kobe’s ex with a lucrative deal that would make her a recurring “character” on the LA version of the show and would instantly make her a leading storyline. Jackie Christie would lose her shizz over that.

Dear Vanessa,

While it would probably make my soul happy to watch you square up with those Govan sisters and Jackie Christie’s crazy arse, please just take your money, your three houses and your daughters and keep your mouth shut. Basketball Wives is for the women we have to Google to know who their “husbands” are and what teams they played for. You, my dear, were married to Kobe effin’ Bryant. I like not really knowing what your voice sounds like and what your world views are. Please don’t join the troupe of the annoyingly big-earring’d women on this show. You don’t need the money or the exposure. Find a couch in one of theaters in one of your houses and just chill, let the other lames make fools of themselves.

(But if you did want to pop your head in a couple of episodes, I would totally watch).

Love,
A Witch

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BET’s “The Game”: Is Dr. Melanie Barnett-Davis the Dumbest TV Doctor Ever?

Piper from the Brew — Fri, 20 Jan 2012 17:08:32 +0000

So, I watch ‘The Game’, it’s definitely one of my Tuesday night guilty pleasures. The new season is well under way and they wasted no time with the drama. Not sure why it finally hit me, but while watching last week’s episode I realized that Melanie (Derwin’s boo/manager/wife), who went to med school and is supposedly a real, ‘not pretend’ doctor is now Derwin’s wife-ager/stay-at-homeager. ¿Por qué? Perhaps I missed the part in the storyline that explained the direction they’re going here but I’m quite disappointed. So many youngins watch this show, in paticular young, black women and very few of us are doctors. I would love to know why this black, female tv doctor has now been relegated to being her husband’s ball boy…….. A DOCTOR!!!

Melanie being in med school despite having a NFL boo was my most fav thing about her character, I guess because it went against the stereotype we are all familiar with, ya know the video hooch meets lotto ticket, I mean baller. I thought “wow, cool! they have this pretty, smart woman carving out her own path in spite of her man being able to take care of her, good chit!” But now Dr. Wifeager instead of yelling STAT! and CODE BLUE!! in the OR is busy dooking it out with Tasha Mack in meetings on behalf of Derwim Enterprises???? Word?

*Sigh* I know it’s only tv, but the message it sends is the message it sends. It says “hey, get an education, study hard, become a doctor, then give it all up and be the gal that rings the sweat outta your hubby’s jock strap”. Yikes! As if there aren’t enough super bad examples for our gals out there…

Well, why be surprised right? after all we are talking about BET . Would make too much sense if they were concerned about such trivial matters as it pertains to our girls wanting to be something other than a girlfriend or wife. Or perhaps they got it right and I have it wrong, maybe you do go to school for years and then give it all up to stand by your man…. *shrug*

Vanessa Bryant Wins The Game, Playoff, Championship & Gets Her Jersey Retired

Witch Hazel — Fri, 20 Jan 2012 14:26:53 +0000

Vanessa Bryant is #winning! Kobe Bryant’s ex reportedly snagged all three of the couple’s mansions in their divorce settlement. She gets their house, the house Kobe bought for her mother AND the recently built house in which the Bryant’s were due to move. That house had been under construction for two years.

There was no prenup, so Vanessa is getting about $75 million: half of their assets which had been estimated at about $150 million.

Seems cheaper to just stay faithful, huh?

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You Know You’re Trifling When….

Piper from the Brew — Thu, 19 Jan 2012 22:03:54 +0000

… the young lad you’ve been dating *clears throat* humping, says to you “so you gonna be there for me when I go on line right?” It takes you some good, long minutes to realize he’s not talking about a line at Walmart, this bamma means fraternity “big bruva Almighty” on line, like at a college n stuff…..

EXCUSE ME SIR??!!! I AM A SEASONSED WOMAN! WHAT IS THIS NONSENSE YOU’RE ASKING ME???

But then I realized it’s not his fault, it’s me, I’m a trifling mess and I need my ass beat…

A Random Moment with Witches Piper & Elphaba

Elphaba Of The Brew — Thu, 19 Jan 2012 21:01:17 +0000

When the Witches aren’t busy uploading crazy pics, or scouring the net for interesting talking points for our Facebook page… (Go on and Like us. Ya know ya wanna) or ranting about stuff on this here blog, we’re side-barring each other about any and everything. We thought we’d start to share some of our deep and not so deep thoughts, from time to time.

Elphaba: Ha! I just told my co-worker that her ashy elbows looked like she was wearing a brown blazer with silver elbow patches. Why have I not been slapped yet??

Piper: Oh, it’s coming Muffin Pie, it’s coming.

Elphaba: I dunno. I say it with such a big smile then walk away. Hopefully I won’t get snuck.

Piper: Oh no, you WILL. Just hope its in the gut area, not your face.

Elphaba: If it’s in the gut area- that’s my squishy bits and that would be best. Their hand would get stuck for like 5 minutes and I can absorb the blow… like memory foam.

Jay-Z Will Keep Calling Out B*tches, Thank You Very Much

Witch Hazel — Wed, 18 Jan 2012 23:00:06 +0000

For about a week, a story has been making waves across these innawebs that Jay-Z would give up using the b-word in his lyrics, thanks to his newfound affection for his daughter, Blue Ivy. The story went so far as to even quote from a poem Jay allegedly wrote.

“Before I got in the game, made a change and got rich / I didn’t think hard about using the word bitch / I rapped, I flipped it, I sold it, I lived it / Now with my daughter in this world I curse those that give it“

I read it, laughed and clicked NEXT. I doubted the validity of the “poem” and the story. The man has a grandma, mother, sisters and a wife, why would he just now suddenly find some new value in women because he has a kid? And, he’s gone on record about words just being, well, words… that people give them power so there’s no point in “banning” them because folks will just find a new word in which to channel their disrespect. But, I digress. That’s another argument in itself. Anyway, the New York Daily News went straight to the source and asked if there’s any truth to the story. He told them, directly, “That poem and story are fake.” So, bishes can rest easy now. You’ll still have a place in Hov’s lexicon.

By the way, there’s another story trolling around the web that claims to be Beyonce’s first post-childbirth interview. That one is fake too. C’mon people.

Brew Quotes: LL Cool J On Today’s Music

Witch Hazel — Wed, 18 Jan 2012 17:12:48 +0000

I was listening to the radio on my drive home last night and it hit me, I’ve become my Mother. I find myself shutting off the loud, beat-thumping, arse-dropping instructing music that now passes as “hip hop,” in favor of the melodic tunes of my youth. Give me Shalamar over a Waka FlockaDeeDoodle any day. Apparently, I’m not alone in my disdain for today’s mainstream musical offerings. LL Cool J is no lover of the tunes that traditional radio is force-feeding us.

He tells Forbes:

“The biggest problem that we’re having right now… is radio. I think that radio has gotten to the point where you hear the same thing over and over again, so much, because you have a group of people controlling the airplay -no disrespect- they’re doing their jobs, but you have a certain group of people that are controlling the airplay to the point where it makes you wanna throw up. It’s crazy.”

On another note, Cool James will host the Grammy Awards next month. LL has hosted the Grammy nominations concert since 2008, but he’ll be the first host the actual awards show has had in 7 years.

The Grammy Awards air February 12th on CBS at 8 pm (ET).

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Brew Fairy Godmother: The “e” Makes it Different, Reparations and Other Thoughts

Elphaba Of The Brew — Wed, 18 Jan 2012 14:00:42 +0000

The Brew’s Fairy Godmother, guest blogs to offer her thoughts on parenting in a crazy crazy world. A world where pre-teen girls get back to school weaves…a world where a a young man’s jeggings are so tight you can see his future babies. A world that confuses this Witch!

Welcome The Brew Fairy Godmother!

One of the most anticipated events of the season has finally taken place – the birth of JayZ and Beyonce’s baby. Now when I say anticipated, trust and believe there are air quotes around it and Fairy Godmother’s tongue is firmly planted in cheek. Let’s be clear, I’m not hating on Jay or Bey or even little baby Blue Ivy . . . which by the way . . . question . . . What kind of wife co-signs giving their child the same name as their husband’s ex??? I mean, how the hell did that conversation go???

Jay: “No baby, this is different because we’ll put an “e” at the end of hers. The “e” makes it different!”
Bey: “Duh . . . ummm . . . ooooookaaaaaaaay . . . “

I digress. I’m not hating on those people, okay? “Congrats! Mazel tov! Don’t stop, git it, git it!” But why is this baby’s arrival such a big deal? Is it because Jay and Bey are celebrities? Is it because they are “black luuuuuuvvvvveee” celebrities? Is it because they are married, “black luuuuuuvvvveee” celebrities? What’s the dilly, yo? Whatever the reason for the average Joe, I guess I get it. We’re a celebrity obsessed-society that is made to feel like we actually know stars personally. I don’t agree with it, but I get it. What I don’t get is how a medical institution like a hospital acts like the VIP section of da club and gets as star struck “like a little gurl” (in my Dieter voice) when dealing with said married, celebrity, “black luuuuuuvvvveee” couple at the expense of the rest of its “the 99%” patients.

Lenox Hill Hospital has been accused of keeping new parents from their newborns, breaching security by taping paper over security cameras to protect the privacy of the Carters and their guests, and giving star treatment to them while treating other families like commoners. The whole thing has me feeling some kind of way as the kids say. Having a baby is a big deal for any parent – whether it’s your first or sixth birth (which btw if you’re having your sixth kid you may want to take up a hobby . . . that doesn’t involve the possibility of getting pregnant), whether it’s a complicated and dangerous delivery or a smooth, sliding into to home base one, vaginal or c-section birth, pre-mature or a week late . . . you get the picture. You might not be making records, 1/8th owner of a basketball team, making videos and touring the world in onesies, or friends with Chris, Gwyneth, Apple, and Moses, but you still want to be treated like you matter when you’ve laid down and brought a kid into the world. And while the Carters did pay for Beyonce’s birthing suite does it mean the other people who also paid to have their children at Lenox Hill shouldn’t have equal access to and security for their newborns?

I remember having to leave my first born in the hospital after I was released because he was born with a cystic kidney. He had also developed a slight case of jaundice, so he had to stay for a few days. It was heart breaking!! Nobody ever prepares you for the possibility that you may not take your child home. Then coming to visit him after carrying him for so long??? Painful! If there had been some burly, private security dude was not letting me see my kid for three hours while I’m seeing Blue Ivy peeps coming back and forth to see her, or if I was told the floor was on lockdown and I if I left I wouldn’t be allowed back in to see my child or if I been told there was shut down because “they’re handling hazardous materials??” When I’m trying to see my kid??? After I’ve had a kid??? Maaaaannnn, look . . .

The New York State Health Department is reportedly investigating to see if there were indeed any violations. If the stories are true, Lenox Hill should offer something to every kid born that weekend and their families – a goodie bag, 10% off the hospital bill . . . something. The Carters too should do something to make the situation better. Now that they too are parents they should be able to put themselves in the place of these other parents and offer the same thing Lenox Hill should extend to the parents – an apology. Or Bey could at least give up one of the thousands of onesies she likes to wear to someone who could really use it – a baby.

- Fairy Godmother, Out.

I would SO drop my lawsuit for this onesie (well after the Creole sweat has been soaked out) -Elphaba

Brewchies With Talent: Deyane Moses, Photographer

Elphaba Of The Brew — Mon, 16 Jan 2012 15:45:36 +0000

Deyane (pronounced Dee-yawn) Moses is a 25 year old Laurel, Maryland based photographer and proprietor of of MoePho | Deyane Moses Photography. She is a talent with a wicked sense of humor and a story that will inspire you to live life to the fullest and follow your dreams.You may view her eclectic work at her lovely website or check out her Facebook page.

Are you formally trained? I aint got no formal training! LOL I’ve been teaching myself for two years. I read lots of books, watch hundreds of YouTube videos, ask other photographers, and use trial and error.

What inspires you? I’ve always wanted a time machine. But that hasn’t been invented yet and when it is I won’t be able to afford it … sooooo why not freeze time. I can make that moment … second last forever. It’s a memory that will never go away. But the twist about photography, that most people don’t think about it is it’s MY MEMORY Witches!! The way I want YOU see it!

How many years have you worked on your art? I taught myself and practiced for two years. My cousin (who was very very patient) was my guinea pig for most of my “schooling”. A few months later, I started meeting more people and taking pictures of them. Through word of mouth it just took off from there. I started MoePho in June 2011 and now I have a handful of clients around the the DC Metro area.

Who or what are your influences? At first, I was influenced by fashion, the pretty pictures I saw online; photojournalism. But in October, I was hospitalized for three days and diagnosis with MS (multiple sclerosis). I thought I was going to die. No one could tell me any different. I had heard all the horror stories and seen all the pictures of people in wheelchairs. But with help of God, my family, some friends, co-workers, and tons of research I picked myself up through the darkest time in my life. I made myself two promises: 1. I’d take care of myself and never end up in a wheelchair and 2. I will enjoy everyday I’m here on earth. Sound cheesy but its true. So in short, life inspires me. The people, places, and everything around me. I’m going to keep freezing time one day at a time; because you never know when your life could change forever.

What would you do, if you couldn’t create? If I couldn’t take pictures, I would love to be a curator of photography. I’d get to see the world through someone else’s eyes.

Describe your creative process: It’s quite simple really. I think of a theme or whatever my client is trying to convey. I scout out locations by looking online, asking friends, or driving around the area. When I meet up with my client, I try to make them feel as comfortable as possible. You know, smoke a blunt or two. JUST KIDDING!! Then we just hang out while I “snap” “snap” “snap” away. i of course give a few tips and hints. But it’s really just a great time hanging out between friends. Here is a list of my equipment: Nikon D40x, Nikon SB-700 speedlight, and Adobe Photoshop. Nothing fancy … just skill.

What do you want to get out of your art, what do you want to give to others through it? I get life long memories from my art. It sounds crazy; but I remember every picture and person I shoot. I’ll never forget it and neither will they. To this day, not everyone in my life knows I’m living with MS. I don’t hide it … I just don’t share it freely. But now its out there. I don’t use my disease as an excuse for anything. I use it as a reminder that life can change in the blink of an eye; so cherish every moment. And if you forget, don’t worry … I’ll freeze time so you can see it through my eyes.

White Meat Heat (?): Jeremy Renner

Elphaba Of The Brew — Sun, 15 Jan 2012 22:39:45 +0000

I love films. Indies, foreign, shorts, animated- I don’t care. But sometimes a Witch just wants to see a ‘movie’. Something that goes boom, bang, bash. Some predictable vehicle with pretty people, thin plots and loud explosions. Hello Mission Impossible ~~500.3.B~~ 4. I wont even pretend that this is a film review.

Fine. Brief recap, if you insist: Opening of Unknown Spyish Pretties setting implausible plot line up. Flash to shadowy figure that you know isTom Cruise, but they make you earn the Cruise Money Shot. Fight fight fight…techystuff techy stuff. Boom Boom Hijinx, fisticuffs, faux sexual tension between Tom, (b/c his name goes above the title) and Paula Patton, b/c she’s the only lady there. Chase on foot, car chase, amazing aerial shots with implausible prop gags, beautiful location shots, shady deals with men with accents, shoot shoot shoot, explode, bada bing bada boom. WTF is the deal with Ving Rhames’ eyebrows? Seriously, did someone give him a bad wax on the set of Holiday Heart and they never grew back? Yipes! Set up for number 5. You all caught up now?

Anyway what was my point? At some point in his career Jeremy Renner got kinda good-looking. I don’t know how it happened. He’s always looked like the cousin of Frodo Baggins to me. As much as I loved his bomb diffusing self in “Hurt Locker”, it was from a thespian standpoint, not shallow- per my usual. But put that ninja in a suit, show him some kickboxing moves and my lions did a lil’ ”hey now!” Maybe it’s the “Big Budget Movie” effect? I’m a little conflicted by this. So, I guess I will call this a Situational White Meat Heat and move on with life. Namaste!

Jeremy is currently in Manila filming the next installment of the Bourne series “Bourne Legacy”, again not sure how I feel about that. #TeamDamon!

Brew Tube: Madonna Tosses A Heap Of Shade At Lady Gaga

Witch Hazel — Sat, 14 Jan 2012 01:02:03 +0000

Madonna sat down for an extended interview with ABC’s Nightline Thursday to talk about her new movie, upcoming Super Bowl performance and her new/younger lover. Her responses were typical and you can watch the full sit-down here, if you care. But, it was a fan-submitted question that got the BEST answer from the Queen of Reinvention.

When asked what she thinks of Lady Gaga and —specifically her song “Born This Way” which sounds a lot like Madge’s “Express Yourself”— Madonna shaded the hell out of Stephanie Germanotta. Watch…

“There’s a lot of ways to look at it. I can’t really be annoyed by it …because, obviously, I’ve influenced her. When I heard it ["Born This Way"] on the radio… I said that sounds very familiar… It felt reductive,” she says. Asked by the host if that’s a good or bad thing, Madonna quickly says “look it up” — then sipped her tea!

iLIVVVVVVVE!!!!

GIF via Tumblr
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Brew Music: Amber Rose feat. Wiz Khalifa, “Fame”

Witch Hazel — Tue, 10 Jan 2012 17:46:58 +0000

Yeezy taught her well. So well. Amber Rose’s first single, “Fame,” dropped today. It features her boo, Wiz Khalifa, and focuses on her struggles with fame. Oh, it must be so, so hard out here for a baldy. o_O

Anyway, take a listen and if you dig it (or hate it), drop a comment in the box.

You likey?